Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #2

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talk about what offends you.

That's what I do.

I talk about what offends me.

It's just that whatever,

you know, seems to offend

most people doesn't seem

to bother me at all.

I'm not offended by, you know,

what you believe.

I don't give a sh*t

what your belief system is.

I mean, you're wrong,

but I'm not offended by it.

I'm not offended if you think

that magic underpants

are gonna put God

in a good mood.

Good for you.

I'm not offended

if you think

the magic Scientology machine

will make you not gay.

Good for you.

Here's one.

I'm not offended if you think

the biscuit turns into Jesus.

Ooh, remember how excited

you were

about how offended

you were gonna be?

Wait a minute.

No, of course the biscuit

turns into Jesus.

Can I ask, when does the biscuit

turn into Jesus?

Is it on the way to your mouth

or does your saliva

activate the biscuit,

turning it into Jesus?

For example, could you go

to a supermarket,

open up a packet of biscuits,

and go...

Jesus?

Not judging.

No, none of that offends me.

I'm not offended

by your belief system.

Believe what you want.

I don't care.

You know what offends me is

those bastards that walk around

with shoes that look like feet.

F*** those people!

Oh, my shoes look like feet.

Look at that!

Oh-ho!

My shoes, they look like...

It's like walking around

in your bare feet.

Oh, that's amazing.

That must be amazing.

What does that feel like?

You want to impress me, you have

feet that look like shoes.

That's a way to look smart

and save money at the same time.

Oh, my shoes look like feet.

You know the people

I'm talking about.

The bastards that play

Hacky Sack.

Hey, hey, hey!

That's another thing

that offends me...Hacky Sack.

That is not a sport.

That is not an activity.

It's stoner foot juggling.

My shoes look like feet.

Actually, I want to tell you

something.

I'll get on with the show

in a minute.

I, um...

I'll be fine.

It'll all cut together.

I was in Scotland recently,

and I was in a toy store

with one of my kids.

I wasn't just hanging around

in a toy store.

Hey, how you doing?

Like my shoes?

They look like feet, don't they?

I kind of creeped myself out

there a little bit.

No, I was in a toy store

with one of my kids,

and I saw that...in Scotland...

and I saw that they have

Hacky Sack in Scotland now,

but they've changed the name

of it

to make it sound more Scottish

to market it

to a Scottish audience.

So it's not called Hacky Sack.

It's called,

and I'm not kidding, footbag.

Footbag!

They have sucked all the joy

and frivolity

out of the activity

and made it sound like

an unpleasant medical procedure.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to

have a footbag, Mr. Ferguson.

Footbag.

Come on, let's play footbag

with the amputated scrotum

of an Englishman.

Ah, footbag.

Anyway, what I'm saying is

I don't like the people

with the shoes that look

like feet. I don't like that.

You know the people

I'm talking about?

The people that have got

prescriptions

for medical marijuana,

but they don't really need it.

It's like,

"Yeah, it's for my anxiety."

"I get really anxious

if I'm not high."

You know what? I don't want to

even smoke marijuana anymore.

I haven't smoke marijuana

in over 20 years,

but at least when I did,

it was illegal.

You f***ing pussies!

You don't have the decency

to buy your recreational drugs

from a dangerous criminal

in a truck stop bathroom.

F*** you people!

Oh, my shoes look like feet.

Ah, ah, ah.

I don't like that whole

"things are like other things"

way of life.

I don't like it.

You know, it's like,

my shoes look like feet.

Oh, this tofu

tastes like bacon.

No, it doesn't!

No, it doesn't!

It tastes like feet.

My shoes look like feet.

This tofu tastes like bacon.

This melon feels like a vagina.

Actually, that...that is true.

Perhaps I've said too much.

What can I tell you?

I was young. I was in love.

It was Paris.

It was springtime.

Melons were in season.

We saw each other

over the produce counter.

Here's a tip, by the way,

if you are going to try

the melon-vagina experiment.

Please, allow the melon to reach

room temperature first.

Don't just go straight to

the refrigerator and get busy.

Don't!

Go out,

see a movie or something.

Get to know each other.

Don't just go at it

with a freezing-cold melon.

I think that's what happened

to Christopher Walken.

You know somebody's

gonna be angry now.

People get very angry usually

when you talk about

having sex with fruit.

Oh, come on, Craig,

that's disgusting.

It's not even comedy.

It's just disgusting.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

If you are doing it correctly.

It's not even comedy.

My father used to say

the same thing

about music I liked

when I was a kid.

He was like,

"That's not even music, son.

That's just a noise."

I'd be like, "That's what

f***ing music is, Dad.

It's a noise.

"Oh, that's not even music.

It's a noise."

'Cause I used to...'cause I loved

punk rock when I was a kid.

We all did.

It was like...

F*** you to the queen

F*** you to the queen,

f*** you to the...

F*** you to the queen

The queen,

ah, ah, ah, queen

We were very angry

at the queen...

Which I think

must have confused the queen

a great deal at the time.

She'd be like, "What the f***?

Why is everybody angry at me

all of a sudden?"

This is the queen

walking her dog.

Painting a word picture.

No, we were very angry at

the queen. I can't remember why.

We were young

and therefore stupid.

That's right, young people,

I called you stupid.

Tell me how offended you are

on Instagram.

That's how you little f***ers

deal with confrontation now,

isn't it?

"Oh, yeah?

Well, guess what.

"I've got some things to say to

you, and this is gonna be bad.

Aah!" Send.

Anyway, my dad used to hate

the music,

'cause I loved punk rock,

and my dad hated it.

He was like, "That's not even

music, son. It's just a noise."

I'd be like, "Dad, that's what

music is. It's a noise."

For example, I don't

particularly enjoy

the saxophone stylings

of Kenny G, all right?

I understand

this is risky material.

Stay with me.

I don't...I don't care

for Kenny G.

I'm not into it.

I don't like all that...

Fadoodle doodle do do do

Fadoodle doodle do do do

But I admit, it's music.

It's just music

that I don't want to hear.

And it's very difficult to

avoid. It's f***ing everywhere.

It's in the hotel lobbies.

It's in the elevators.

It's the hold music for

the hard-core gay chat lines.

It's everywhere!

What do you want?

Melons, please.

Hold on.

Fadoodle doodle do

You know, I didn't know

that Kenny G was a real person

for the longest time.

I thought it was just

a computer program

that helped you relax...

'cause it's been proven

by science.

It's been proven that

the sound of Kenny G, that..

Fadoodle doodle

That physically has an effect

on you.

That physically relaxes

your muscles.

Fadoodle doodle do

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