Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #6

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he was saying beat for beat,

almost word for word,

the story

of The Prince and the Pauper,

written by Mark Twain

about 150 years previously.

What the f*** am I gonna say?

It's Mick Jagger,

my childhood hero.

What am I gonna say?

Look, if Sean Connery

calls me up and says,

"Craig, I've got an idea

for a film.

"It's called Treasure Island.

"It's about a pirate called

Long Sean Connery.

He's got a parrot and sh*t."

I'd be like,

"Great idea, Sean Connery.

How did you come up with that?"

"Well, I was just watching

a movie, and it came to me."

Anyway, so Mick Jagger...

This is true.

Mick Jagger's talking

about his movie idea,

and I pitch

a couple of ideas in.

And he says...I'm not kidding.

This really happened.

He goes, "Actually, I think you

are the right person

"to write the screenplay.

"Can you meet me next Wednesday

and we'll get started?

"You know, we'll spitball

and get ideas going and stuff

and get going."

I was like, "Yes."

He went, "All right.

Victoria will set it up,"

and he hangs up.

Now, this is about 17 years ago.

It's not easy for him

to do that either.

And it's about 17 years ago,

and The Rolling Stones

at the time are on

the Bridges to Babylon tour.

It's a big, giant world tour.

They're going all over

the place, and I find out,

next Wednesday they're gonna be

in Istanbul, Turkey.

I can't go

to Istanbul, Turkey.

I've got to walk onstage

in Burbank

and say, "Carey, you're fired,"

and then go f*** a melon.

I've got a job!

But I go to see Drew, because

Drew Carey was my boss then.

He's my friend now.

We've been friends for 20 years.

He's a beautiful human being.

I love Drew

very, very much indeed.

To be honest, I preferred it

when he was fat and unhappy,

but what are you gonna do?

So...

anyway, I go and see Drew,

and Drew's great.

And I tell him

about Mick Jagger,

and he's like, "F***, are you

kidding me, man?

"Take the week off.

Go to Istanbul, Turkey.

Meet Mick Jagger."

I'm like, "Right, buddy,

I will."

And just as I'm leaving...and you

can check on the Internet

to prove it's true...

Joe Walsh,

the guitarist with The Eagles,

was doing some comedy bits

on The Drew Carey Show

at the time.

And Joe Walsh

is an amazing rock star.

He's a fantastic guitarist.

Hotel California

He's an amazing guy, charming

gentleman, lovely person,

but he had a very big 1980s.

And the whole period has left

him a little bit

"Jim from Taxi."

So Joe hears

that I'm gonna meet Mick Jagger,

and he says,

"Say hi to Mick for me."

I said, "Do you know him?"

He said, "I think so."

I was like, "You think so?"

He said, "I think I partied

with him in the '80s,

but I may just have

seen him on TV."

I was like,

"All right, whatever."

So I head off

to Istanbul, Turkey.

It's a very long way

from Los Angeles, Istanbul.

First, a 12-hour flight

to London,

and I'm sitting in coach...

it was a long flight.

It was bumpy,

and the kid's behind me, "Aah."

And I was all tweaked

and nervous.

The it's a 4-hour layover

in Heathrow in London.

Very difficult

to change planes in London

because the English

are f***ing bastards!

And then I get

on a smaller plane,

a smaller plane

to go to Istanbul.

It's another four hours.

And the kid's behind me,

and it's turbulent,

and the chickens are falling

out of the overhead luggage.

Then I get to...

I haven't slept in 24 hours.

I'm tweaked, and I'm nervous,

and I'm all kind of...

And I get to Istanbul at night,

and I come out of the airport,

and it's unbelievable,

it's amazing.

The minarets and the towers

and the...

'Cause The Lion King was

in Istanbul at the time.

And I jump in a cab,

and the taxi driver says,

"Where do you want to go?"

Because Dracula

was driving a cab!

I want to take you

to your destination.

And I said, "Take me to"...

The Rolling Stones were staying,

and I'm not kidding...

They were staying

at the Istanbul Hilton.

The good one,

not the one by the airport.

So...

This is all true.

So I get

to the Istanbul Hilton.

I tipped Dracula.

He's like, "Thank you."

And then I go into the reception

of the hotel,

and Big Jim Sullivan, head

of Rolling Stones' security

at the time,

lovely, big cockney gent,

he's like, "You the bloke

who's here to see Mick?"

I went, "Yeah." He went,

"Yeah, he's waiting for you.

"He's in the penthouse suite.

Go into the elevator,

press PH, and it'll take you

up to the penthouse suite."

I was like,

"All right, all right."

So I get in the elevator, and

I press PH, and the doors close.

And I'm like,

Fadoodle doodle do do do

Fadoodle doodle do

Fadoodle do

And the doors open,

and I'm on the penthouse floor,

and I knock on the door

to the penthouse suite,

and the door is answered

by Mick Jagger himself.

And that's not easy for him

to do with the little hands,

but he did it.

And my world

went into freefall.

I was like, "Wha... Wha..."

Because in my bedroom

and in my mind,

the guy's 8 foot tall.

He's a huge giant...

8 foot, ah, like that.

I never questioned it.

I never thought...

I thought he would be

at least this height.

He's not.

He's a tiny, little man. Tiny!

So I was like, "Aah!"

I was like, "Don't say anything!

Don't say anything!

"Don't say anything!

Don't say anything!

Don't say anything!

Don't say anything!"

And then I said something.

I shouldn't have said it.

I couldn't help myself.

I couldn't help myself.

I said it.

I wish I hadn't said it.

But I said,

"Oh, you're adorable."

And he went, "Yeah, come in.

Come on."

So I go into the penthouse suite

of the Istanbul Hilton...

I swear this is true...and

I start talking to Mick Jagger

about the movie

we're gonna make together.

I'm thinking,

"This is really happening.

I didn't take acid.

It's really happening."

And we talked

for a little while,

and then it got

a little awkward,

because he said, "Actually,

I'm a little bit hungry.

Are you hungry, Craig?"

I was like,

"Yes, I am hungry, Mick Jagger."

He was like, "All right,

I'll call room service,

which is not easy for me to do

with my little hands."

I'm such a dick.

I'm sorry.

So, you know,

he calls room service.

Now, the room service guy's

got the little panel

in front of him,

and the room service guy

knows who it is calling.

I can hear him freaking out.

He's like...

"Oh, my God, I am so totally

freaking out right now."

Now, to be fair,

he was an Indian guy

that had moved to Istanbul

with his boyfriend, Dracula,

and they were trying

to make their way...

Look, it's a different story

for a different night.

So Mick's on the phone,

and it got really awkward,

'cause he's looking at the room

service menu, and he said,

"Yeah, I'd like to order a"...

This is what he said.

He said, "I'd like to order

a quesa-dilla, please."

And I was like, "Ah..."

"Would you like

a quesa-dilla, Craig?"

I was like, "Quesa-dilla sounds

lovely, Mick, thank you."

"All right, two quesa-dillas

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