Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #5

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Mm, mm.

- So this is my crappy apartment.

- Oh. Ooh.

Dumpy. That I had to move into

after my wife left me.

I love how you're being so honest.

- You like that?

- It's so different. It's so hot.

Okay. Okay.

- Aah! Ha, ha.

- Wow! Wow!

- More.

- Okay.

- Wanna hear something really hot?

- Mm-hm.

I've only had sex with one woman.

In my entire life.

- Honest or not honest?

- That's honest.

More! Tell me more.

I'm a little worried you have AIDS.

Just a little. Just a little bit.

It's okay, I'm not worried.

Oh, my God, this is so much fun.

What do you wanna do with me?

Oh...

I wanna show you off to my ex-wife

and make her really jealous.

Whoa, man.

Phew. Ha, ha.

You gonna call me?

Okay.

Yeah.

Wow, that is a great dress.

Where'd you get that?

Thank you. A store in Beverly Hills.

Really? Beautiful.

It was a gift from my grandmother.

- Really?

- It's a Krugerrand.

It's from South Africa.

I love it.

And I told him never to assume

anything.

And I've been to Maine, so that's a

sixth state. So I've been to six states.

- Oh, I love Maine.

- Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.

- Have you been to Waterville?

- I have, yeah.

Greece, Italy.

Greece, Italy?

Wanna get out of here?

- You're driving.

- I am.

I have never experienced that

in my life.

- Pretty great.

- Are most women like that these days?

- God bless technology.

- God bless it.

I went and met this girl the other night.

She was heckling me the whole time we...

I felt like I was doing it with the two

old guys from The Muppet Show.

- Ha-ha-ha. Statler and Waldorf.

- I was into it.

And she was like, "Look at this frown

on your face. What is that?

You're so serious. What, it's serious

to kiss me? It's supposed to be fun.

Oh, my God, if it's gonna be hard work,

why don't you just stop?"

Hello?

Hey. Hot guy from the bar

who hit on you is here.

Tsk. Liz, I'm studying.

You should be studying the ceiling

of his bedroom.

I am eating a caramel apple.

In what world, honey?

Please, turn around. No.

Come on, take a break.

It'll be good for you to get out.

And by get out...

...I mean have hot guy from the bar knock

you into his headboard until you see God.

What is wrong with you?

You should be studying the curve

of his...

Okay, goodbye, Liz.

That too much? Hello?

Look, I gave him the cologne

like you told me to...

...and I don't think we should really

just dance on his grave.

I just thought you'd wanna know

what I heard about your old pal Cal.

What about Mr. Weaver, Mom?

Um, just, apparently, Mr. Weaver

has become a real ladies' man.

- What?

- Claire.

She should know. She babysits for him.

She's almost an adult. Lots of young

women in and out of his apartment.

She's too young for this.

I don't like this S-E-X talk in front

of the K-l-D-S.

First of all, they can spell.

Second of all, I'm just saying.

I think we were right in choosing Emily.

- Oh, um...

- Why are you following me?

Madison, I just had a question for you.

Okay, Jessica, what's up?

It's kind of on the personal side.

Yep, my lips are:

Seals. My lips are seals.

Okay. Um...

My question, and I don't mean to be blunt or

insulting, but let's just call it what it is.

You're always sleeping

with older guys, right?

- Always.

- Oh, um...

So my question for you, Madison,

is, um, how do you do that?

I mean, how do you get them to see you

as not just a kid in high school, you know?

But as someone that's mature,

and old, and that's...

Well, first off, I have a huge rack.

Uh, yes, you do.

You don't have a huge rack.

No.

- Wait, how old is he?

- Old.

Like really old?

- Like parent-old.

- Nasty, Jessica.

Yeah, because

that's what I was thinking, right?

- Rock on.

- Thank you.

- You are so dirty.

- Yes, I know.

Oh, okay. You gotta force his hand.

You know what I mean?

Go TMZ on his ass.

- Not following.

- A dirty picture.

- Oh. Oh.

- Make this face:

- Jeez, Madison. Stop.

- What?

You put that on his radar and he won't see you

as a little girl anymore, that's for sure.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Hey. We don't know.

Behold.

Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate.

- The love of my life.

- Ha-ha-ha.

I have marked myself with a scarlet J

for you, Jessica.

Get down from there.

- Nathaniel Hawthorne... Are you mad?

- I am your babysitter. You get down.

Oh, my God.

- What are you thinking?

- Like the scaffold?

Took me like four weeks to make it.

It has wheels.

This has got to stop, Robbie.

- You'll learn to love me, I promise.

- No, I won't.

- Because I'm four years younger?

- Because I love somebody else.

Who is he?

He's older.

And I didn't want my parents to find out.

You know I'll kill him if he hurts you.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, Robbie, this has to stop.

Okay? No more.

Grow up.

I'll see you around.

Unh. Okay.

Okay.

So you're seeing Mom tomorrow

at my parent-teacher thing.

Yeah, no biggie.

What's with all the moping?

Uh, nothing. It's just...

There's a girl.

- A girl, huh?

- Uh-huh.

You like her?

I like Pringles.

I mean, this girl...

...she's incredible.

She's my soul mate, you know?

She doesn't even care.

But she's your soul mate, right?

Yeah.

Well, you just don't give up on her,

right?

Why not? You did.

I didn't give up.

Okay, it's more complicated than that.

I'm a different guy now.

You're not different.

You just have different clothes.

It's not that simple, kiddo.

- What kind of crap is that?

- Watch it.

You love her or you don't. I know you do.

I'm serious, Dad. I just need some

inspiration right now. All right?

Go get her back.

Wow, how old are you?

Wow.

You look great, Cal.

Oh. Ha, ha.

Well, it turns out I've been buying the

wrong size suit for like 20 years, so...

Oh, well, whatever.

You, um... You look great.

Thanks. You always look great.

Oh, thanks.

- So I spoke to Nanna yesterday.

- Yeah, me too. How'd she sound to you?

Um... Like Nanna. She worries about us.

What teacher is this?

Ms. Tafferty. She's the one he pulled

the Scarlet Letter a**hole routine on.

Mm-hm.

God, he's such a weird kid.

- I kind of like him, though.

- Mm-hm.

Yeah, me too.

Glad we switched babies at the hospital.

Me too. That other one's in jail, probably.

So how's it going with David?

Oh, you know, it, um...

It wasn't, um...

That didn't mean anything.

- I mean, you know, if...

- No. No, I know.

You seeing anybody?

Me?

Mm-mm.

Oh, you know. Well, you hear things,

you know, so...

No. No. Not real...

You know me.

Yeah, well...

No.

I miss you, Em.

I made an effort when we were younger,

didn't I?

I mean, miniature golf and dancing.

You were such a great dancer.

I had to be.

You were such a good miniature golfer.

I just... I don't know. I guess I got lazy.

I got...

I got boring, is what I got.

No.

And I'm so mad at you.

I'm really mad at you for what you did.

But I'm mad at myself too.

Because I should not have jumped out of that car.

I should've fought for you.

Because you fight for your soul mates.

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