Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #4

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- Seriously?

- Sorry.

Hey, I have to go back to the office.

You're gonna have to wait for me there.

Fine.

They're still making kids read

The Scarlet Letter, huh?

Yep.

You'd think somebody would have

written something better by now.

I guess I should take that down, huh?

I guess.

So how is he? You know.

I mean, l... Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Forget it. Just ignore me.

- Forget I ever...

- He's out a lot.

- A lot?

- Yeah.

Like...

Like "a lot" a lot,

or just like a little?

A lot.

Well, that's good. That's really good.

- Wanna get takeout tonight, honey?

- I mean, he's sad.

I can tell that he's sad.

Even though he looks better...

...I can still tell that he's not happy,

you know?

Yeah. Well, you know. Yeah.

I guess I'm pretty sad too.

I know.

I heard you crying the other night.

Didn't know what to do.

Oh, Robbie, baby, you're 13,

you're not supposed to know what to do.

I tried Googling it.

- You did not.

- Yep. I did.

- Well, what did you Google?

- I searched "Mom crying in bed."

What did Google say?

Just a bunch of weird videos

of moms in bed.

Ugh. Oh, God. Okay.

All right, that's enough. No more.

Do those parental controls work at all?

They work for me.

Because you're a disgusting teenager,

that's why.

- Hey.

- Oh, hey.

- Bill wants to see you before you take off.

- Oh. Uh, David, this is my son, Robbie.

Robbie, this is David.

- Um, we work together.

- How you doing, buddy?

- You all right to wait a little bit?

- Yeah.

Okay. Thanks, David.

So, Robbie, I hear

you're quite the soccer player.

So, David, I hear

you broke up my parents' marriage.

- You are David Lindhagen, right?

- Lindhagen.

- Yeah. Here's the thing, Lindhagen.

- Hagen.

Whatever.

In the end, she winds up

back with my dad.

He's a better guy than you are

in every category.

And she still loves him.

He's not gonna give up on my mom...

...like I'm not gonna stop

sending Jessica messages...

...that make her feel uncomfortable.

Hey. You ready to go, honey?

- Can we order Chinese for dinner tonight?

- Yeah. Sure, honey.

Hi, David. Get your stuff.

- Bye, David.

- See you.

You're not gonna be able

to feel your arms.

I'll be fine.

Jesus Christ.

Look, let's face it, Cal, all right?

The war between the sexes is over,

and we won, okay?

We won the second women started doing

pole dancing for exercise.

But even though we won,

they still deserve our respect.

Make them feel beautiful, listen to

their problems, open the door for them.

Would you put on some clothes, please?

- I'm sorry, is this bothering you?

- No, it's not.

My schwantz is in your face.

If it's not bothering you, we got a problem.

- Okay, it bothers me.

- I don't care.

You gotta take control

of your manhood, pal. You know?

You want something, you take it.

You don't like something, you say it.

I take what I want.

David Lindhagen certainly took

what he wanted, didn't he?

And I can guarantee you this:

He is opening the car door

for your wife right now.

What, you passing out?

Oh, boy.

- I think you're ready, pal.

- For what?

To talk to a pretty lady,

and take her home and show her your gift.

No. No, I'm not.

You're ready as you're ever gonna be.

You play your strengths, pal.

That's all any of us can do.

I'm mysterious.

I'm, you know, good in bed.

And you are a, uh...

...you know, stable and employed adult.

Jesus.

You see this lady over here at 9 o'clock?

You want me to hit on her?

No, I wanna hit on her.

The one behind her.

Oh.

- She's a fox, right?

- Mm-hm.

You think she came to a crowded bar

to have a quiet drink alone? She's hunting.

She's just looking for an opportunity to

settle for a responsible and stable adult.

And I'd like her to settle for you.

Oh. Well, thank you for the ego boost,

but you know what?

Just because I've watched you

pick up women...

...doesn't mean I know how

to pick up women.

- Ever see Karate Kid?

- What does that have to do with anything?

When he's teaching him to wax on and off

but really to fight?

You want me to fight someone?

What's the first thing I do

when I go up to a girl? I buy her a drink.

Yes, always. Without fail.

You buy her a drink.

Even if she doesn't want one,

you insist.

- And do I talk about myself?

- Never.

Never about yourself, always her.

- Because bar banter?

- Is boring.

So you put the impetus on her.

She has to be the interesting one.

"Impress me.

Impress me with how interesting you are."

It's a big game. Game.

Creepy, creepy little game you play.

- That's judgmental, isn't it?

- Mm-hm.

At the end of the night

do I ask them to come home?

No, you tell them to come home.

They have no choice in the matter.

It is your choice and they are so overjoyed

to have had the opportunity...

...to make sweet, sweet love to you.

Oh, my God.

You did, you Miyagi'd me.

Honk.

Take your ring off. Let's go.

Just no talking about your kids, your job,

David Lindhagen, don't you dare.

Shut up, shut up. Just shut up.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Hi. Hi.

- Who are you?

- Hey. I'm Kate.

- Kate, you mind if I introduce you to my...?

- I'm Cal.

- I got this. Pleased to meet you.

- Hi.

And this is my friend Jacob.

He was just leaving.

- Oh.

- Oh.

So that's one way to treat people.

So can I buy you a drink, Kate?

- Oh. No, thank you.

- I'm gonna buy you a drink anyway.

Grey Goose, right?

Rocks. Two limes?

I'm five years sober.

- What can I get for you?

- Nothing. Nothing.

Go away, we're good.

Please don't come back ever.

- Ahem. So, what do you do, Cal?

- I don't know. What do you do, Kate?

- I asked you first.

- I asked you second.

Seriously, what do you do?

Seriously, what do you do?

Are you really not going to tell me

what you do?

Ah...

- Uh, okay, I'm a teacher.

- Boring.

Come on, you gotta keep it interesting.

Interest me.

Uh...

- I studied at Oxford for five years.

- Boring!

Wow. Teacher with an alcohol dependency

who studied at Oxford.

Blah, blah, blah. Bleh.

England. Yuck.

I think my friends just got here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Okay, I'm in corporate insurance.

- Oh, God.

I have children, plural.

My wife was cheating on me

with Lindhagen...

...which I wasn't supposed to tell you.

Nice to meet you.

- What were you supposed to tell me?

- I don't know. I don't know.

I was supposed to say that you are the

perfect combination of sexy and cute...

...which is actually something

that I used to say to my wife.

But now it's become corrupted.

And I have 18 layers of clothes on.

I'm wearing a shirt and a tie

and a sweater and a suede jacket...

...that just seals in all the heat.

Seals in all the juices.

It's all sweat under here.

This is just sweat from here down.

This sweater, this is called slim cut,

but it feels like a scuba suit.

And I'm looking at your breasts.

What's that about?

You think I'm the perfect combination

of sexy and cute?

That's what you picked up

from what I just said?

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