Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #3

and all that sh*t.

What the hell is wrong

with you people?

"Ah, this'll be sexy.

Ca-Ching!"

No, i'm very old-Fashioned

about sex.

I'm a romantic...i don't need

all that emailing

And phones

and cameras and sh*t.

I'm a romantic.

I'm an old-Fashioned about sex.

I couple of hookers,

some blow, a midget.

I'm good, i don't...

That's how we used to do it!

That's how

we used to do it.

That's the old-Fashioned way.

When things were simpler.

I don't...i would never send

any of them sexy emails.

That's how you get caught.

I've never sent one.

I don't mind getting them

at craig@theinternet/google.Com.

But i...

Seriously.

I'd never send a sexy email.

That's how tiger woods

got caught.

He was sending all them

sexy emails from his phone,

And then his wife was

in the kitchen one day,

And she's like, "oh, i can't

find the kitchen phone.

"I'll just use tiger's phone.

Might as well...

" Aaah!

"Tiger! I'm gonna need

the nine-Iron for this.

Come here, you bastard!"

See, even tiger woods got caught

in that big sex scandal.

I was like you ladies.

I was outraged.

Outraged.

It's kind of good

if you're a guy, though.

'Cause it just

makes you look great.

"Ah, i'm sorry i forgot

to take out the garbage, honey.

"I was too busy

not having sex

"With 14 mistresses.

Uh...sorry."

See, when tiger woods

got caught in the sex scandal,

And everybody said,

"oh, tiger woods.

"His career is ruined.

"He's ruined!

He'll never play golf again!

"He will never play golf again!

He'll be hopeless now."

And i'm thinking,

"are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you thinking this through?"

I think, once this

blows over a bit,

He's gonna be better at golf.

Better!

Because, clearly,

he never practiced before.

He wasn't practicin'!

He's just f***in' and winnin'!

F***in' and winnin'!

F***in' and winnin'!

"Hey, tiger, tiger.

You want to go

to the driving range?"

"Sorry, no time.

Just f***ing and winning!"

And then when he did

come back to golf,

And everybody's...like,

The whole country

watched his return to golf.

Tiger's return

after the scandal.

Everybody's watching.

And i'm thinking, "what the hell

do you expect to see here?"

It's professional golf.

He's just gonna golf.

What do you think?

He's gonna go nuts

and f*** the hole or something?

Like, "i've got

to make this putt.

I've got to get back in the...

ah, f*** it. Aah!"

The whole country.

We're all watching it.

Everyone watching his pants

as he walked up the fairway.

It moved. It moved.

Did you see it? It moved.

Seeing a big celebrity

gets caught in a sex scandal

Like that though, and i hear

about it in the morning,

I'm like, "oh, f*** yeah.

Easy day at work."

It's awesome.

Oh, yes.

It was, like,

the best one ever

Was when dick cheney

shot his lawyer in the face.

I was like, "oh, f*** yeah.

Oh, fantastic.

He shot his lawyer in the face?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, beautiful."

"Did the lawyer die?"

"No, the lawyer lived!"

'Cause if the lawyer dies,

you have to wait a day.

Hey, hey, for a human,

it's three days.

Wait, wait. Wait.

Let's just stop for a second

And discuss what kind of f***in'

reaction that was there.

"Oh, craig,

that's a terrible thing.

"Actually,

now that we think about it,

Now we agree with you.

Yeah."

Even lawyers are like,

"he's right. We're a**holes."

I met dick cheney

when i was at the white house.

I was speaking at the white

house correspondence dinner,

And i met dick cheney there.

I was terrified.

He's like

a f***in' bond villain.

He is!

He's like...

He does this with his hand.

There's nothing there.

He just does it.

He's stroking

an imaginary p*ssy.

If that's a crime,

lock me up.

But...

I was actually terrified

when i met him,

'Cause i said some mean things

about him in the speech,

And then after i was like,

"oh, is that okay?"

He went, "oh, no, i loved it.

"I can take it.

I enjoyed myself.

"I...i enjoyed it very much.

Now you,

you enjoy your audit."

And you know what?

I got f***in' audited.

I know.

Yeah, anyway,

that's my job now, apparently,

Pick on celebrities that get

caught with their pants down.

I never used

to give a sh*t about it,

But now i have to pay

attention to it, apparently.

The first time it happened...

When i got

the late night show,

The first one

i ever had to deal with

Was the kevin costner

sex scandal.

Remember that?

Yeah, nobody f***in'

remembers that.

Which tells me two things...

One, kevin costner

has a great publicist,

And two, none of you f***ers

Was watching my show

in the first year.

It's all right.

"That's right.

I don't even f***in'

watch it now."

Well, very briefly,

The first...the kevin costner

sex scandal,

Actually,

it was golf related, again.

He was in scotland,

of all places.

Kevin costner went to scotland

to play golf at st. Andrews,

The royal and ancient

home of golf.

And apparently,

after his golf game,

Or allegedly,

for legal reasons,

He was getting a massage,

And he asked the masseuse

for a happy ending.

What we would now call

an al gore.

All right, all right.

Okay.

Anyway, by the way,

when he did this,

You know, uh, he wasn't just

on any vacation in scotland.

He was on his honeymoon.

Oh, mm, yes.

Feel a little more comfortable

judging him now, don't you?

"Oh, thanks, craig, yes.

Now we can enjoy it

just a little more."

No, apparently...

i don't know if it's true,

But apparently

that's what he did.

He asked the masseuse

for a happy ending.

And i'm thinking,

"kevin, who the hell

"Goes to the royal and ancient

home of golf and thinks,

'I wonder if i can get my three-

Wood polished while i'm here'?"

And i'm thinking

the masseuse is scottish.

Are you out of your mind?

If i could get a scottish woman

to give me a hand job,

I would never

have f***in' emigrated.

What the hell?

You're a bad girl,

aren't ya?

Anyway,

so apparently he did this.

I don't know

if he did it or not.

But i heard about it,

And, you know, i thought,

"Well, it's my job now

to make fun of this.

This is my job, i guess."

And so that night

i talked about it on the show.

I, uh, i didn't do much.

I punned on his movie titles

a little bit.

I think i said

lap dances with wolves,

And...

Field of creams,

i think i did.

People will come, ray.

No, i...

I didn't do that.

I didn't do that!

I didn't. I didn't.

I f***in'

should have done that,

But i didn't do that.

Anyway, that's what i did

that night on the show.

And then the next night

you move on to the next thing.

I'd forgotten all about it.

You move on. You get the robot

or the puppets,

Or whatever the hell

you're doing, and...

Before...you know,

a couple of weeks after that,

I get invited

to a big hollywood party.

Now, i don't normally go

to big hollywood parties,

'Cause i'm not normally invited

to big hollywood parties,

But i got invited,

so i went.

And i got introduced

to kevin costner.

And i'd forgotten

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