Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #4

all about this thing,

But he had f***in' not.

I don't know

if you know this,

But kevin costner has a tv.

And occasionally

he can't sleep.

Oh, f***, it was awful.

He got right in my face

about it.

He was like...

And i was like...

And he was like...

And i was like...

And he was like...

Anyway, i talked to him

for a while,

And he's not a bad guy,

kevin costner,

As it turned out.

I felt terrible.

I just felt awful.

I thought, "oh, i'm a dick.

"I'm a f***in' dick.

And now kevin costner hates me.

Bah."

So, no, i...i...really,

i felt awful about it,

And i thought,

you know, from now on,

I'm gonna try

and not offend celebrities

If i can avoid it,

but you can't f***in' avoid it.

You can't.

I mean,

you can upset them...

Some of them

have very fragile egos.

I know.

It was news to me.

In fact,

that's the noise i made.

No, you can upset people

Without even knowing

you're doing it.

I got into terrible trouble

with the actress kate winslet,

And i didn't even know until we

tried to book her on the show.

And the bookers

called up her agent,

And her agent said, "kate will

never be on that show.

Not after what craig

said about her."

I was like, "i never said

anything about her.

I never said a...

oh, yeah, i did, yeah..."

Well, i wasn't really

talking about her.

I was talking about the movie

titanic, which she was in.

And i love that movie.

I love the movie titanic.

It's a great movie.

I particularly enjoy the work

of leonardo dicaprio.

I think he's a great actor.

Fat, thin, beard, no beard,

happy, sad.

He can do f***in' everything.

And...

I have only one problem.

At the end of that movie

when they're, you know...

They're in the water,

the ship sunk,

And she's on the door

and he's in the water,

And he's like,

"i'm dying."

He's really good,

isn't he?

I mean,

that's how good he is.

He's like, "i'm...i'm dying.

It's so...so cold.

I'm dying."

And she's like,

"yes, you are dying.

It's terribly sad.

Bye."

I'm thinking,

you know what?

There's room on that door

for two people, right there.

I mean,

this isn't some hardwood

Piece of sh*t

we're talking about.

This is a giant door

Built in the shipyards

of belfast by union members.

This is a big...this has been

curled and worked at.

There's brass fittings on...

This motherf***er

is mahogany.

This is a big, big door.

Cuban families come to america

on doors like this.

By the way,

a word of advice,

Never say that in miami.

Anyway, i had a problem

with the logic at the end,

'Cause i thought the two of them

would get on the door,

So i...you know,

i was talking about it,

And i'm a passionate person.

I was getting involved

and talking about it,

And in the heat

of the moment i said,

"Oh, come on, kate.

Move over, you fat b*tch."

Now i don't mean...

Hey, let me finish.

Let me finish.

I don't mean she's fat.

She's not fat.

She's not fat.

And even if she was fat,

I wouldn't comment

on a woman's weight.

What am i?

I'm f***in' suicidal?

I'm not an idiot.

I don't comment

on a woman's weight.

I'm post feminism.

I understand.

I'm a reconstructed man.

I'm like,

"keep your f***in' mouth shut."

I understand it.

I would never comment

on a woman's weight.

I don't do it.

I don't think

it's right to do it.

And i felt ter...

and i struggle with it too.

I...i feel your pain, sisters.

So i...honestly,

i felt terrible,

So i called up

the agent myself.

I went, "you know what?

God, i feel awful about this.

"This is a terrible thing.

"Look, let's get kate

on the show,

"And we'll do a show

about this,

"'Cause this is bullshit.

"I don't want to be that guy.

"I don't want to be that guy.

I'm not that guy.

"We'll get her on the show,

we'll talk about it.

"I'll say i'm a sorry.

I'm a dick. I'm a douchebag.

She's gorgeous.

We'll do all that."

And the agent said,

"i'll just have to call someone,

And i'll call you back."

And i went, "oh, right."

And she called me back

five minutes later

And said, "kate will never

be on your show."

And i said, "fine.

Tell her she's a fat b*tch."

But...

But she's not.

She's not a fat b*tch.

I...

i don't know the woman at all.

I never met her in my life.

I'm sure she's a lovely woman

in every way.

Well, not every way.

She's an actress.

She's probably

a f***in' sociopath.

But...

But she's not a fat sociopath.

And you know what?

Even if she was fat,

even if she was,

I wouldn't care,

'cause i like that.

Huh.

Yeah, that's right.

I said it. I like it.

I like a woman

with a bit of unh!

I do.

I like a bit of "ooh, yeah."

I like a bit of

"let's get you up the stairs."

I like all of that.

I do. I like...

I like to slap

and then watch the wave.

I like all of that.

There's a name for men like me

That like women like that.

We're called heterosexuals.

That's right.

That's right.

Ladies, if your man likes you

to be too skinny,

Very, very skinny,

he's not your husband.

He's your gay friend.

"Someone's looking

a little bit fat."

"Really? Someone's looking

a little bit gay."

You're welcome, girls.

Use it anytime.

Anytime you like.

For free and for fun.

My gift to you.

Anytime you like.

Use it.

Enjoy your fries.

Anyway,

what i'm saying is,

I have to deal

with the celebrities

And then f***in'

teach them a lesson

When they get into trouble.

And my heart's not in it.

The worst one

was when i had to do

The david letterman

sex scandal.

I was like, "oh, f***.

Really? Thanks."

'Cause i don't know

if you know.

David letterman is my boss,

right?

Now this is my boss, and he's

caught in a sex scandal.

Now the job is, you know,

Make fun of the people who

are caught in the sex scandal,

But in this case,

it's my boss.

Now i have to do the job,

But i'd quite like

to keep the f***in' job.

It's like trying to do a rubik's

cube in a burning building.

I was like...

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Actually, when i first heard

about dave's sex scandal,

I shat my pants.

It was awful, because...

What, you can't say

"shat your pants" in nashville?

All right. I soiled my britches

when i heard about it.

What i mean is, i got afraid,

Because i was walking around

the house in the morning,

And the tv was on,

and i wasn't paying attention.

I was just doing my thing,

getting ready and stuff.

And the tv news was on,

And i heard the anchorman say,

"Cbs late night host

caught in sex scandal."

I was like,

"fabio, you b*tch!"

And then i was like, "oh..."

What can i tell you?

I like big women.

Do you remember?

I'm gonna get to this joke.

Do you remember when...

Do you remember when fabio

got hit in the face by a goose?

Remember that?

Fabio did...

They were opening a new

amusement park somewhere.

I think it was in florida

or the midwest.

Busch gardens,

it was called.

I'd go. That's a great name,

actually, busch gardens.

Busch gardens?

You had me at "busch."

But they...

But they were opening up

this new amusement park.

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