Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #6

I really love larry king,

and i hate that he's retiring

And being replaced

by some british f***.

We don't need foreigners

on american television.

What the f*** is going on?

That's right!

She had to go...

I do. I love larry king.

I do.

Larry king is...like, that's

the way you should grow old,

Like larry king.

Larry king typifies,

for me,

The spirit

of the punk-Rock movement.

Absolutely, 'cause he's like...

You know, like you young people,

you're like,

"I don't give a f***

what you think, man."

You give a f***.

You comb your hair.

You wear deodorant.

Larry doesn't f***ing give

a sh*t about any of that.

Larry doesn't give a f***

what you think.

It's true.

I've been on his show.

Larry will look you

directly in the eyes,

Fart really loudly,

and not break eye contact.

It's like...

What's wrong?

Don't you like brisket?

I f***ing love

larry king...i love him.

That's the way i want

to grow old, like larry king,

Not giving a f***.

That's how you get old.

Like, see, when i was a young

comedian in the comedy clubs...

I was, like, 23, 24...

I was like, "all the older

comedians are hacks, man.

They're all a**holes.

They're all f***ing hacks."

But now, you see, i'm 48,

And i hear

the young comedians talking,

And i'm like,

"shut the f*** up, you douche."

And stop touching your groin

when you're telling jokes.

It doesn't make you edgy.

It just looks dirty.

They're like, "hi, everybody.

I'm edgy. Whoa, oh, oh."

"Here's a new style of comedy...

me touching my cock."

I don't have to keep doing this.

I just like doing this.

"Hey, everybody. I'm edgy.

I'm edgy. Mm-Hmm.

"Have you ever noticed

how some things

Are like other things?"

Now, i'm 48 years old.

I've been married three times.

I've been through rehab.

My balls touch my ankles

when i stand up, but, no...

I never noticed how some things

are like other things.

Shut up!

It's true.

My balls are leaving me...

Slowly.

Sometimes i feel i'm being

followed by twin hamsters.

Are they still there?

I'm getting away, though.

Anyway...oh, yeah,

i was gonna tell you this joke.

So here's the joke.

It's an old joke,

which means i stole it.

I didn't really steal it, but

if you do what i do for a living

And go on the internet

accidentally

And google yourself

accidentally...

F*** you.

People will say that you steal

things all the time.

I noticed that.

This is not kidding, right?

I googled myself.

I don't do it anymore.

I googled myself by accident.

I came into the room,

and i tripped and fell

And typed my name in google

on the computer.

Like, oh!

I googled...and somebody said in

this chat room on the internet...

I'm not kidding.

This is true.

Somebody said...

Said,

"that craig ferguson, yeah,

He stole the whole scottish

thing from mike myers."

Now, listen, i know mike myers.

I like him.

He's a very nice man,

but he's canadian.

And in this same chat room...

i'm not kidding.

In the same chat room,

somebody else...this is true.

Somebody said, "no, no,

he didn't steal his act

"From mike myers.

He stole his act

from ellen degeneres."

Now, listen, i know

and like ellen degeneres.

She's a very nice woman,

but come on!

I'm not butch enough

to do ellen material.

I do kind of look

like an old lesbian, don't i?

I kind of do.

I've noticed it.

I know. I know.

It's all right.

We can just...

you know, we can talk about it.

Sometimes i just look

in the mirror, i'm like,

"F***, k.D. Lang."

There's this idea that people

are meaner than they used to be.

Because of the internet,

you know, people are meaner.

They're not meaner. People are

not meaner than they used to be.

People have always been

a**holes, except you guys.

But they...

But they are,

and people are not meaner.

What happens is the technology

is just faster.

It's just faster.

What happens is,

you have this crazy idea,

And there's a crazy,

angry thought, and you're like,

"I've got a crazy,

angry thought."

Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom!

And it's out.

And you don't have time.

You don't have time to slow down

and self-Edit and ask yourself

The three things

you must always ask yourself

Before you say anything, which

is, "does this need to be said?

"Does this

need to be said by me?

Does this need to be said

by me now?"

Three f***ing marriages

it took me to learn that.

Three.

It's like...it's the technology.

It's too fast.

Like, in the old days...

In the middle ages,

if you had a crazy thought,

You were like,

"i got to write this down.

"I'm so angry. I'm so crazy.

I'm gonna write this down.

"Well, i better learn

to read and write,

"Because it's the middle ages,

And only monks and priests

can read and write."

Right, well, okay,

a couple of years of that...

"I'm still angry.

I'm gonna write this down.

"I'm gonna need...oh, f*** it.

I'm gonna need parchment.

"All right, parchment

and weave the parchment.

"Weave the parchment.

Right, got some parchment.

Oh, f***, a pen.

Give me a chicken."

"Right, chicken.

Oh, f***, ink.

"Crush the berries.

Crush the berries.

"Right, parchment, berries,

pen...let's go.

"Right, capital letter

to start off...

"Big medieval capital letter

with things going around it,

"Little trees

and squirrelly bits.

"God's hand coming down...

a little castle, a tree,

"A brook, a dwarf,

all kind of things,

"Little tigers and designs.

You know what?

I'm just gonna let it go."

Three weeks for the letter "f,"

30 seconds for "uck it."

Also, of course,

with the internet,

You've got

that kind of hidden feeling.

You're kind of protected.

You're kind of...

You know,

you're kind of anonymous.

It's kind of like

in your car.

You're a bit more of a dick when

you drive than when you walk,

'Cause you're kind of protected.

It's like the same thing.

Like, you would never walk

like you drive.

You never walk up

behind somebody and go,

"Oh, come on, get a move on.

"Oh!

"Oh, what? Come on!

"Oh, invisible friend,

look at this.

"Oh. Oh!

I know you're on my side, god.

Come on!"

Like, getting round in front

of them and slowing down...

"How do you

f***ing like it, huh?"

"Learn to walk, you bastard."

You wouldn't do that,

'cause somebody would kill you.

Men are particularly bad

at this.

I'm as bad as any other man.

You know, we think

if we have a big machine,

A big badass machine,

like a big truck or a big car,

It makes us

a big badass person.

It doesn't.

It doesn't.

It makes you the owner

of a big badass machine.

That's all.

I saw a very good example

of this

When i used to live in london.

I lived in london, and i saw

a traffic accident one day

Between a guy

on a big italian motorcycle...

Beautiful, big thing,

A big "what's-A-Coming-A-Go,

"what's-A-Coming-A-Go"...

And...

And a little mini cooper,

you know, a little kind of...

Beep, beep.

And they had this accident.

It wasn't too bad.

But the bike went over,

And the mini cooper went

into the curb,

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