Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #4

---

We think you should."

People usually get very angry

when you say you're gonna get

plastic surgery.

They're like,

"Oh, come on, Craig.

"How can you be so vain?

How can you be so vain

to get plastic surgery?"

I'm like, "I'm not vain.

I just want to look good."

You don't go up to somebody

who's had a haircut and go,

"How can you get your hair cut?

You're so vain.

"Did you buy new pants?

You are so vain.

I can't believe you."

Actually, that's not true.

I get a bit of that

when I go back to Scotland.

They're like, "Oh, aye,

here he comes now...

Mr. 36 Teeth."

Everybody wants to look good.

The only people that genuinely

don't give a sh*t

about how they look

are, paradoxically, nudists.

Which is weird, but they don't.

They're like, "Ah, f*** it,

let's play volleyball.

"Ha ha! Yeah!

Come on, let's grill

some sausages."

I went to a nude beach once

in Portugal. It was fan...

Well, I went...

I was 23 years old.

I was on vacation in Portugal,

and I saw this sign

for a nude beach

that said "nude beach"

in Portuguese,

but I read Portuguese, so...

Yay!

Thanks.

Thanks, gullible stoner

in the second row.

Yeah, I'm high,

and I'm also Portuguese.

Really?

Well, you'll know what

the sign said, then.

It said, "nudo beacho."

Are you also a nudist?

- No.

- Oh, okay.

'Cause I just like the idea

of you sitting there

as a Portuguese nudist,

and I said,

"Everybody's gonna be offended."

And you thought to yourself,

"Not me, my friend."

Anyway, I went

to this nude beach,

'cause I thought

it'd be fantastic.

I thought, well, it'll be full

of beautiful, young Portuguese

and Spanish and French women

all saying,

"Craig, help us

put suntan lotion on.

Use your thumb, Craig.

Do anything."

But there are no beautiful,

young people

on the naked beaches of Europe.

Save your vacation dollar.

There's only Germans...

Overweight Germans

of indeterminate gender.

You can't tell...Even when

the volleyball starts,

you're like, "Oh, oh, nope.

Could go either way.

I don't know."

Germans walking up and down...

"Mm, I love to feel the sun

on my pleasure organs."

"Oh, look, a shell."

There's your first-row

ticket price right there, lady.

You know, people say to me,

"Craig, why do you always use

a German accent

to imply sexual perversion?"

Well, there's

two reasons, really.

One, come on, and...

Nah, it's a ridiculous

stereotype.

I know it is, but it's just

because of something

that happened to me

at a pivotal age.

I was, like...

Actually, it's a New York story.

It's the first time...

I met a German person

the first time I came

to New York as an adult.

It was 1983,

and it was the first time

I had come here unsupervised.

1983, a flight from Glasgow

to Newark, New Jersey.

And there I took a bus.

I didn't have much money.

Took a bus from Newark

right into 42nd Street

Port Authority Bus Station.

And I was so excited.

It was fantastic.

It was like,

"Oh, I'm so happy to be in...

" New York

" New York, New York

" Who will be my friend?

This is so exciting "

I had a little sailor outfit

and everything.

Now, this is Manhattan in 1983.

Now it's different.

Now it's like

f***ing Disneyland.

You guys

will all be fine tonight.

You'll be able to get home.

Nobody'll kill ya, maybe, but...

Nobody's looking at any danger

on the way home,

but in 1983, it wasn't like

Disneyland around here.

It was like f***ing

Game of Thrones out there.

It's very different.

Ah!

Ha ha!

It was wild, and I got out...

I was 19. I got out

at Port Authority Bus Station,

I was out, and it was, like,

42nd Street 1983

all the way down one side,

all the way down the other side,

peep shows.

That's all there were,

peep shows.

I didn't know what they were,

'cause we didn't have peep shows

in Scotland.

It's illegal

to even think about peeping.

I didn't know what they were.

I thought they might be

something dirty,

because they had this, you know,

the kind of silhouette

of the lady outside, like that.

I thought, "Ooh,

it's either something dirty,

"or it's where truckers go

to get their mud flaps.

Either way, I'm in."

So I thought,

"I'll go to this peep show."

So I run up

to the first peep show,

and there's a guy sitting

on a stool outside of it.

He's got one arm, and his sleeve

is taped to his jacket.

He's got an eye patch

and a parrot and a hook and...

And he's like, "Ah!"

It was like, "Hey, mister,

I want to go to the peep show."

I had the hat with the little

propeller on it and everything.

Now, let me explain.

If you don't understand

what a peep show is...

Some of you are too young to

understand what a peep show is.

Let me explain.

A peep show...

before the Internet,

people had to forage

for their porn.

Back then, perverts

were hunter-gatherers,

going from place to place.

A peep show...

it was amazing.

You're in this peep show, and

you put a quarter into a slot,

and a little letter box,

a little kind of mail thing,

mailbox thing opened up,

and inside was a room,

and this room was an angry,

middle-aged lady

in her underwear,

smoking a cigarette,

saying, "What the f***

you looking at?"

Then is slipped down again.

It was the most erotic thing

I'd ever seen in my life!

I, like, put all my money in.

Anyway, that's not

the German thing.

What happened was I was...

I was in there,

and I ran out of quarters,

and I thought, "I'm gonna

have to make friends here.

I can't stay here all day,

much as I want to."

So I started to panic,

'cause I thought,

"I don't know how to make

friends in this town."

Then I thought, "Well, do what

you would do in Glasgow.

"Glasgow's a working-class town.

I'm a working-class man.

"What would you do in Glasgow

to meet people?

I'd go to a workingman's bar."

So I looked down 42nd Street

in 1983 for a workingman's bar,

and I see one.

I can tell it's a workingman's

bar, cops are going in there.

Construction workers

are going in there.

Some Native Americans

are going in there.

I didn't even know there were

tribes left in Manhattan.

This is great.

And I went in this bar. It was

very dark, and it was all guys.

I thought,

"Well, where are the women at?"

And then I looked over, and all

the women were over there.

I said, "Good evening, ladies."

They're like...

"Hey, what's up?"

And then...

I was like,

"Oh, it's a gay bar.

"All right, well, okay,

"I'll just finish my drink,

which I'm about to order,

and then I'll leave."

I was wearing my sailor outfit.

I looked great.

I was sitting up at the bar,

and this guy came up to me,

and he said...

"Hello."

I said, "Hello."

He said, "I am German."

I said, "I know.

I can tell from your hat."

'Cause he was wearing,

and I'm not kidding,

a leather hat

with a spike coming out of it.

I was like, "Too soon, girl."

So he said,

"Can I ask you something?"

And I said, "Sure," and then

he said the dirtiest thing

I've ever heard in my life,

before or since.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes