Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #7

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and a chocolate Yoo-hoo?

"Two chocolate Yoo-hoos

and a Butterfinger?

Oh, just one Butterfinger.

All right, we can share."

And he hung up,

which is not easy.

And then 20 minutes later,

the entire staff of the hotel

and Dracula

came in

with the room-service order.

They laid it out,

and Mick was very nice.

He did the photographs

and the autographs with them

and all that,

and they went away,

and then I had my quesa-dilla,

'cause that's

what I call them now.

I had my...

Mick had his.

Like that. Like something

out of Richard Gere's ass!

No, that's too much.

It wasn't like that at all.

I'm sorry I said that.

That's too...Forget that.

We'll cut that out.

So...

So, anyway, we're having

our quesa-dillas,

and then we continue to talk

about the idea that Mick had

that Mark Twain had

150 years before him.

And then...

and this really happened.

After a few hours, he goes,

"Oh, we'll have to stop now."

And I was like, "All right."

And he went, "No, it's just that

I have to go to a party."

I was like, "Okay."

And then he said,

"Do you want to come?"

And I said, "Yes, Mick Jagger of

The f***ing Rolling Stones"...

"I will go

to a party with you."

He went,

"All right, then, come on!"

So we get in his car,

and we drive to the party,

Well, someone drives us.

Mick can't drive, you know,

with the little hands.

So we get to the party.

And the party is being held at,

I'm not kidding,

the British Consulate

in Istanbul,

The British Embassy

in Istanbul,

and they're throwing a reception

for The Rolling Stones,

'cause they're proud of them.

And the British Embassy,

of course,

is guarded by the British Army.

And the British Army is the same

as any other army in the world.

The U.S. Army, French, German,

every army in the world

shares one rule,

which is nobody f***ing tells

anybody anything ever,

particularly if it would avoid

embarrassment.

So the soldiers have been told

that someone famous

is coming to a party.

They have not been told

who it is.

So we get to the party,

and I get out of the car first.

And the first person to see us

is a big staff sergeant

from Glasgow in Scotland,

and he recognizes me

from local television.

Swear to God.

And he says...he says,

"Bloody hell. Craig Ferguson,

what are you doing here?"

And Mick Jagger is standing

right f***ing there.

And here's the thing...

Mick did not handle it well.

He was like, "What's going on?

That is so rude."

And I can understand.

I mean, he's not used

to that kind of thing.

He's always the most famous guy

in the room, always.

If Mick Jagger walks into a bar

with the Pope,

the bartender would be like,

"Hello, Mick.

Who's your friend

with the big hat?"

He's always the most famous guy.

That band became famous in 1962,

the year I was born,

when dinosaurs ruled the Earth!

Actually, that's probably

where he got that, "Ahh."

So he was really mad.

He was like, "That is so rude.

I'm so annoyed."

I was like, "Let it go, man."

He was like,

"I will not let it go."

"I will not let it go."

He started Riverdancing.

"I will not let it go."

98% of this story is true.

No, he wouldn't let it go.

He was really annoyed.

And then I said something

I really shouldn't have said.

I was like,

"Oh, let it go, man."

He was like,

"No, I will not let it go."

I was like, "Stop being

such a f***ing queen."

Anyway, we didn't make

the movie.

But that's not...I'm kind of

painting it like he's a dick.

And he's not a dick. He's fine.

He's all right.

We actually tried to make

the movie for a while.

We tried for about a year.

I was, you know,

working in Burbank,

and then I was on tour

with The Rolling Stones.

It was very strange.

And, you know, I would write

pages of the script,

and I'd give 'em to Mick,

and he would read them,

and he would always

give me them back,

and he would always have

the same note,

which is,

"Can it be darker?

It has to be darker, you know,

more edgy, dark, more edgy."

And I'd try and make it darker

and more edgy

and give it back to him,

and he'd go,

"No, darker, more edgy."

I'm like, "How dark and edgy

can it be, man?

It's the f***ing

Prince and the Pauper."

He was like,

"No, darker, more edgy.

And I'm typing,

and darker, more edgy.

Eventually I went

to the Mark Twain story,

just started typing

the f***er out, you know.

This guy's a better writer

than anyone else, anyway.

Let's do this.

But he kept saying it...

"Darker, more edgy.

Darker, more edgy."

So eventually I went too far.

I made his character a serial

killer with Tourette's syndrome.

And he fired me.

But even as he's firing me,

I'm thinking,

"Getting fired

by Mick Jagger...

I'm on my way."

But here's the thing.

Because I was with them

for about a year,

I got to know how that band

works pretty well,

and I was surprised by what

I found out, 'cause I was...

Like everybody else, I think,

I thought The Rolling Stones

was, you know,

it was Mick Jagger

and Keith Richards' band,

or maybe it was Mick Jagger's

band, but it's not.

It's Keith Richards' band.

Keith Richards runs that sh*t.

Mick Jagger is the singer

in Keith Richards' band.

People think Keith Richards

is some out-of-control junkie.

And there's an element of truth

to that, but...

But he's tough, Keith Richards,

as well.

He's a very tough guy.

He's south London.

He's like, "What the f***?

I'll f*** you up, all right?"

"F*** you, man."

He's f***ing tough.

He's like Jason Statham

in drag or something.

He's like, "F***ing..."

He's tough,

and people are scared of him.

And and he runs that outfit.

You can check. This is true.

This happened when I was there.

Keith Richards put Ronnie Wood

into rehab.

He made Ronnie go into rehab.

How bad

is your problem, though,

if you have to walk

into a rehab center and say,

"Keith Richards thinks

I might be an alcoholic."

Keith Richards said this?

"Yeah, he also thinks

I do too much heroin."

Keith Richards said this?

Quick, get in here, man.

But they're frightened of him.

Everyone's frightened of Keith

'cause he's so tough.

And I found this out,

'cause I was asking Mick...

What I wanted to do when I was

writing this screenplay

is I wanted to get on the stage

with The Rolling Stones

one night.

I was just gonna stand

next to Charlie's drum riser

and watch the audience.

I thought I could write it in

if I could see it.

And Mick was like, "Uh, no.

No, you can't go on the stage."

I was like, "Why not?"

He was like, "Keith don't like

people on the stage,

and I'm afraid of him."

I was like, "What?"

He went,

"Yeah, he could hurt me.

"He's very strong.

And I'm afraid of him."

I was like, "Oh, okay."

So I started asking the roadies

if they could sneak me onstage,

and all the roadies are like,

"No, we can't sneak you

on the stage. No, sorry, mate.

"Sorry, governor. No,

Mary Poppins, we couldn't do it.

"No, we can't get you

on the stage.

"No, we couldn't do it, sir,

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