Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #3

---

At the El Torito Grill? God, I hope not.

Why, do you want him to?

I don't know, he's nice.

"He's ni..."? Hannah.

He's a sweetheart. Look at him.

- He bcc'd you?

- Right, yeah.

All right. Hannah, look at you.

Look at you.

If you end up with that,

what am I gonna end up with?

- Shut up. Come on.

- That sh*t's depressing.

All right. You know what?

I have to not big-sister you. It's fine if...

Jesus, really?

No. No. Not my life. Not my life.

I'm going. Okay?

So call me if you need anything. Bye.

You're awful. Bye.

Thank you for coming.

Um...

- You're late.

- Yeah. Sorry.

- Sbarro's?

- No, thanks.

Let me ask a question.

How much you got for clothes?

Um...

- What happened to your feet?

- What do you mean?

- These are my 407 s.

- Oh, they're 407 s.

- Can I see them?

- Yeah.

- These offer a lot of support.

- Right.

Whoa. Come on.

- What, are you in a fraternity?

- Are you insane?

You could have hit somebody.

What was that?

- I'm asking a question. You in a frat?

- No.

- Are you Steve Jobs?

- What?

Hold on a second. Are you the billionaire

owner of Apple Computers?

- No.

- Oh.

Okay. Well, in that case, you got no right

to wear New Balance sneakers ever.

- Come on.

- Mm... Oh...

Okay. All right.

One of the best parts

about being a guy your age...

Frankly, there aren't many, so you

should really take full advantage of it.

Uh-huh.

Is that you can rebuild your entire

wardrobe with like 16 items.

Credit card.

What?

You see, the problem

is that your head has like...

Like the proportions

of a Styrofoam peanut.

The skin under your eyes is starting

to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sac.

It does.

Where are your wallets?

- I'm set for jeans.

- You're not set for jeans.

- These are fine.

- They're not fine.

- You have a mom butt.

- Why don't we just go to the Gap?

You know what? They have a s... Okay.

What are you doing?

Cal, be better than the Gap.

Be better than the Gap.

Say it.

I'm better than the Gap.

- Come on.

- God.

- Stop slapping me. Really.

- Okay.

You're beautiful.

He likes to slap me in the face.

- What are you doing later?

- Ha, ha. I don't know.

- I do.

- Do you?

- I know exactly what you're doing.

- Oh, ha, ha.

Seriously? Seriously?

- You ask her out like that?

- Yeah.

And that worked?

Yeah.

Feeling kind of stupid, but...

Wow.

Look at you.

Feel like I'm going skiing.

- Would you sleep with him?

- Jesus. God.

- Yeah, probably.

- Wha...?

You would?

That's... What?

What are you even saying?

You see what just happened, Cal?

Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany

started doubting whether she wanted to.

That's the meanest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

No. This is.

Your wife cheated on you because

you lost sight of who you are as a man...

...as a husband, and probably as a lover.

You're right, that's meaner.

Let's talk about how many women

you've been with.

- Sexually?

- Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.

One.

No. Not at one time.

How many total?

Don't say it. Don't say it.

We met in high school, okay?

Oh, boy. You're kidding me.

One woman? That's great.

- Emily is beautiful.

- I guess.

She was gorgeous.

She was one of those women...

...that could be wildly sexy

and unbelievably cute all at the same time.

We had a little blip senior year...

I literally stopped listening at "Emily."

I think we should start approaching

women tonight.

Are you ready to go?

I miss my wife.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How are you?

- Good. How are you?

I'm great. I'm Jacob. What's your name?

- Oh. Amy Johnson.

- Amy Johnson.

- I'm Jacob Palmer. How you doing?

- Uh, great.

- Good.

- I'm Cal.

No. Not yet.

- Sorry. Amy, can I buy you a drink?

- Uh-huh.

Keep her company?

- I'd be happy to.

- Lf he gets handsy, let me know.

I wouldn't touch you

if my life depended on it.

- Uh, what was your name?

- Cal Weaver.

- Cal Weaver.

- No relation to Dennis Weaver.

- Uh... Uh...

- McCloud.

McCloud was a show in the '70s

that...

You're not talking about McCloud

again, are you?

Here we go, huh?

To all of our fallen homeys.

Well, I'm the fourth of five sisters.

- No. That's boring.

- Oh.

Not for your sisters,

but for my purposes, it's not gonna work.

- Okay.

- I have this friend.

And he thinks that you're way too pretty

to be interesting and that's hogwash.

- All right. You wanna get out of here?

- Uh, sure.

Giddyup.

Am I boring you? I'm totally boring you.

I'm...

How are you doing this, like...

...wildly sexy but unbelievably cute

thing that you're doing?

- Uh...

- It's weird.

- You wanna get out of here?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Cool.

So Molly, who's 6 at the time,

can't find Mr. Bobo.

We're looking all over.

It's in the kitchen.

Mr. Bobo was in the kitchen the whole time.

Wanna get out of here?

Have a good night.

- Let's get out of here.

- Yeah.

- Let's get out of here.

- Okay.

- Let's get out of here.

- Absolutely.

- Let's get out of here.

- Okay.

- Let's get out of here.

- Okay.

Sh*t.

- You have a second?

- Hey, David. No. Because I'm swamped.

- You've been avoiding me.

- No. I haven't.

You ran in the other direction when you

saw me coming down the hall yesterday.

- You're very fast, by the way.

- I ran track in high school.

That must be it.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry

about you and Cal.

- No, you're not.

- No, I'm not.

I like you, Emily.

Do you have any idea

how much I like you?

Hey, David, you know,

I really have a lot to do.

I had no intention of falling

for a married woman...

...but all of a sudden we're having

lunch and I'm this accountant...

...who's waking up every morning

excited to go to work.

And that just does not happen

for accountants. Ever.

I checked with other accountants.

David, you know what?

You've been a great friend.

You noticed last month when I got

my hair trimmed and that was huge.

But look, trust me. You know...

I am saving you from disaster, because

you're asking to pre-board the Titanic.

Do you really want any part of this?

Do I really want any part of this?

- Emily? Your report's ready.

- Okay.

Okay, people. Here it is.

The Scarlet Letter

by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

A romance set in Salem in the 1600s.

It is about sin.

Forced to wear the scarlet A

to punish her adulterous behavior.

Dimmesdale's A is inflicted upon himself

in the form of a...

Mr. Weaver.

Mr. Weaver.

Are we interrupting?

You wanna talk about

The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty?

All right.

Well, the A they're both wearing...

...I think it stands for "a**hole."

Wanna know why?

Because they fell in love...

...and love is for stupid a**holes.

And this book is just about

a bunch of a**holes...

...who fell in love, like a**holes...

...then had to die, like a**holes.

I'm sorry about all the "a**holes."

You know what else might work?

A swear jar.

You know, a quarter per curse word.

Yeah, we'll definitely try that.

All right. Could help.

- Take care.

- Thanks.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote