Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #9

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and they take out

the super laxative

and they bring it towards you.

I was sitting with this laxative

on the kitchen table,

and my wife and kids

are watching me, going,

"Go on, then."

"When's daddy gonna 'splode'?"

And I took this thing,

and after about 45 minutes,

I was like, "Oh, sh*t!

"F***.

"F***, f***, f***, f***,

f***, f***, f..."

"F***."

And then it stopped,

and I thought,

"Well, that wasn't so bad.

It was bad,

but it wasn't that bad."

Then at one hour, 15,

I was like...

"Aah!"

It was like the f***ing Matrix.

I was like...

Ba-boom.

No!

It was like a mattress sale...

Everything must go!

Aah! Aah!

There was haggis in there

from 1974!

Aah!

And then everything went white,

and I saw the spirit of the

great buffalo coming toward me.

Then I was back in it again.

Aah!

And then it was over,

and I felt so clean.

I felt holy!

And I knew then that the biscuit

does turn into Jesus!

And then I went to the doctor

the next day,

and they put a camera

in your bumby, but it's not...

It's an amazing piece

of equipment.

It's not just a camera.

It's a little thing.

They move it around,

and in order for it

to move around your bumby,

you know, they have

to puff up your colon

with a little air,

so it's goes...

And they move it, and it goes...

They move it...

Depending on the shape

of your colon, you know.

I mean, it could be...

But the thing is,

when they're finished

and they take the camera out,

there's a great deal of air left

in your colon.

And it's gonna come out,

and there's only one exit.

But here's the thing,

it's so clean in there,

you pass gas,

it smells sensational.

I mean, it's like a rich lady

walked into the room.

It was like...

Oprah? Is Oprah here?

And then because there's

a history of some cancers

in my family, they had

to actually knock me out

and give me

the throat camera first

and then the bumby camera.

I f***ing hope they did

the throat camera first.

Nah, I think, legally,

they have to give you

the throat camera first.

Otherwise you'd be like...

"I taste Oprah."

No, here, look, that's...

But the thing is, because they

gave me this thing...

I don't want

to, you know, upset anyone,

and I don't want to

surprise you,

but I took a lot of drugs

in my life.

But until this point,

I had never taken legal drugs.

I'd always had

illegal street drugs.

Legal drugs are so much better.

Like, it's not even

the same game.

They're f***ing unbelievable.

Respect, seniors.

It's unbelievable.

They're much better.

They gave me a drug called

propofol.

It's an amazing drug.

It was the drug that killed

poor Michael Jackson.

God rest him.

He got addicted to it.

And, you know, I can understand.

I can see how that would happen.

I mean, I had it once, once,

and I was like...

He he

And coming off...When you come

off a street drug, you know,

it's kind of like being

Daffy Duck in the cartoons.

You're like...

So scratchy, so scratchy.

Like something out

of Richard Gere's...Never mind.

Look, it's...

But coming off a legal drug

is like,

"Hey...

how are you?"

I was so high.

I was in this little post-op

room, and I was in there,

and I remember saying this.

My wife came in,

and I remember saying...

I was just so high, I said,

"Hey, baby.

It's the summer of love."

And my wife's

from a Scottish family,

so she said

what a Scottish woman says

when you tell her

it's the summer of love.

She said, "Oh, is it?"

"Will he need

a footbag, Doctor?"

I was like, "Oh, I feel so...

"You smell that, baby?

"Isn't that beautiful?

That's the way it's gonna be

from now on."

"You're gonna beg me

for a Dutch oven now, baby."

And when you are that high,

like, so high, they come in

and show you a movie

of the inside of your ass,

which is the perfect time

to see a movie

of the inside of your ass.

I was like, "Oh, yes!"

And because I got mine done

in Hollywood,

it was, you know,

letterbox format,

score by Danny Elfman,

surprise cameo

by Gwyneth Paltrow.

I was like, "Oh!

"We should totally play

Dark Side of the Moon

"while we're watching this.

It would sync up, man.

It would sync up."

In through your ass

It's a gas

Ha ha!

Ooh, f***,

I never told you the joke.

All right, here's the joke.

The best joke in the world,

apparently.

I don't know. I don't think

it's that good a joke.

You'll decide.

I don't think it's that great.

It's a joke which takes place

on a golf course.

I've recently

started playing golf,

which is unusual

for a 52-year-old Scotsman.

Usually, they start earlier,

but it's how I rebelled

when I was a kid.

They were all playing golf

all the time.

This is how they play it

in Scotland.

They played golf all the time,

at home, at work,

during sex.

There's no sex in Scotland.

It's a shame, because Scottish

women are very attractive.

At least I think they are.

I've never seen one

with her coat off.

Nothing here for you, Craig.

Just tweed all the way down.

Tweed and potatoes.

Tweed, potatoes, and a footbag.

I kind of turned myself on

a little bit there.

Anyway, so it takes place

on a golf course.

It's actually Scottish people

in the joke.

Well, look, here's the joke.

It's on the 18th hole

of a golf course.

It's a grudge match

between two guys

who just hate each other very...

and it's a putt for the game

on the 18th hole,

very tense moment.

And the guy's about to take

the putt, and he looks up,

and he sees a funeral procession

going by.

So he stops what he's doing,

takes off his hat,

and says a prayer

for the dearly departed.

And his opponent says,

"I have to say, that is one

of the most beautiful and

touching things I've ever seen."

And he says, "Well, we were

married 35 years.

I feel it's only right."

And there you are.

That's it.

The best joke in the world.

Thank you so much, New York.

I love you.

I'll see you next time.

I'll bring my sign.

Thanks a lot.

Good night, everybody.

Good one, Daddy!

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