Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #5

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Now, don't get mad at me,

'cause this is what

he actually said, right?

I'm just reporting.

He said...he said, and I quote,

"Can I ask you something?"

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Can I kiss you

where it stinks,

und I don't mean Cleveland."

And I was like...

"What?

Who's Cleveland?"

Anyway, he's a lovely man.

We still keep in touch,

but that's why...

Christmas cards and stuff.

That's why I think

of the German thing.

That's not the point. I was

talking about plastic surgery.

And I'm gonna get a lot of it.

Now, the thing is,

about plastic surgery is,

you have to get good

plastic surgery,

'cause if you get bad

plastic surgery,

you look like the dog with

his head out the car window.

You have to have

good plastic surgery.

Now, I live in Los Angeles,

which has a lot

of plastic surgeons,

but not very many of them

are any good, and these guys...

There's only about four of them,

I think, that are any good.

And they're not just doctors.

They're like sculptors.

They have a style.

They have a look.

So what happens is that people

start looking similar.

People start looking related.

I'm telling you,

you go to Beverly Hills

at any time of the day,

it looks like there's only

four families that live there.

And people start looking related

from different ethnic groups.

They look like they could...

I mean, it's amazing.

I'm like, "Wow."

I've seen this with my own eyes.

Cher and Bruce Jenner

could be sisters.

Anyway, I thought it was just

a Hollywood rumor,

'cause I hear

all these Hollywood rumors,

and they're usually bullshit,

you know.

I mean, 'cause I meet these

people, and I go,

"Oh, that's bullshit."

Like, the rumor that I'd heard

for years...

For years, I'd heard the rumor

about Richard Gere,

the actor, Richard Gere.

Did you ever hear that rumor?

I mean, this predates

the Internet, this rumor.

Yeah, I think it was a German

guy in a bar in New York

told me this.

For years,

this rumor was going around

that apparently,

for sexual pleasure,

Richard Gere put a gerbil

or a hamster in his ass,

you know, for sex...

for his sexual pleasure,

not the...I don't think the

rodent gets anything out of it.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

No.

No, this is the rumor

that apparently

the actor Richard Gere

would put this stuff...

And I never questioned it.

I just went,

"Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, gosh, people are so strange,

aren't they?"

And then I meet the actor

Richard Gere,

and it's in my f***ing head

when I'm shaking the man's hand.

I'm thinking, "I wonder

if he has a rodent...

No! Of course he doesn't have

a rodent in his ass!"

I'm talking to this guy.

I don't even think he has a pet.

At least I didn't see one.

Come to think of it,

I might have heard...

"Help me.

Send cheese."

I'll tell you what does happen

in Hollywood,

if you're there for any length

of time, though.

What happened to me...

a very strange thing,

is that you will eventually

meet someone

who was a hero to you

when you were a child,

and that is very, very strange.

Now, it happened to me

just very early on.

I'd only been there

about 18 months,

and I was working

on The Drew Carey Show.

You guys remember

The Drew Carey Show?

Right.

The Drew Carey Show,

if you remember,

it was basically...

you know, most of the time

it was just Drew

and Kathy Kinney,

the actress who played Mimi,

and they would, you know,

fight each other, and I played

the English boss, Mr. Wick.

And I'd come in and go,

"Carey, you're fired,"

once a week, and then...

then I'd go to my trailer

and play with fruit...

For a week.

So I was bored. They were

nice people, but I was bored.

So what I did in order

to pass the time...

We made The Drew Carey Show on

the Warner Brothers Studio lot,

which is a huge studio lot.

They make everything there.

You know, movies and TV shows,

everything.

So what I did was I started

reading the screenplays,

the scripts to movies that were

in production at the time.

You know, just to pass the time.

This is about 18 years ago.

And it was a very interesting

point, I read a screenplay

to a movie called Twister.

You guys remember

that movie Twister,

about the tornado and the cows,

like, "Ooh, tornado"?

Well, it was very interesting

'cause the script was rubbish,

but the movie was sh*t.

So I thought, "Well, that's what

I'll do to pass the time.

"I'll write screenplays.

"I don't know if I can write

any better than this

"but it's

scientifically impossible

to write anything worse."

So I wrote some screenplays,

and they did okay,

and we made them into movies,

and one of the movies

did really well,

And this is where

you meet your hero thing.

There was a movie I did called

Saving Grace,

and it did very well.

Good movie, did well, we won

the Sundance Film Festival.

It made a little money.

And after it had been in

the theaters for about a month,

I got a phone call from a lovely

upper-class Englishwoman,

who said,

"Hello, my name's Victoria."

And I was like, ooh, half chub.

I've always had a thing

for upper-class Englishwomen

They really do it for me.

I always enjoy doing to them

what their ancestors did

to my ancestors...

but with more kissing.

So this lovely woman said,

"Hello, my name's Victoria.

I loved your film

Saving Grace."

It was like,

"Thank you very much."

She said, "Yes, I run

Mick Jagger's film company."

Mick Jagger!

Yes, it's true.

Mick Jagger,

my hero when I was a kid.

I had an 8-foot poster of

Mick Jagger on my bedroom wall

for years, you know, the one

where he's like...

Mick Jagger!

It was like, "What?"

She said,

"Yes, Mick loved your film too."

I was like, "Oh, that's great."

She went, "Yes.

"Actually, Mick's had an idea

for a movie,

"and he thinks you might be

the right person

"to write the screenplay.

He was wondering,

may he call you?"

I said...

"Yes.

Yes, he may call me."

So...

This is all true, I swear.

So we set the time up,

and a couple days later,

I'm waiting by the phone.

I'm nervous, and I'm kind of...

And Mick Jagger

called me himself.

And that's not easy for him

to do with the little hands,

but he did it.

And I tried to break the ice

with a joke.

It was a stupid thing to say,

but I said,

"Hello, Mick. Victoria tells me

you're a singer."

And he kind of went...

I was like,

"Oh, I'm blowing it already."

And then he said,

"All right, well, I've had

an idea for a film."

I was like, "Oh, what?"

And he went, "Well, here's

my idea, all right?"

I was like, "Okay."

"Right."

I think he was doing that.

I could sort of hear it.

He went, "Yeah, I've got an idea

for a film, here it is.

"What it is,

is it's about a rock star

"and a roadie.

"And what happens is,

for some reason,

"they have to swap places,

and then they have

an adventure."

I was like, "Go on."

And he did. He went on,

and he described the story,

which as I was listening to it,

I realized that

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