Crash Pad Page #2

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Come back here!

- Morgan!

- You can't go in there.

Morgan!

Stensland.

She remembers my name. Shocker.

I'm calling security.

No, no. No, it's okay.

No, it's okay. We're okay.

You know this guy?

Yeah, no, no. I'll handle it.

It's okay.

Moneypenny, could you order us

up some sandwiches and lemonade?

This'll take a while.

- No, it won't.

- Yes, it will.

Thank you, Hannah. Thanks, honey.

I got this.

Yeah, no, no, this is,

um... stensland.

It's not a thing at all.

It's just a, um...

Okay. Thanks, honey.

What do you want?

"What do you want?"

We made love a week ago.

I'm no dildo you wipe off

and put back in the drawer.

Why haven't you called me back?

Because that was it.

It was a one-time thing.

I don't care

if you're married, Morgan.

I still love you. You love

me, it's just... What?

What does that even mean?

It means let's keep on

keepin' on.

Let's ride this

naughty little secret.

No.

Why? Isn't he cheating

on you, too?

I don't know.

Oh...

Now you don't know!

Is that him?

Yes.

He has a moustache?

Yes.

I want $15,000,

or I'm gonna tell him.

Mmm?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, you're... You're

gonna have to repeat that.

What?

I demand you pay me $15,000,

or I'm gonna find Grady

and tell him everything.

What the hell

are you doing, Stens?

"Stens," she says! Using the

abridged pet name to disarm me.

You're scared. Really?

Grady's a criminal

defense lawyer.

I doubt he will believe

that I slept with you.

Okay?

Oh, he'll believe me, all right.

Why? Did you

record us or something?

No, but I have

evidence of passion.

Remember this?

"Kiss me between my shoulder

blades, stensland."

And remember this?

"Rub my ass like this when you're

going down on me, stensland."

And what about this?

Will this be evidence enough

when I explain to Grady

in graphic, carnal detail

that shaky little twitch

dance you do when you come?

How does the chirp go?

You don't get it, do you?

What?

I already told him.

Bullshit.

No, I did.

You see, I was...

I was looking for someone

to have an affair with,

so I could throw it in his face

to show him that I'm not just

gonna sit here and smile

while he tunes out our marriage

and does god knows

what he's doing out there.

Mm-hmm, and, uh,

what did he say?

He said a lot of stuff

that's none of your business.

But we're gonna work it out.

You're going to work it out?

Yeah.

Kid, I hate to crush

your spirit here,

but you're forcing me to.

You're my pawn.

You're like my

little revenge marionette.

You haven't told him

diddly squat, have you?

Stensland holds all the cards.

15 grand, sweetheart,

or me and Grady are going to

sit down and talk Turkey.

Good day, madam.

Oh, look!

Uh-oh. The little pitcher has big ears.

Yenta, yenta.

Who the f*** is that?

Hey. Are you all right?

Yeah, no, I'm good. Um...

How much of that did you hear?

None of it.

Oh, okay.

A little.

Okay, I heard everything.

You slept with that guy?

Oh, Hannah, I was in the

store, and I was depressed,

and I was thinking about, like,

"who the hell is Grady?"

And, "why the hell

am I in the store?"

And then this kid comes up

and starts flirting with me like

I'm Princess grace or something.

Now I have a stalker.

It's like, of course I sleep

with the one guy on the planet

who's pissed off that his one-night

stand isn't just a one-night stand.

Don't sweat it, okay?

You already told Grady, so...

No. You haven't told Grady?

Yeah, you're screwed.

Balls of wonder,

balls of might...

Law offices of Dott and Rosen.

Grady Dott, please.

I'm sorry, he's out of the office.

Would you like his voicemail?

No, no, no, patch me through

to his personal cell.

This is an emergency.

Your name? Stensland.

Please hold. Mmm-hmm.

Mr. stensland,

what's this concerning?

Uh, I f***ed his wife

many times?

Please hold. Uh-huh.

Yeah, no baloney. Come on.

This is Grady Dott.

Mr. Dott, my name is stensland.

I'm a 29-year-old, unemployed

diamond in the rough

with no foreseeable

opportunities for financial

or personal success

until my death.

It's my sad duty to inform you that

I met your wife, Morgan, last week

in soft solutions

fine furnishings,

whereupon she took me back to

your home and made love to me.

At no point over the weekend

did she inform me

that she was maritally

or otherwise spoken for...

Stensland? Yeah?

She told me.

Oh.

Now I'm going to find you,

and I'm going to kill you.

You need to find yourself

a girl your own age.

One who hasn't already been

f***ed up by some other a**hole,

so you can f*** her up your own

damn self, your own damn way.

Ella, Internet dating

has turned you cold.

She's right.

This Morgan's a mess.

Stay sane, stay away.

Spend that love on a woman

who wants it. Amen.

That's right.

Hit me with it straight, Denise.

Coast is clear. No one's

outside your apartment, doll.

Typical. That chump

ain't gonna fight for her.

Ladies, let's get sh*t-faced.

You've f***ed

your last wife, stensland.

Stensland?

No, no, no. Sir, my

name isn't stensland.

My name is Grady.

Wrong.

Oh, god!

Don't! God...

Oh, god...

Hey, guy, the gun was

just to f*** with you.

So you're not gonna kill me?

No. My receptionist was listening

in when I threatened you,

which means I'd have

to kill her as well.

And there's no way I'm breaking

in a new receptionist.

No, sir.

I am, however, going to kick the

ever-loving sh*t out of you.

No, please...

Please don't kick the

ever-loving sh*t out of me.

What are you doing?

I just... I bruise so easily.

Come on.

Huh...

Just don't... You've

urinated in your shorts.

Yes! You pointed a gun at my

face, and I already had to go.

Jesus, Morgan!

This is bullshit.

She really knows

how to pick 'em.

She picked you to cheat with?

Yes. Are you still

kicking the sh*t out of me?

Yes, so just sit there

and shut up.

Jesus Christ,

your apartment looks like

the cargo hold of a pirate ship.

Thank you.

It's not a compliment, dumb-ass.

This is literally a sh*t hole.

It stinks.

What is that, beef

chow mein from last week?

And your bong water

spilled everywhere?

And now it smells

like your cowardly urine.

It smells like man.

Don't call yourself that

in front of me.

Huh.

I'll be damned.

I didn't realize

they still made those.

"Shanty. Irish mulligan stew."

Hey, don't rag it.

That is a hearty bouillon

at an affordable price.

I know what it is.

It's all I ate when I was

poor and pathetic like you.

Well, the tradition continues.

What happened in your shorts?

It's a twosie.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, that was good.

Okay, so level with me.

Did Morgan pay you

to tell me you had sex?

No. And I didn't know

she was married either.

Yeah.

Hey, why did you cheat on her?

I didn't cheat on her. God...

She picked up a scent of

perfume on one of my shirts,

so that got her to thinking,

and you know what happens when

vexed women start thinking.

Civilizations fall, son.

You can bank on that.

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