Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #8

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because Keith would hurt us.

"He's very strong, you see, sir,

very strong.

"No, Oliver,

you can't have any more!

No! He's very, very strong.

He would kill us."

Everyone who works

for The Rolling Stones

used to be

in Monty Python, so...

But eventually one night

I made it happen.

We were in a beautiful town

in northern Spain,

a town called

Santiago del Compostela...

beautiful town,

and what I did

was I bribed the local Spanish

security guards

to let me get on the stage.

And I was up

next to Charlie's drum riser

looking at the 60,000 Spanish

rock fans.

It was amazing.

They're like...

Which is how Spanish people

express gratitude.

They go, "Ahh,"

which can be

a bit disconcerting

if you hold a door open

for someone in Madrid,

and they go, "Ahh."

Am I right, guy from Portugal?

Yeah!

You know, he's right

about, "Ahh."

So I was

next to Charlie's drum riser,

and Charlie doesn't know

I'm there.

To be honest, Charlie

doesn't really know he's there.

Charlie had a big 1980s

as well

and '60s and '70s and '90s

and kind of now.

So Charlie's doing his thing

that he always does.

He's like...

Gas, gas, gas

He's doing his thing,

and Mick is down in the front.

He's going...

And Keith's where he always is.

Keith's doing his thing.

He's like...

Ooh, I'll f*** you up

And he's smoking a cigarette,

and the smoke is

coming up like that.

And he's got cigarette on

the machine heads of his guitar

and the smoke's coming up

like that.

He's got a cigarette

coming out of his boot,

and the smoke's coming out

like that.

He's wearing a skull earring

and the skull

is smoking a cigarette.

Smoke is all around him.

He looks like Pigpen.

He's like...

And he's playing away,

and he turns around,

and, boom, he looks right at me

and locks eyes,

and I'm like, "Sh*t.

I'm gonna die."

And he doesn't break

eye contact.

He doesn't stop playing,

but he starts slowly moving

towards me.

And I can hear the roadies

on their headsets going,

"What the f*** is going on?

Keith is moving!

"Keith is moving!

Keith hasn't moved in 40 years!

What the f*** is going on?"

And he's getting closer and

closer, slowly across the stage.

He's like...

He's like a slow comet moving.

And he got right up close to me,

and I thought, "I'm gonna die."

And he got this close, and this

is exactly what happened.

He went, "Hello, mate."

So I went back in time

to my bedroom in Scotland

when I was a little boy,

I took down the poster

of Mick Jagger.

I put up the poster

of Keith Richards,

and I went, "That's the f***ing

rock star in that band."

It changed my Weltanschauung.

Anyway, the thing that's

freaking me out about all this...

Now, 'cause you really know

it's Keith's band.

I mean, I traveled around

in their jet.

They have a jet, but it's...

Of course they have a jet,

but it's not like

a little private jet.

They rent a 757

from the airlines.

And you can tell

it's Keith's band,

because Keith and all

his friends sit in first class,

and Mick has to sit in coach.

And I know that's true, 'cause

I was sitting next to him.

And he likes to pretend

it's his idea.

He's like, "Yeah, I like sitting

here because I can reach

"the table and the seat-back

in front of me...

"And enjoy..."

"Well, these are

very good sizes,

"these bottles, aren't they?

"This is a proper size. I don't

like these big, giant bottles.

"They frighten me, but these

bottles are just perfect

for my little hands

and my tiny, little mouth."

What's freaking me out is,

I thought,

"God, these guys are so old."

But now I am almost the age

that they were when I met them.

I'm like,

"What the f*** happened?"

One minute it's...

F*** the queen,

f*** you to the queen

Next minute, some guy has

a finger in your ass.

A doctor. A doctor

has his finger in your ass.

I like my doctor.

He's a very good doctor.

He's only got one flaw,

in that he thinks he's funny,

which is not great.

I enjoy a joke

as much as anyone,

but there are times in life

when I believe levity

is inappropriate.

And I believe the prostate exam

is one of those times.

'Cause he's got a joke that he

likes to do when he's doing it.

I'm like, "Don't do that joke.

It's a horrible joke."

He's like,

"No, it's a great joke.

Everybody loves that joke." I'm

like, "Nobody likes the joke.

They put up with it

because you're a great doctor."

He's like, "Come on!"

This is his joke.

He gives you the prostate exam,

and he says,

"Say my name, b*tch."

I'm like,

"It's not funny, man."

I don't think that's funny.

And I said to him last time

I got the exam, I was like,

"Don't say it, all right?

It kind of freaks me out."

He's like, "Okay,

I don't need to say it."

But I think

he does need to say it.

I think

it's a kind of OCD thing,

'cause he gave me the exam,

and he went...

"Say my name, b*tch."

I'm like, "You know what?

It's worse if you whisper it!"

Anyway, it's not the prostate

exam that makes you old.

It's your attitude to it.

This is what I mean.

Like, the last time

I got the prostate exam,

he finished, and he said,

"Actually, I have to say, Craig,

for a man your age, you have

a very smooth prostate."

And this is how I know I'm old,

because I was proud.

I was, like, going up to girls

in the supermarket,

"Hey."

"I've got a smooth prostate.

Want to touch it?"

I do have a very smooth

prostate, though.

It's true, you part my butt

cheeks, you'll hear Kenny G.

Fadoodle doodle do

No, when you turn 50, it's not

a finger anymore, it's a camera.

They put a camera in your ass.

I think the older you get,

the more things

the medical profession feels

they have to shove

into your ass.

Like, when you get to about 80,

they're like,

"We're just gonna drive up

in a little minivan,

"take a look around.

"Don't worry.

It'll be perfectly painless.

"It's gonna be midgets,

midgets will be inside the van,

"and they're gonna look around

with binoculars,

tiny, little binoculars."

No, they put a camera

in your ass.

I mean, it's a tiny, little

fiber-optic thing.

It's not like the old days,

you know, with the...

Look out, Hitler,

bad news coming your way.

No, it's a tiny, tiny,

little camera.

Tiny, little camera.

But it's kind of like...

It's not the camera

so much as the night before,

because in order for them

to look around your colon,

they have

to clean it out first.

So they give you what they call

the super laxative, right?

Yeah. It's not that super.

This is

a prescription laxative.

You can't just go

and buy this laxative.

You need a...And it's not just

a regular prescription either.

It's a prescription written

on a parchment by a monk.

It's written

with a big, feathery pen.

And then he writes it,

and then the prescription

is delivered to the pharmacy

by owl.

And then the pharmacist puts on

the big leather gloves

and goes to the back and opens

the giant circular door

and the dry ice goes like that,

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