Crazy, Stupid, Love

---

Oh, come on

Save room for my love

Save room for a moment to be with me

Save room for my love

Save a little

Save a little for me

Oh, I'm so full.

You were right,

I shouldn't have eaten all that bread.

Want to split a dessert?

You okay? You seem a little off.

Yeah, I'm just trying to think about

what I want.

Yeah, me too.

Why don't we just say it at the same time?

One, two, three...

- I want a divorce.

- Crme brle.

- You can't get away.

- Aah!

It's okay, that's my fault.

Come on, let's get you to bed

before your parents get home.

No puppy eyes, you little maniac.

Go brush your teeth.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

Almost 25 years of marriage

and you have nothing to say?

Robbie.

Hey, Robbie, have you seen

Molly's homework?

- Get out.

- Oh, my God.

- Close the door.

- Um...

Okay, Robbie, I'm really sorry,

and I didn't see anything.

Oh, my God.

You're not talking, and you know

that only makes me talk more.

But maybe that's good, you know?

Because maybe I'll just say it.

Maybe... Maybe I'll just tell you

I slept with someone.

David Lindhagen. From work.

- You met him at the Christmas party.

- Please stop.

The last person in the world

I'd wanna hurt is you.

If you keep talking, I'm gonna get out.

I think the fact that I did it,

it just shows how broken we are.

- Okay.

- How much we really... Cal.

Oh, my God! Cal!

Are you okay?

I'll leave tonight. I'll sign whatever you want.

Just please stop talking about it.

Okay.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

No, you know, I should have knocked.

Just for the record,

I think about you while I do it.

- Robbie.

- I have this picture of you...

...and I look at it the whole time.

- Stop it.

I love you, Jessica.

I am actually begging you to stop it.

And I know you're 17,

and I know I just turned 13...

...which is the same age

as your little brother.

But soon our age difference

won't even matter.

Which is good, because I'm pretty sure

you're my soul mate.

Okay, um...

- Listen, Robbie...

- We're home.

- Sh*t.

- Hey.

Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Weaver, how was...?

Oh, my God. Uh, what happened?

Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce,

and I jumped out of the car.

- Cal. Honey...

- Well...

- Kids good? Everybody good?

- Dad?

- Oh.

- Oh. Hey, I didn't see you standing there.

- You're getting a divorce?

- Well, yes.

Uh, so, Jess,

did Molly get through dinner okay?

Yeah, yeah, she's...

- You jumped out of a moving car?

- I jumped out of a moving car.

- Did she fight you on broccoli?

- No, she didn't.

She always fights me.

- Sorry you had to find out this way.

- Sorry you jumped out of a car.

- I'm sorry if she fought you.

- It's okay.

I don't have any money.

Uh, sweetheart? Let's go to bed, okay?

Listen, why don't you grab your coat?

I'll drive you home. All right.

I don't care. I love him. I really do.

And, given the opportunity...

Yes, I would have his babies.

Seriously? Conan O'Brien?

You would do Conan O'Brien?

Oh, my God, yes.

Ew. Friend to friend, ew.

I don't know. Your life is so PG-13.

- My life is not PG-13.

- Oh, it so is.

- No, it's not.

- Yes, it is.

You've never left L.A. You pass the bar,

you're gonna be what, a patent lawyer?

Probably married to that human Valium,

Richard. I just...

Listen, I worry about you, is all.

So much potential...

...and you've resorted to fantasizing

about Conan "Ginger Junk" O'Brien.

- He's funny.

- He looks like a carrot, honey.

Who looks like a carrot?

Hi. Who looks like a carrot?

Conan O'Brien.

My friend Hannah here

thinks he's sexy.

That's weird, I think that your friend

Hannah is sexy.

Oh, my God. You did not just say that.

How old are you?

- What are you, a lawyer?

- Yeah. A little bit.

- Come on.

- I know.

- You are? Is she?

- Gonna be.

Don't you think you're a little old

to use cheesy pickup lines?

- Objection. Leading the witness.

- Ha, ha.

You're wearing that

like you're doing it a favor.

- Oh, God.

- That's a line.

Me sitting there for the past two hours not

being able to take my eyes off you is fact.

I mean, there's lots of beautiful women

in this bar. Your friend included. Hi.

I love you.

But I can't take my eyes off of you.

That's a fact, it's not a line.

I find you very attractive.

Do you find me attractive?

- She does.

- I don't.

- Tsk. You do. She does.

- Yes, she does.

- I don't.

- You do.

- You do.

- I don't.

- Hannah, can I buy you a drink?

- No.

- You say no a lot, don't you?

- No.

Oh, boy. Permission

to approach the bench?

Seriously?

Just, come on, let me deliver

my closing argument.

Sure. Proceed.

- Hannah, we live in a physical world, right?

- Uh-huh.

- And you're going to age, right?

- Mm-hm.

You're never gonna regret going home

with that guy from the bar that one time...

...that was a total tomcat in the sack.

But I can't guarantee

that you won't not regret it.

- That was a double negative.

- You're a double negative.

Okay. Hannah, can I buy you a drink?

Okay. You know what?

It's time to go home.

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

That's forward of you, but okay.

I'll do it.

I TiVoed Saw III.

So should I get my car or yours?

Should I pull the car around?

You been drinking? I'll drive.

- Liz?

- Coming.

- I'll have to call Nanna.

- Huh?

Oh. Noth...

So Stanford, huh?

Good for you. That's great.

I know your dad's really proud.

Yeah. Yeah, he's...

- Are you sure you're okay?

- David Lindhagen, God.

Okay.

I'm sorry. Sorry about that.

It's okay.

Um...

- Mr. Weaver?

- Hmm?

Um...

You're the nicest dad that I babysit...

Of all the, um...

You're really nice.

- That's very nice.

- And, um...

...I like Ms. Weaver,

I like her a lot. Okay?

But if she wants to divorce you...

...then I think she's batshit crazy.

Mm.

- Sorry.

- Okay. Okay.

I hope this doesn't make you

uncomfortable.

- I've developed, like, a little crush...

- Could you do me a favor?

Would you not mention to your parents

that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know...

It's something we wanna tell them

on our own, okay?

Yeah.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

Have a good night.

See you soon

Another vodka cranberry?

I'm sorry. What?

- Another vodka cranberry?

- Oh, yeah. Yes, thanks.

It's no surprise

I've been by this place

a million times, never come in.

It's nice, lot of pretty girls.

Nowhere

This is my life

- Hey, guess what.

- What?

My wife is having intercourse

with someone who is not me.

Um, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh. Thank you. That is very nice

of you to say. Very, very nice.

She just told me. I just found out,

so I'm a little raw. It's...

Ah, okay. Well, you're not listening.

Okay.

You wouldn't ignore me

if I were David Lindhagen.

My wife doesn't ignore David Lindhagen.

She screws him.

Screws him.

They make this, like, gurgling sound,

it's like:

Gay.

- Hey, Cal.

- Hey.

Hey.

Oh, I just, uh... I got the report

on the end-of-year financials.

- Good. Good, good. Really great.

- Oh, good.

You killed this quarter.

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