Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #2

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Okay.

- Cal, seriously.

- All right.

- Okay.

- Seriously.

Who told you

that Emily and I are getting divorced?

- You're getting a divorce?

- Yeah.

Amy heard you crying in the bathroom.

We all thought it was cancer.

- Oh.

- Thank God, man. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, just my relationship.

- Thank God.

- Oh...

Divorce.

- I'm so lucky.

- You are.

- I have to go pick out furniture now.

- Okay, okay. You go for it.

It could have been cancer, buddy.

Hey, everyone, it's just a divorce.

All right, buddy.

Thanks. Feels good.

Cal? I just wanted to say...

Sh*t.

Can I back that thing

out of the driveway for you?

- Oh, no. I'll be fine.

- You have trouble in reverse, is all.

When I get settled, the kids can come

and take a look at my new place.

I think I'm having a midlife crisis,

maybe.

Can women have midlife crises?

In the movies it's always men having them

and buying ridiculous yellow Porsches...

...but, you know, I'm not a man.

Be sure to fertilize all this.

We got married so young, Cal.

And now I'm 44.

And it's so much older

than I thought I'd be.

There's a turnoff valve

for the sprinklers over there.

Last week, when I told you

that I had to work late...

...I went to see the new Twilight movie

by myself.

I don't know why I did that.

And it was so bad, Cal.

It keeps raining, you might

wanna turn off the automatic setting.

And we haven't been us.

Not for a long time.

And I don't know when you and I

stopped being us.

I mean, do you?

Maybe it's when

you screwed David Lindhagen.

Nobody wants to be alone

The heart beats happy

when it has a place

And if it doesn't have a home

It can come into my space

So you can be the one I love

I can be the one you long for

You can be the one I want

Hey.

Sorry I'm late,

I had to pick something up at Macy's.

- Oh. Don't even worry about it.

- A chardonnay.

I'm just glad you're here.

Wow.

I don't know. I don't know what happened.

Tough couple of days.

You know

when you don't see something coming...

Claire said I can't be friends

with you anymore.

What?

She said we had to choose

between you and Emily.

I chose you.

But she said no.

It's cologne.

Bernie?

- Are you breaking up with me, Bernie?

- There's a gift receipt in there also.

Bernie?

Bernie. Bernie.

I can be the one you long for

You can be the one

You know a word

that is not used very often anymore?

"Cuckold."

I'm a cuckold.

David Lindhagen cuckolded me.

He made a cuckold out of me.

He slept with my wife.

And I didn't know about it.

And that is the definition of cuckoldom.

David Lindhagen took my wife

and slept with her.

Thought I did everything right.

Got married, had kids, the house.

What do I get for it? I get cuckolded.

David Lindhagen cuckolded me.

He made a cuckold out of me.

Welcome to my spaceship

It's beautiful forever

Can you give me five minutes?

The heart's a lonely hunter

Interesting.

Hey. Jacob Palmer.

- Cal Weaver.

- Let me buy you a drink, Cal.

- Thanks, I have a drink.

- Sit. I'd like to buy you a drink.

Okay.

Guess what.

- My wife is having an affair with...

- David Lindhagen.

David Lindhagen. I know.

- How do I know that?

- I don't know.

I'm a total stranger. How would I know

something so intimate?

- Lindhagen screwing with your wife too?

- No.

- Hmm.

- You wanna know why I know that?

Okay.

It's all that I've heard, Cal, for the past

two nights. It's all anybody's heard.

You're going around and you're badgering

people with this sad-sack loser sob story.

- I don't understand why.

- I don't need this crap.

- Cal, sit down.

- All right.

Look, I know that it sounds harsh,

but it's true.

And you need to hear the truth. Okay?

Okay.

Cal, would you take that straw

out of your mouth? Please.

That looks like

you're sucking on a tiny schwantz.

Is that what you want?

Is that the message you wanna send?

- No one's thinking that.

- Really?

- So permission to speak candidly, sir.

- Uh, think you've already gone there.

You're sitting there

with a Supercuts haircut...

...getting drunk on watered-down vodka

cranberries like a 14-year-old girl...

...and you're wearing a 44

when you should be wearing a 42 regular.

Honestly, I don't know if I should

help you or euthanize you.

Cal, you got a kind face.

You got a good head of hair.

You seem like a nice guy.

I wanna help you. I'm gonna help you

rediscover your manhood.

Do you have any idea,

like, where you lost it?

- A strong case could be made for 1984.

- Well.

We're gonna find it.

We are. I promise you.

And I promise you this too, Cal:

When we're done...

...this wife of yours...

...she's gonna rue the day

she ever decided to give up on you.

That's my offer.

You in or you out?

Why are you doing this?

Maybe you remind me of someone.

You in or you out?

I'm in.

Hey, fancy face, you wanna go?

Okay.

Century City Mall, food court,

After you, hon.

Good night, fancy face.

She will rue the day.

Set you guys up with some snacks

over here. TV's already on.

You okay?

Mm. Yeah. You?

Mm.

Can I tell you something?

Love sucks.

Yeah.

You in love, buddy?

- Well, if you must know...

- Ding-dong.

- Oh, hey, Jess. Thanks for coming by.

- Hey. Yeah.

What is she doing here?

Guys, I have to step out for a couple

of minutes. Okay? All right? Okay.

Mom wants you to stay

while she's out hooking.

- What?

- What?

Oh. Um, the place is nice, Mr. Weaver.

Thanks.

That's a very generous adjective.

- Honey.

- I don't need a babysitter.

She's only four years older.

You need to know that.

- She needs to know that.

- I know, I know, I know.

Man, are you growing up.

Look at him. It's unbelievable.

He's in love already.

Oh.

Molly. Say bye to Daddy.

- Wait, where are you going?

- I'm taking a class.

- That is great, Mr. Weaver.

- Thank you.

This is a difficult time for you, right?

And it's important to try new things.

Even things that you haven't

considered trying before.

Mm-hm. Yup. Molly, I'm going.

Okay. That's my princess. Bye. Thanks.

- But wait. Dad.

- Bye, guys. See you in a bit.

Hey, Tiger.

- I love you so, so much.

- Jeez, Robbie.

I love you so much. Please?

What the hell am I doing?

What am I doing?

Hey, uh, everybody.

Everybody. Uh, if I could...

Thank you. A little toast.

I would like to thank you all for coming

to Hannah Banana's goodbye party.

And to my...

- ... Hannah Banana.

- Ha, ha.

You go into your cave

and you study your butt off.

Because if you do, I just know

that you are gonna kick that bar's butt...

...out of here. You know?

- Yeah.

It reminds me of an old story

my law professor told me...

Oh, dear God. Cheers, everyone.

Cheers.

Hey, Liz.

Listen, when my girl here passes...

...I'm gonna have another

little celebration right here...

...and I hope you can make it,

because it's gonna be a special night.

Okay.

- Did you hear that?

- Hear what?

- You heard that? "Special night"?

- Yeah. Yeah.

You think he's gonna propose?

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