Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #2

Anyway the pope...the pope

doesn't talk like that.

He's not even italian

anymore, the pope.

He's german.

Yeah!

So he doesn't...

he wouldn't talk like that.

He would...he would be

more kind of,

"As you are no doubt aware,

I am the pope."

"Observe my slippers."

"My name is pepo."

"I realize this is an unusual

name for a german,

"But...

"My family was in the circus.

So shut up, all right?"

All right.

You're right.

I won't do the pope.

That's ridiculous.

What i'm saying is,

i'm not allowed to cuss.

I can't cuss, you know,

on tv,

And i'm not allowed to cuss

at home, either.

I can't cuss at home.

'Cause i've got

a 91/2-Year-Old son.

And for some reason

not connected to his dna,

He seems to be an attack dog

for the f***in' fcc!

He does! He follows me around

with that little jar of his.

"You said the f-Word, daddy.

Nickel in the jar."

I'm like, "f*** you!"

He's like, "nickel in the jar."

"F*** you!"

"Nickel in the jar."

Like, "who in the f***

are you?"

"Nickel in the jar, daddy!"

I just pay him in advance now.

I'm like,

"son, there's 20 bucks.

I gotta call your mother."

Do you know what my son

said to me?

He said, you know, he asked me

what the f-Word means.

I said,

"it's a naughty word, son."

He's like, "no sh*t, dad,

i'm gettin' rich."

There's a nickel.

I can afford it.

No, he said to me,

"what does the f-Word mean?"

I said, "it's a very

naughty word, son.

"It's very, very naughty.

It's a...it's a naughty word

for sex."

He's like,

"you know about sex, dad?"

I was like, "yeah,

i remember it vaguely.

Why do you ask?"

I said, "do you

know about sex?"

He said, "yeah."

I said, "ooh, wait there.

"This will be adorable.

I'll get the video camera.

I'll ask him about sex.

This'll be great."

'Cause he's 91/2.

What's he gonna say about sex?

"Santa, angels, moonbeams."

It'll be adorable.

He'll be like that bill cosby,

Kids are funny little

motherfuckers.

That thing.

They...

I'm paraphrasing,

but that's what he means.

Anyway, so, you know,

i thought,

"I'll film him, you know.

"He'll tell me about sex.

"Then i'll wait till

he's about 14,

"And then i'll say,

'hey, remember that money

"'In the swear jar?

"'I'll take it back now,

or this sh*t goes on youtube,

You little bastard.'"

You're welcome, parents.

So i set him up, and i said,

"do you know about sex, son?"

He said, "i know

all about sex, dad."

I went, "all right,

what do you know about sex?"

He said,

"i know all about sex.

"Penis, vagina, glory hole,

dirty sanchez,

Rusty trombone,

cleveland steamer."

I'm like, "what the f***?

What the f***?

What the f***?"

"What the f***?

"Cleveland steamer.

What is that?

Well, never mind!

Never mind!"

I never taught

my son about sex.

I never, i didn't!

I will never teach

my son about sex!

Just like my father

never taught me!

And his father

never taught him, and...

Actually, it's a f***in' miracle

scottish people

Didn't die out

in the middle ages.

Scottish people don't talk

about sex!

We can't; it's too

embarrassing for us.

We can't talk about it.

If a...

If a scottish person wants

to talk about sex,

We just kind of giggle

and walk backwards

And point at our genitals.

It's true.

If you go to scotland

and you see someone

That looks like

they might be special

And they have to go

to the bathroom,

They don't...

they just find you attractive.

Nobody talks about sex

in scotland.

Scottish gynecologists

Don't even talk about sex.

It's just like,

"Uh, get up on the table

there, mrs. Henderson.

Lift up your skirt."

"We'll take a look

at your magic baby door."

Ah, nobody talks...

so i said to my son,

I said, "who...

who taught you about sex, son?

"This is awful.

W-Was it the creepy guy

in the school parking lot?"

I said...'cause my son

goes to the same school

As charlie sheen's kids.

So i thought it might

be that, you know.

Whoa! Hey, whoa!

Whoa!

Hey, what...

you "ooh" me for charlie sheen,

And you're okay

with the pope thing?

What the hell

happened to you?

"Aw, craig, come on.

"Charlie sheen!

"What did he ever do,

"Apart from hold a knife

to his wife's throat

On christmas eve?"

"Put the hooker

in the closet!"

Aw, poor charlie.

You're right.

I shouldn't go

after charlie.

He had to go to jail

on christmas eve.

Yeah, in f***in' aspen!

The jail in aspen

has been on the cover

Of architectural digest!

So i said to my son,

"who taught you about sex, son?"

He said, "the teachers."

I said, "the teachers

at school?"

He went, "yeah."

I went, "fourth grade?"

He's like, "yeah."

I'm like,

"what the f***?"

"See, that's a nickel."

I went, "f*** you!"

But i...i don't...

there was no se...

I never got taught about sex

when i was in the fourth grade.

I never actually had

the fourth grade.

I was in scotland.

I was working up a chimney.

Because there was

no sex education in scotland.

And...well,

that's not true, actually.

When i was about 15 years old,

in science class one day,

I remember the...

I was sitting around with

the rest of the guys in stag...

Um...

And we were waiting for

the science teacher

To come in one morning.

His name was mr. Weir.

Nasty, bitter old

vicious alcoholic.

Don't know what the f***

was going on

With the scottish education

board in the 1970s.

It was like,

"do you like whiskey?

Do you hate kids?

The job's yours."

Anyway, we...

We were sitting

in science class,

And we were waiting for

mr. Weir to come in,

And, you know,

and then he came in,

And we knew there was something

wrong when he came in,

'Cause he was like...

And he was...

this is true.

He was carrying

a little aquarium with him.

A little fish tank.

But there were

no fish in it.

It was just...no water.

It was just a rock

With two toads on it.

And he said,

"Pay attention, everyone."

"This is mr. And mrs. Toad.

"They're married.

"They were married

in a church.

"By a protestant minister.

"And now, they...

eeh eeh.

"Now they want

to have a baby.

See how mr. Toad

is pushing his shame branch..."

"See how he's pushing

his shame branch

"Against mrs. Toad's

magic baby door?

Do you see that?"

That was my sex education

in school, and that was it.

Watchin' two toads

f***in' in a fish tank!

That's it!

The miracle of new life.

"Ehh."

That was all i ever knew!

For years,

i thought the only way

To get a girl

to go out with you

Was run up behind her,

grab her hair,

Spit in it,

and shout, "ribbit!"

It's stran...if i saw

a woman i was attracted to

Across a crowded room,

i'd be like...

Pff!

You know the weirdest thing,

it f***in' works!

It does!

You gotta go, pff!

They're like, "get lost,

you freak."

"Pff! Pff!"

"I like him."

That was it; that was my sex

education, the two toads.

So consequently, i'm very

old-Fashioned about sex.

I'm not like

the youngsters today

With their new ideas

about sex.

You know, photographing

your genitals

And texting them to each other

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