Crash Pad

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1

Bullshit!

No.

Since when?

Since 15 years ago.

Bullshit.

No, it's not.

Where's your ring?

Ha! I know a cracker Jack prize

when I see one.

Where is he, then?

He is in la

with a client right now.

Okay, well, where's your

wedding-type snapshots

and, you know, pretty photos

of you and this husband?

We host a lot of parties here,

and Grady thinks that personal

artifacts are tacky, so that's why...

G... Grady? Yes.

His name is Grady? Come on.

Yes... yes, Stensland,

his name is Grady.

Bullshit! Ha! Nice try.

Jesus, I can't

believe you, Morgan.

Where... where are you going?

To expose the lack of man

clothing in your closet

and prove that

you're bullshitting.

What the f***!

I'm married!

Tell me you don't have kids.

Were they watching us?

No. I don't... Why would I

have my kids watching...

I don't have any kids.

You don't have kids

because he's a violent drunk.

No, we just... He'd beat them.

Each other is all we've ever

really wanted or needed,

so we don't have kids.

"Was." so, you'll be

separated soon, right?

No.

Then what the f*** is this?

You held my hand

in the cab yesterday!

That isn't the action of a woman

just looking for great sex

behind her hubby's back, that's a

woman looking for doctor Zhivago!

This...

He cheated on me, okay?

He cheated on you?

And I held your hand yesterday

because I like you, Stensland.

Aw. You know, I'm still...

I'm still crushable.

"Crushable"?

You can't even say

the word "love," can you?

You know, you can...

You can free the penis now.

I mean, I've seen you naked

for the past two days.

You've been seeing me naked under

sheets and in limited light.

I've got very wide hips

that make my unit

look a lot smaller

than it actually is.

So it's like

an optical illusion?

Yes! I've got b*tch hips.

Leave it be.

Okay, listen.

This was so much fun.

And so, thank you.

But this is the last time that we

will be seeing each other, okay?

Good. I was testing you.

Oh, phew!

What a load off my mind.

Oh, you know, my biggest fear,

since we started

hookin' up, baby,

was that you would think this was

something more than f***ing,

like, god forbid, love.

Love, love, love. Listen, I...

I didn't want to hurt you.

I'm really sorry.

You're sorry?

As for these...

Something tells me they're

due for a dry cleaning.

Oh... what are you doing?

What is wrong with you?

Good day, madam.

Oh. Oh, that was real mature.

What?

"Crushable"?

How dare she?

All right, the usual.

One pink scone,

one strawberry milk.

So $4.53.

You, uh... you doing

all right, Stensland?

Could someone let me

borrow 53 cents?

Sweet Christ, not now.

Woman, I don't know

what you're saying!

No, not a single

decipherable word!

It's the same

puzzling dance every day!

Shut up!

You're not the smartest,

you're not the coolest,

you're not the best-looking,

but god damn it,

you are something.

You've got something

that attracts people.

You've got something

that attracts the ladies.

They don't know what it is,

you don't know what it is,

but it's there, cocooned,

growing and learning.

And one day, you'll bloom

into a big, beautiful condor

that people

will respect and fear.

"I can't believe that used to

be Stensland," they'll say.

"I can't believe

that used to be Stensland."

Hello, old friend.

Go ahead.

Oh, great episode.

Stensland? Oh, you are here.

Hey.

Hey.

Nah, I'm... I'm good.

I thought you said you were going

to stop smoking during the day?

Oh, look, my dead mom's back.

Great.

My god,

what's the matter with you?

Morgan dumped me, okay?

She's married.

Is that the older lady you

met at the furniture store?

Don't make her sound like Jessica Tandy.

She's in her July.

Whatever, man. At least you

got sex without strings.

I want strings.

I want commitment

and mutual adoration.

I want to pass the bong

to someone with b*obs.

I want the danger

of forgetting anniversaries

and the pain of holding in farts

because someone

is sharing my bed.

I want a girlfriend, Lyle.

I know, I know.

I'm sorry to change the subject,

but you noticed

the cardboard boxes, right?

Did you drink and eBay?

No, I started

moving over to Linda's.

Already?

You need to find

another roommate, man.

Is this mine?

I like you.

I like you, too, buddy, just not

as much as Linda. I love her.

All right, well, I'm out of here

a week from tomorrow,

next Monday.

So find another roommate, Stens.

God damn it.

...life imitating

art imitating life?

...and maybe, you know,

it's not part of the plan.

Then again, I never thought that

losing you was part

of the plan, either.

Oh...

I think sometimes you have

to lose somebody completely

before you can figure out

what they really mean to you.

Oh, d-dog,

laying down the truth.

Hi, it's me...

Oh, Jesus!

Morgan, would you please

call me back?

I worry I'm beginning

to look desperate.

Phew! It smells bad in here.

What are you doing?

Oh...

I'm, uh, relaxing.

What about work?

Oh, I'm on leave.

You're not in the Navy.

You work six-hour shifts

at an antique shop.

Why do you need a leave?

My breakup!

For Christ's sake, man.

Was the sex that good?

Good? It was transcendent, Lyle.

My spiritual self

is still making an o-face.

But I'm not mourning the sex.

I'm mourning what

we might have been.

That tiny taste of affection

has made it very evident to me

that something's

missing from my life.

Okay. I'm just surprised the store

gave you this much time off.

Well...

This is more like one of those

self-allotted time-out leaves, you know?

What? Go to work!

Stensland! I'm going to be

totally moved out tomorrow.

You said I had till Monday.

Tomorrow is Monday, man.

Tomorrow's Monday? Tomorrow's Monday.

Come on.

Sh*t. This Chiba is unforgiving.

Ah, Mr. Laframboise.

I was just mulling a froyo break.

You want one?

This is the last check.

You don't showing up one week,

no call, no nothing!

Wait a minute, are we doing a

scene from the pawnbroker?

Mr. Laframboise, are you back

in acting class? That's great.

Get out! Oh, okay, all right.

You're a passionate bear,

you're upset, I get it.

I need to work on my communication

skills, that's clear.

But I'm pretty sure I was

already due a vacation week,

so can we just sit back, relax,

I'll put on some

Jasmine tea, chill out...

Sir? What?

I think this varnish

may have turned,

and I would hate to compromise the

honesty of that Victorian end table.

Sorry, am I interrupting?

Who the f*** is this?

New stensland.

There's no other stensland.

How could you say that?

Um, my name is Pierce.

Mr. Laframboise, your

assumption that my absence

is barren of a logical

explanation offends me.

We're closer than this.

No, we're not.

Okay, look,

here's what happened.

I was sideswiped by a nasty

cyclone known as "woman."

Lost aimlessly in her deceit,

and it stung like a biatch.

So, please, just give me

another chance.

F*** you!

Morgan!

Morgan!

Hey! Hey, a**hole!

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