Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #3

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Fadoodle doodle do do do

Feel what's happening

in your buttocks right now.

Fadoodle doodle do

Do do do-do do

If I keep doing this,

you'll sh*t yourself.

Some of you may be ahead

of the curve, I don't know.

Fadoodle doodle do do do

I didn't think Kenny G was

a real person until I met him.

Shut up, Craig.

You did not.

You f***ing shut up.

I did.

I did.

There was a big Hollywood party,

and there was some kind of

a mix-up, 'cause I was invited.

So I went, and...

Kenny G was the entertainment.

But it was the most amazing,

like, type of performance

I'd ever seen in my life.

It wasn't like,

"Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny G,"

and he came down the stairs.

Fadoodle doodle do

He didn't do that.

He was just walking around

the party fadoodling.

Like...

Fadoodle doodle do do do

Fadoodle do

You'd be talking to someone,

and he would be like,

"I think I can hear Kenny...

Oh, Kenny G!"

Fadoodle doodle do do do

He was like Mr. Tumnus with his

little hooves and his flute.

Fadoodle doodle do do do

It was the most amazing style

of performance

I'd ever seen in my life.

It was like he was there,

but he was not there.

Like he was in the room,

but he wasn't in the room.

It was like you had

to believe in him,

or your couldn't see him!

And then I figured out

what the G stands for.

God.

That's right.

His full name is Kenneth God.

That's right. After you die,

that's what you hear.

Fadoodle doodle do do do

For eternity.

See, that's what proves

that all artistic criticism

is subjective

and has no factual value,

because for people who love

Kenny G, that'd be Heaven.

For people who hate Kenny G,

it'd be hell.

You know, for example,

if I die and I hear...

Fadoodle doodle do

I'll be like, "Oh, sh*t.

I totally misread that."

But people who love Kenny G,

they'd be like...

Fadoodle doodle do do do

"Oh, it's all been worth it."

Fadoodle do

"And the biscuit

does turn into Jesus?"

Fadoodle doodle do

Some people love...

You know who loves Kenny G...

I was like, "That's weird."

And then,

"No, it kind of makes sense."

Is Bill Clinton loves Kenny G.

But...No, he does, but it makes

sense, 'cause you think,

well, Bill Clinton's

a saxophone player

and Kenny G's a saxophone

player, and then, of course,

the seductive properties

of the saxophone.

You know, like...

Fadoodle do

Fadoodle doodle do

Fadoodle, mm, uh

"Baby, I can play your cooter

like Kenny plays the tooter.

Mm-hmm."

Fadoodle, mm, uh

Fadoodle, mm

I fully understand that 50%

of the men in this room

have no f***ing idea

what I'm doing right now.

Like, "What the hell is he doing

that fadoodling?

That some kind of European sh*t?

What is that?

Fadoodle doodling."

Of course, the real tragedy is

about 10% of the women

have no idea

what I'm doing either.

"What is he doing?

"Why do I like that so much?

I just sh*t myself."

No, anyway, what I'm saying is

Kenny G's performance...

Made myself laugh.

That's good.

Kenny G's performance

was amazing.

It was like he was there,

but he was not there.

I'd never seen

anything like it.

I think Kenny G

could have sex with you

and you wouldn't even know.

Am I moving too fast

for you, son?

I'm one guy.

Oh, Jesus,

it's a middle-aged white guy

moving slowly

from side to side.

You would be the worst

prisoner of war guard ever.

Vhere did zey go?

I don't know.

Zey were moving.

What I'm saying is Kenny G

could have sex with you

and you wouldn't even know

Kenny G.

He's that good.

You're just standing and talking

to someone at the party,

like, "Mm-hmm, yes."

Then it's like...

"I think I've just been surprise

finger-banged."

And you turn around,

and Kenny'd be walking away.

Fadoodle doodle do do do

Fadoodle do-do-do

Oh, is that the edge? Have we

found the edge, New York?

No, Craig! No, please!

Don't pretend to smell

a pretend smell off your finger!

Melon.

Anyway, much as I hate the music

of Kenny G, and I do,

I much prefer it to the sh*t

that kids are listening to now,

all that kind of...

Whoa oh oh

Ooh ahh ahh

The lights...

There's lights

Lights

The lights

Yeah

What the f*** is that?

That's not music.

That's just a noise.

And then this, the dancing,

the...

Ah ah-ah ah ah-ah ah-ah

ah-ah-ah

The twerking, the...

Ah ah-ah-ah

That's not a dance.

That's not erotic.

That's like when the dog

has worms,

and he's trying to wipe his ass

on the carpet.

Ah ah-ah-ah

What's wrong with Miley?

The poor kid's got worms,

wiping her ass on the carpet.

I don't like the way

the dog holds eye contact

when he's doing that.

Ah. Oh.

Yeah, rou rike rat,

don't you?

Now, look, I am fully aware

that attacking the music

of young people

makes me an old geezer.

And it's true.

I f***ing am.

I'm 52 years old. 52.

Stop! Don't. Don't. Do not.

That is very rude.

When somebody says their age,

you go, "Oh, 52, still alive.

"Look at you walking around.

Did he sh*t his pants?"

Only a little bit.

I'm a member of the AARP.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be.

They just make you a member.

You turn 50, you are in.

I'm like, "No, no, thanks.

I don't want to be."

They're like, "Yeah, you're in.

Come on. Come on."

Actually, it starts

when you're 491/2.

You come out in the mornings,

and you see on your driveway

little tennis ball marks.

They've been there

during the night.

Soon.

One of us.

One of us.

Nothing against the AARP.

They're a fine organization.

They do a lot of good work

for charity.

I just don't want to be

in your club.

I don't want to be

in anybody's club.

I particularly don't want to be

in your club

when the only requirement

for membership

is starting to look

like your own scrotum.

Did you ever see me

in that late-night show and go,

"I wonder what his balls

look like"?

This.

Maybe a bit down on that side,

but for the most part...

It's true.

For my next

driver's license photograph,

I can just stick a camera down

my pants,

photograph my scrotum,

and put it on the license.

And then when the cops pull me

over, they'll be like,

"Hey, wait a minute. This was

taken a while ago, wasn't it?"

I look at myself in the mirror

sometimes, I'm like,

"Why are my balls wearing a tie?

Oh, no."

I have to shave

like I shave down there now...

very carefully.

I have to spread the skin

and go like that

and spread the skin

and go like that.

Do not judge me!

I have to shave there

because of all the gray hair.

If I don't, it looks like

two prunes lost in the fog.

Actually, maybe not.

Maybe it looks like one little

prune is lost,

and a big prune is helping him

through the fog.

I'm scared, mister.

I'll get you there, son.

Don't worry.

Anyway, I've thought of a way

of combating the aging process.

It's a fantastic idea.

I'm surprised no one's thought

of it before.

I'm gonna get a great deal

of plastic surgery.

No!

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I'm gonna get it.

People usually get very angry.

"No! We don't really mean it.

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