Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #7

And the guy on the bike

was f***ing crazy.

He was incensed.

He got up,

and he gets a bike chain.

He goes over to the mini,

And the doors are still closed

in the mini.

He goes over,

and he's f***ing mad.

He gets the bike chain, and he's

like, "you crazy motherf***er!

You got to...

Well, it wasn't like that.

It was london. He was like...

"I'm terribly

cross with you right now."

"Ooh, you've made me grumpy."

And i know what he's thinking.

He's thinking, well,

the mini cooper is a small car,

So the person in it

is gonna be small,

And he's gonna be able

to bully and intimidate them.

And, of course, the door opens,

And this f***ing head

starts to come out...

This huge, giant cockney head,

big thing,

No hair on the top, just bits

of bacon and fur and stuff.

And this guy...

like, one eye in the middle,

And he's like...

He gets up, and he...

And he's wearing one of them

pinkie rings that guys wear

When their hobby is murdering.

And he gets...he gets

up to his full height,

And he looks down at the guy,

and he's like,

"What the f***

do you think you're doing?"

And the guy

with the chain said,

"I saw a bug

on the roof of your car,

"And...

"It looked like it might be

a sting-Y one.

I was chasing it away."

But what happened is,

He was made to be responsible

for his actions.

But that won't happen to you

on the internet.

Nobody on the internet...

No big cockney's gonna come

round to your house

If you've been on the internet

And stuff a bike chain

down your pants and slap you...

Unless you go to the right

website maybe, and then...

Chaindownyourpants.Com,

If that exists.

It will by midnight.

I'll see you there.

Now, i noticed when people

Were getting f***ing mean

on the internet...

What happened is i accidentally

googled myself...

Fell over, typed my name in...

after i got married.

I got married again,

and i went on the internet

To see how happy

everyone was for me.

F***ing hell.

It was awful.

One woman...

i think it was a woman.

Her name was susan123

or something,

And she said,

"married again, eh?

Hmm. She's a user,

and he's a pervert."

And i'm like,

"how do they know us?"

I did. I got married...

i got married again.

I got married

to a yankee woman.

What?

You wouldn't make that noise

if you were a real yankee.

You'd just sit there

quietly smug in your cardigan.

No, i did.

I married a yankee woman

From up

in the new hampshire area.

And they're very...

very posh kind of yankees,

Very kind of upper-Class

yankees, which is freaky for me,

Because they

don't even sound american.

You know, they sound...

they are american,

But they sound

like english people.

They're like,

"oh, yes,

"We're terribly american, yes.

"We're terribly american.

We enjoy gum,

and we detest al-Qaeda."

They do.

They sound like

upper-Class english people.

They're so posh, they don't say

the word "yes."

They say, "ears."

They're like...you say,

"would you like a drink?"

They go...

"Ears, that would be lovely."

I remember that.

I remember that

from when i lived in london.

Occasionally,

when i lived in london,

I would have sex with a girl

from an aristocratic family.

And i...

I always enjoy doing to them

What their ancestors

did to my country.

Oh...

Although with me, there was

always cuddling afterwards.

But it's very confusing

having sex

With an upper-Class

english girl,

Because they'd be saying,

"oh, ears, ears, ears.

Ears! Ears!"

I'd be like,

"oh, all right, then."

And the midget would be like,

"what the hell are you doing?"

I'd be like, "never mind."

And then when they start saying,

"oh, i'm arriving.

I'm arriving!"

I'm kidding.

I never heard that.

But...

They're very strange,

though, the yankees.

They're very,

very strange to me.

They're weird.

They're so tight-Ass.

They're like...

"ears."

It's like, even when they

get drunk, they're tight-Ass.

Like, when my people get drunk,

we go crazy.

We're just like...

"Oh, danny boy!

You don't f***ing know me!

You...i f***ing love you!"

"I'm all right!

I'm all right!"

"I know! I'm good!"

Oh!

And the men are worse,

but when yankees get drunk...

When yankees get drunk,

they're just more tight-Ass.

You go, "are you drunk?"

They go, "ears."

They're like the addams family.

When i first met them,

they were...i go to the house,

There was a plate

of cookies going round,

And i went to take one,

and somebody said,

"Not that one.

That's for mother."

Very strange.

Not like my family at all.

My family aren't upper-Class

or posh or anything.

We're more kind of...

How do you describe my family?

Carnies, i guess.

Carnies.

We're kind of carnies.

We are, you know,

working-Class people

With psychic abilities.

That's what we are.

My father had a very unusual

psychic ability.

He could, um,

detect water.

It's called divining.

He would use a "y"- Shaped

"u" branch

And he could find water

with that.

Which is

a very impressive skill

In a country where it rains

365 days of the year.

"I think there's water

over here, son."

"It's a swamp, dad."

Not only could my father

find water with a stick.

He could find a bar

with his shoes.

Hang on, son.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Whoa, oh, what's this?

What's this?

Come on.

Right again!

I don't want to give you

the wrong impression

About my dad.

He wasn't a drunk

or an alcoholic.

He was just scottish.

I became a terrible drunk

or alcoholic...

Or a good one,

Depending on your point

of view, i guess.

I certainly threw myself

at it with gusto.

There was no half-Measures

with me.

People never said,

"i wonder if he's a..."

"No, no. He is."

So i mean, i've been sober

for a very long time

And people still say to me,

they say,

"Oh, craig, how much did you

drink back then?"

I'm like,

"i don't know."

It's not f***ing

weight watchers.

It's not like you wake up

in the dumpster

And go, "oomp, 14 units.

I need a meeting."

That's one of the few upsides

Of active alcoholism.

Very little

in the way of paperwork.

It's one of those weird things,

being an alcoholic.

Everybody thinks

they know about it

More than you do.

It's kind of like having

a southern accent,

You know what i mean?

It's like people

do it back to you.

Like, "yickety-Dickety."

It's true. People think

they know about it.

They're like,

"oh, you know,

This is what you have to do."

I was like,

"oh, shut the f*** up."

You don't know

about this.

It's like...

people like me,

When we listen to people

who are not alcoholics,

And they're having drinks

and they say,

"Mm, oh, i'm gonna

have to stop now.

I'm starting to feel it."

And i'm like,

"that's the f***ing point."

That's the point!

"Oh, i'm...i'm starting to get

a little drunk."

Yes!

Starting to feel it is not

the end of drinking.

It's the beginning

of drinking.

Anyway, look,

i'm gonna tell you this joke.

It's very important

that i tell you,

'Cause this

is what i want to do.

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