Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest

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It's a great day for America,

everybody!

It's...

It's a great day for me.

I finally get to use my sign!

You'd be surprised

how many times in America

they're not that happy to see

that sign.

We've been touring.

They're like, "This is

Greensboro, North Carolina.

Boo!"

Who's smoking weed?

I can smell weed.

What the f***?

Look, this is an intervention.

Actually, I'm not doing a show.

We're worried

about your weed use.

You got any weed up there

in the cheap seats?

Any weed going on up there?

I'm very happy to be here.

If you've ever seen me before,

first of all, I apologize...

no refunds.

And secondly,

you know what I like to do

every evening is tell a joke,

just one joke,

but a great joke...

the best joke in the world.

Yeah. No, that's true.

If you Google the...

All right.

I want to encourage you.

No, the...

No, no, no, no.

I'm over it.

Anyway, look,

this is the number-one joke

in the English language,

this joke,

and the number-one joke

in the United States.

And if you know anything

about me,

you know I'm

a very patriotic American.

No irony, no bullshit,

very patriotic.

I start every show with

"It's a great day for America."

That's my thing.

That's my catch...

Don't. No, it's all right.

It's my catchphrase...

"It's a great day for America."

I tried other catchphrases.

I tried,

"That sounded dirty."

Just kind of creep people out.

And then,

"See you in hell, amigos!"

And nobody could make any sense

of that one.

My own personal favorite...

"F*** you, Dr. Phil!"

But...

None of them took off,

so it's a great day for America.

That's my thing that I say.

That's the one I'll be saying

for the rest of my life.

That's the one I'll be saying

when I'm doing ads

for local car dealerships.

Come on down to Toyotathon,

cheeky monkeys.

Look at these deals

in new and used models.

It's a great day for America.

That's the big blowy guy

out front.

I don't know.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

It's the big blowy guy

out front.

Did any of you see

the big blowy guy out front?

Hello. I think you know

what I'm saying.

It's not a great idea having

a catchphrase, to be honest,

if you do what I do,

because people get very angry

if you forget to say it.

I won't say where, but recently

in Greensboro, North Carolina,

I came out, and I forgot to say,

"It's a great day for America,"

and there was a gentleman

waiting for me

at the stage door.

And I'm not talking, like,

in Broadway,

where the gentleman has

a top hat and a scarf

and says, "Can I take you

to a supper club, young missy?"

I mean...

Ooh, here's hoping tonight.

But, no, I mean,

there was a guy waiting.

I think...I'm pretty sure

he was armed.

He was like, "Why didn't you say

it was a great day for America?"

I was like,

"I just forgot, man."

He's like, "You didn't forget.

I know what you're doing.

I seen Homeland."

It was like,

"No, man, I forgot."

People get mad at you

if you forget to say it,

and people get mad at you

if you say it.

There's always one every night,

if I come out and I'm like,

"Oh, it's a great day

for America," they'll be

somebody like, "Why is it

a great day for America, Craig?

My cat got shingles today."

"My cat, which is

coincidentally named America."

It's all right.

Cats can't get shingles.

It's just a joke.

I don't think they can get

shingles, anyway.

I don't know, I'm not a doctor,

just like Dr. Phil isn't.

No, I don't know.

Shingles is...I mean, I wouldn't

wish shingles on a cat.

It's a terrible thing.

It is. If you've ever

had shingles, it's awful.

It sounds

like it'd be fabulous.

Like, "You wearing

your shingles to Gay Pride?"

"F***ing bet I am, b*tch.

I'm gonna be covered in shingles

and smelling of weed."

But it's not like that

at all, shingles.

It's like, "Oh, God!

Aah, it's so painful, shingles.

I hope cats get this."

But people get mad at you

if you say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if

you don't say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if you do

what I do for a living.

They just get mad at you

if you just talk.

I think people are mad at me on

the way to the f***ing theater.

I think people are offended

before they leave

the f***ing house.

"You ready to go to the show?"

"Yep."

"Are you offended?"

"F***ing right, I am. Let's go."

So, if people get offended

at one of my shows,

I think, "What did you think

was gonna happen?

"What did you think

was gonna happen?

I mean, what"...

Anyway, what I'm saying is

people get offended

all the time.

Let me just apologize now,

do you know what I mean?

Let me just apolo...because

before this night is through,

I guarantee that each and every

one of you will be offended

by something that I say.

Save your applause until

it's your turn, all right?

Not that I'm gonna offend you,

of course,

because I happen to believe what

everyone in this room believes.

Craig, that's crazy. You can't

believe what everyone believes.

I don't. I only believe what

everyone in this room believes.

Everyone who's not here is

a stupid a**hole.

Am I right,

everybody in this room?

Yeah!

I'm not judging them.

I'm just being honest.

That's what you say, by the way,

if you want to say

the worst sh*t you can think of

and get away with it,

you just add to the sentence,

"I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest."

Then you can say what the f***

you like.

It is carte blanche,

which is French for "white map."

It is white map.

It is white map to say

whatever you want.

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

You can say what you like.

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

But your mom

gives terrible blow jobs.

Is that too much already?

All right.

We'll bring it back a bit.

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

Your mom gives great blow jobs.

You know, when people get

offended at one of my shows,

I think, "What the f***

did you think was gonna happen?

I mean, really, you come to a

tumbledown sh*t pit like this"...

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

"You come...

"you come to a beautiful theater

like this,

"stinking of weed,

"to see a creepy foreigner

that used to tell dirty jokes

"in the middle of the night

on free TV.

What the f*** did you think

was gonna happen?"

See, I think...

I used to think that everybody

came to a comedy show

for a laugh,

and most people do, I think,

but there are some, there's

always some in every show

that are here for something

better than a laugh.

They're about here tonight,

I think.

They're here

for something better,

not for comedy,

for something ever more fun...

the exquisite pleasure

of righteous indignation.

Yes, that's not funny to me,

because I'm morally superior

to you.

But let me put it to you,

if everyone around you

is laughing

and you are not laughing,

perhaps you are not

morally superior.

Perhaps you're just

a miserable sh*t.

Not judging.

It's not that you're not allowed

to be offended.

Of course you are. You must

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