Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #5
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2011
- 66 min
- 80 Views
This is a true story.
And they said, "we need
to get a celebrity,"
You know,
for this new amusement park.
Someone that's gonna
bring in the kids.
They're like, "oh, fabio."
And they go with fabio.
And it was the first ride
of the roller coaster,
you know,
The first guy to ride the roller
coaster at busch gardens.
But they have the...
they had this thing.
Fabio was in the front car,
and it started up.
And it was kinda going...
Going up the thing, the hill,
for the first time,
And his shirt was open
and his hair's all blowing.
He's like, "aah..."
It wasn't even windy.
He can just do that.
He was like, "aah..."
And just as it got to the top,
just the...
And the goose went,
"f***ing hell. Is that fabio?
What the...aah!"
And as the goose is dying,
It's thinking, "what are
the f***ing odds of this?
Death by fabio?"
But they had to do an emergency
stop of the roller coaster,
And they
brought it around quick,
And fabio was all f***ed up.
He was all...
oh, it was terrible.
No, you shouldn't laugh.
It was awful.
He was all mad.
He was angry.
There was feathers
and beak marks.
Little webbed
footprints and stuff.
And he was all...
"aah."
He looked like he'd been eating
a live chicken or something.
He's like...
And he...but he was okay.
But a couple of days later...
this is true.
we are the world thing
For people that had been
hit in the face
on roller coasters.
That's true!
we were hit by geese
it really hurt
the little beak
went in my cheek
and now i'm f***ed...
But, actually,
it didn't work out,
Because, you know,
they looked it up,
And they're like,
"Actually, in the history of the
human race and roller coasters,
This has never
f***in' happened before."
The odds are astronomical!
This could never happen,
but it did.
And you know what?
See, when something
that unlikely happens,
Something that weirdly
out of the ordinary,
That, to me,
proves the existence of god.
Proves it.
You know god exists
and god has a sense of humor.
'Cause god's watching fabio,
and he's like,
"Is that fabio?"
"How does he do that thing
with the shirt and the hair?
It's not even windy
over here."
"Hey, come here
and look at this.
"Come here, come here.
"Just come here.
It's...it'll be fun.
Come here."
"Yeah, i'm gonna.
I'm gonna.
"Yes, i am.
Boom. Yeah!"
How do you feel now,
atheists?
Think about that when you're
driving home in your prius,
You f***in' hippie.
That's right.
I said it.
I said it.
Get an engine,
you communist.
I don't like you, and i don't
like your f***in' little car.
I don't like them priuses.
They're too quiet.
I feel like i'm gonna
wake up one night
And there'll be one
at the end of my bed.
"I recycle."
"Do you?"
That's how i've proved to myself
the existence of god.
I now no longer have
a struggle with faith.
I've proved to myself
the existence of god.
tonight the existence of god
Using my unlikeliness theory.
Right? Here it is,
the unlikeliness theory.
I will prove to you now
the existence of god.
Siegfried and roy.
Bear with me.
For this we have
to go back in time.
We're going back in time
to vienna, austria.
It's 1974.
There's a little fog
in the street.
Just that little fog,
Like a smashing pumpkins
video.
A young man
is walking the streets.
He is forlorn and dejected.
His name is siegfried.
"I am forlorn
and dejected.
"I am doomed
to a life of loneliness,
"For no one will ever
share my interests.
My only two interests
are lion taming and cock."
"Who in all of austria
Would also be interested
in lion taming and cock?"
"Hi, siegfried.
I'm roy.
I'm also interested
in lion taming and cock."
Two gay austrian
lion tamers?
What are the f***in'
odds of that?
What are the odds of that?
"I also like white tigers."
"I love white tigers!"
How do you feel now,
atheists?
Let me ask you a question,
atheists,
When you're driving home
in them little priuses.
Who do you call on
when the brakes fail
In that little sh*t box?
"Oh, no. Help me,
Spontaneous
chemical reaction."
What am i talking about?
Oh, yeah, dave sex scandal.
The dave sex scandal
was terrible, terrible for me.
The only thing
that i was grateful for,
There was no sex tape.
'Cause, you know,
i love dave,
But i don't want
to see that.
Actually, i don't watch
the sex tapes.
I try not to watch
the celebrity sex videotapes,
'Cause a lot of these people
are gonna be on the show,
And i don't want that
in my head
When i meet someone
for the first time.
Like, "oh, yeah, i remember
his cock from the internet.
How you doing?"
That's why tommy lee
has never been on the show,
'Cause i've seen that one.
Actually,
before i saw that video,
I didn't know
tommy lee was scottish.
And the other one that
i wish i'd seen but i never saw
Were the carrie prejean
sex tapes.
Do you remember
carrie prejean?
She was a miss california
beauty queen.
No, you don't, but thanks.
Uh...
"I haven't
made a noise for a while.
Aah!"
Carrie prejean
Was a miss california
beauty queen
Who became miss usa, and she got
into terrible trouble,
Because during
the question-And-Answer part
Of the beauty pageant, you know,
when they grill the girls
To find out if they're smart
enough to be beauty queens,
They...
If you don't get this right,
you're ugly.
And by the way, beauty
That's like a midget deciding
who's the tallest.
What the f***?
Did you "ooh" me
for donald trump?
F***ing seriously?
Anyway, carrie prejean
was this...
She got into terrible trouble,
'Cause during
the question-And-Answer thing,
It came out that she was
against gay marriage.
So all the people
that are for gay marriage
Were like, "what?"
And all the people
that were against gay marriage
Were like, "hooray!"
But then her time in the media
was f***ed up,
Because sex tapes came out
where, apparently,
She had been sending sex tapes
to her boyfriend on her phone...
Just of her,
just her on her own,
No one else in the tape,
Which i think is a level
of confidence
That's amazing.
"I'm making a sex tape."
"Really? Who's in it?"
"Just me."
"Who else do you need?"
Actually,
when a woman does that,
That's...that's
actually awesome.
Now, women...that'd be great.
A man should never
do that, though.
Never send...no woman wants
to see that on her phone.
That would be bad.
Ugh.
Here's me thinking
about you, honey.
Whaa-Ha!
Can't wait to see you tonight.
A woman would get that on her
phone...she'd be like, "aah!
Ah, take out my eyes!
I can never use them again!"
She got into terrible trouble,
this carrie prejean woman,
And she had to go on larry king
to defend herself.
By the way, i love larry king.
I do.
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"Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said?" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 12 Jan. 2025. <https://www.scripts.com/script/craig_ferguson:_does_this_need_to_be_said_6014>.
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