Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #6

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Least, that's what my 13-year-old son

tells me.

He's a really strange kid.

He scares the sh*t out of me.

I miss you too.

Mr. And Mrs. Weaver?

No way in hell.

- Cal, what are you doing here?

- Oh, you two know each other?

Yes. Yeah, right. We've met before, yes.

- "We have met before"? Seriously?

- Mm-hm.

So I'd like to introduce you

to my wife, Emily.

Hi, I'm Robbie's mom.

She's your wife again. How convenient.

So shall we enter?

- Okay.

- Why don't we?

Yeah, let's do that.

I'm sorry. I'm playing catch-up.

How do you two know each other, exactly?

- Um...

- Um...

Maybe your husband should tell you.

We... I think we met at last year's

parent-teacher conference, wasn't it?

Did I miss it? Did I miss the

parent-teacher conference thing last year?

Yeah. I don't remember.

Why don't we just, uh, focus on Robbie?

Yes.

Yes, let's do that. Let's...

Let's focus on Robbie.

As you know,

Robbie's shining moment...

...was when he set a school record for

cursing in an eighth-grade English class.

A**hole. Ha-ha-ha.

You're familiar with this word,

Mrs. Weaver.

Yes, I am. And I've spoken to Principal...

A**hole. As in someone who tells

a woman that he'll call and never does.

Hmm.

A**hole. As in someone who uses

honesty to get a woman into bed with him...

...but is actually full of sh*t

like the rest of them.

- This is not about Robbie.

- Mm-mm.

A**hole. As in someone who allows

a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes...

...because he's nervous.

- All right, all right, all right.

- Ew. Ew. Oh.

You know what? Know what? No.

Here's the deal.

- She's an alcoholic.

- Aah!

- Oh, God. Okay.

- That's... I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. God.

- I gotta go.

- Aah!

- Oh, my God. Emily. God.

- Emily, Emily, wait.

- Leave me alone, Cal.

I'm sober five years, a**hole!

Okay, yeah, I did. I did.

I slept with our son's eighth-grade

English teacher.

I know. I know.

And I cheated,

so I have no right to be angry.

Not the point. When we were

married you were the only woman...

...that I had ever slept with...

...and now I have had sex

with nine different women... God.

Nine?

Nine?

Wow.

You showed me.

I wasn't trying to show you.

I was trying to move on.

But I don't want to.

You've always been the only one.

Tell her she's the perfect combination

of sexy and cute, a**hole.

You said that to her?

I did, yes.

Who are you?

I'm your soul mate.

What a clich.

You, get over here. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, give it up. Give it up for her.

Aw.

I'm so proud of you, baby.

I had my doubts, of course.

Hannah, I did tell you that tonight would

be a special night if you passed the bar.

So, Hannah...

...I would like to formally ask you...

...in front of all our friends

and colleagues...

...if you would like to become...

...a permanent lawyer at the firm

of Watkins, Goldberg and Schmidt? Huh?

How about that? Ha, ha. To you.

Whoo!

What?

- I ju... Um...

- What, what is it?

I thought that you were gonna propose

for some reason.

- What?

- Yeah. I know. I'm just...

It's just, uh, I'm a little thrown.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize that you thought

that we were there.

Oh, no. God, no. Don't be silly. I just...

I need some time, I think...

...to figure out how I feel about us,

you know?

Brrp. Long-term.

You need some time?

You need some time to figure out

how you feel about us? Okay.

Honey?

- Wow. Ha-ha-ha.

- Ha, ha. Wow.

- Ahem.

- Wow. Huh.

Wow.

This is actually really funny.

I'm just... Next level.

- Is this yours? Is this yours?

- Yes.

Mm. Mm.

Honey?

- Is this gin?

- Yes.

- There's, like, no water in that.

- Yeah.

- Great.

- Mm. Aah, I hate gin.

Wow, you know what?

Thank you, Richard.

Honestly, thank you very much

for your job offer. I will consider it.

Hannah Banana.

- Whoo! Ha, ha.

- Banana. Hannah.

- Do you wanna buy me a drink?

- Yes.

- It's nicer that way. Right?

- You.

You remember me?

Yeah.

- You still find me attractive?

- Yes.

Still wanna take me home?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Just one look

And I fell so hard

Here.

I really like this song.

This was a good choice. Yeah.

- Good song. You never hear this song.

- Mm-hm. Mm-mm.

Love this song.

Cheers.

How good it feels

Ugh.

That's not my drink.

Your love

Mm. Mm.

Ugh.

It's not my favorite. Thank you.

Forever

And always

- So is this how it normally works?

- What?

You put on the perfect song,

you make them a drink.

And I knew

And then you sleep together.

That you

Um...

Yeah.

I'm very nervous.

I'm getting that.

Okay. Because I know I seemed confident

back at the bar...

...but that was mostly just

because I was cold and wet...

...and trying to be dramatic

a little bit.

You're adorable.

No.

I am sexy.

- I am R-rated sexy.

- Mm-hm.

Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13

version of tonight, all right? I know.

It's that I get really drunk

and then I pass out.

You cover me with a blanket,

kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens.

But that's not why I'm here.

I am here to bang the hot guy

that hit on me at the bar.

- Jacob.

- Jacob.

- Are people still saying "bang"?

- I do.

We are gonna bang. Hmm?

This is happening.

- Take off your shirt.

- Why?

Please, will you take off your shirt?

I can't stop thinking. I need to just...

- Okay, okay, okay.

- All right, okay, okay, okay.

F***.

Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped.

Can l...?

Aah. You have cold hands.

- Now you take off your dress.

- No.

- Yes.

- No. Not with that going on. No, thank you.

Is there dim lighting somewhere?

Oh, God.

Okay, so then what do we do?

What happens now? Like, logistically?

- What's your move?

- What do you mean, what's my move?

- What's your move? Your big move?

- I got lots of moves.

- What's your big move?

- I'm not telling.

- Tell me your move.

- You're not ready for the big move.

- Yes, I am.

- You can't handle the big move.

- Tell me your big move.

- I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.

Dirty Dancing?

- Can I sit down, please?

- Yeah.

- Can I put back on my shirt?

- No.

Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do?

Do we watch it?

You know the big move at the end where

Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?

- Yeah.

- I can do that.

- Okay.

- So I tell girls I can do the move.

I put on the song "Time of Your Life."

I do the big move.

And they always wanna have sex

with me.

Oh, my God. That's the most ridiculous

thing I've ever heard.

I agree. But it works every time.

That would not work on me.

Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

I don't wanna do it.

Come on.

This is beyond ridiculous.

- Run and jump.

- No.

- Yeah. Come on.

- No, thank you.

Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go.

'Cause I've had the time of my life

And I owe it all to you

I've been waiting for so long

Now I've finally found someone

To stand by me

Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here

or in the bedroom?

The bedroom is preferred.

Mm-hm. Yeah, okay. Let's go there.

This pillow...

...forms perfectly

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