Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #5

This is a true story.

And they said, "we need

to get a celebrity,"

You know,

for this new amusement park.

Someone that's gonna

bring in the kids.

They're like, "oh, fabio."

And they go with fabio.

And it was the first ride

of the roller coaster,

And fabio was gonna be,

you know,

The first guy to ride the roller

coaster at busch gardens.

But they have the...

they had this thing.

Fabio was in the front car,

and it started up.

And it was kinda going...

Going up the thing, the hill,

for the first time,

And fabio was sitting there,

And his shirt was open

and his hair's all blowing.

He's like, "aah..."

It wasn't even windy.

He can just do that.

He was like, "aah..."

And just as it got to the top,

just the...

A goose is flying by.

And the goose went,

"f***ing hell. Is that fabio?

What the...aah!"

And as the goose is dying,

It's thinking, "what are

the f***ing odds of this?

Death by fabio?"

But they had to do an emergency

stop of the roller coaster,

And they

brought it around quick,

And fabio was all f***ed up.

He was all...

oh, it was terrible.

No, you shouldn't laugh.

It was awful.

He was all mad.

He was angry.

There was feathers

and beak marks.

Little webbed

footprints and stuff.

And he was all...

"aah."

He looked like he'd been eating

a live chicken or something.

He's like...

And he...but he was okay.

But a couple of days later...

this is true.

He tried to start a kind of

we are the world thing

For people that had been

hit in the face

By geese while riding

on roller coasters.

That's true!

we were hit by geese

it really hurt

the little beak

went in my cheek

and now i'm f***ed...

But, actually,

it didn't work out,

Because, you know,

they looked it up,

And they're like,

"Actually, in the history of the

human race and roller coasters,

This has never

f***in' happened before."

The odds are astronomical!

This could never happen,

but it did.

And you know what?

See, when something

that unlikely happens,

Something that weirdly

out of the ordinary,

That, to me,

proves the existence of god.

Proves it.

You know god exists

and god has a sense of humor.

'Cause god's watching fabio,

and he's like,

"Is that fabio?"

"How does he do that thing

with the shirt and the hair?

It's not even windy

over here."

"Hey, come here

and look at this.

"Come here, come here.

"Just come here.

It's...it'll be fun.

Come here."

"Yeah, i'm gonna.

I'm gonna.

"Yes, i am.

Boom. Yeah!"

How do you feel now,

atheists?

Think about that when you're

driving home in your prius,

You f***in' hippie.

That's right.

I said it.

I said it.

Get an engine,

you communist.

I don't like you, and i don't

like your f***in' little car.

I don't like them priuses.

They're too quiet.

I feel like i'm gonna

wake up one night

And there'll be one

at the end of my bed.

"I recycle."

"Do you?"

That's how i've proved to myself

the existence of god.

I now no longer have

a struggle with faith.

I've proved to myself

the existence of god.

I will prove to you right now

tonight the existence of god

Using my unlikeliness theory.

Right? Here it is,

the unlikeliness theory.

I will prove to you now

the existence of god.

Siegfried and roy.

Bear with me.

For this we have

to go back in time.

We're going back in time

to vienna, austria.

It's 1974.

There's a little fog

in the street.

Just that little fog,

Like a smashing pumpkins

video.

A young man

is walking the streets.

He is forlorn and dejected.

His name is siegfried.

"I am forlorn

and dejected.

"I am doomed

to a life of loneliness,

"For no one will ever

share my interests.

My only two interests

are lion taming and cock."

"Who in all of austria

Would also be interested

in lion taming and cock?"

"Hi, siegfried.

I'm roy.

I'm also interested

in lion taming and cock."

Two gay austrian

lion tamers?

What are the f***in'

odds of that?

What are the odds of that?

"I also like white tigers."

"I love white tigers!"

How do you feel now,

atheists?

Let me ask you a question,

atheists,

When you're driving home

in them little priuses.

Who do you call on

when the brakes fail

In that little sh*t box?

"Oh, no. Help me,

Spontaneous

chemical reaction."

What am i talking about?

Oh, yeah, dave sex scandal.

The dave sex scandal

was terrible, terrible for me.

The only thing

that i was grateful for,

There was no sex tape.

'Cause, you know,

i love dave,

But i don't want

to see that.

Actually, i don't watch

the sex tapes.

I try not to watch

the celebrity sex videotapes,

'Cause a lot of these people

are gonna be on the show,

And i don't want that

in my head

When i meet someone

for the first time.

Like, "oh, yeah, i remember

his cock from the internet.

How you doing?"

That's why tommy lee

has never been on the show,

'Cause i've seen that one.

Actually,

before i saw that video,

I didn't know

tommy lee was scottish.

And the other one that

i wish i'd seen but i never saw

Were the carrie prejean

sex tapes.

Do you remember

carrie prejean?

She was a miss california

beauty queen.

No, you don't, but thanks.

Uh...

"I haven't

made a noise for a while.

Aah!"

Carrie prejean

Was a miss california

beauty queen

Who became miss usa, and she got

into terrible trouble,

Because during

the question-And-Answer part

Of the beauty pageant, you know,

when they grill the girls

To find out if they're smart

enough to be beauty queens,

They...

If you don't get this right,

you're ugly.

And by the way, beauty

is decided by donald trump?

That's like a midget deciding

who's the tallest.

What the f***?

Did you "ooh" me

for donald trump?

F***ing seriously?

Anyway, carrie prejean

was this...

She got into terrible trouble,

'Cause during

the question-And-Answer thing,

It came out that she was

against gay marriage.

So all the people

that are for gay marriage

Were like, "what?"

And all the people

that were against gay marriage

Were like, "hooray!"

But then her time in the media

was f***ed up,

Because sex tapes came out

where, apparently,

She had been sending sex tapes

to her boyfriend on her phone...

Just of her,

just her on her own,

No one else in the tape,

Which i think is a level

of confidence

I could only aspire to.

That's amazing.

"I'm making a sex tape."

"Really? Who's in it?"

"Just me."

"Who else do you need?"

Actually,

when a woman does that,

That's...that's

actually awesome.

Now, women...that'd be great.

A man should never

do that, though.

Never send...no woman wants

to see that on her phone.

That would be bad.

Ugh.

Here's me thinking

about you, honey.

Whaa-Ha!

Can't wait to see you tonight.

A woman would get that on her

phone...she'd be like, "aah!

Ah, take out my eyes!

I can never use them again!"

She got into terrible trouble,

this carrie prejean woman,

And she had to go on larry king

to defend herself.

By the way, i love larry king.

I do.

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