Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #7

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to the shape of my head.

Yeah.

Is this one of those foam pillows

from Brookstone?

Yeah.

- Yeah? Oh.

- Yeah.

I always wondered

who buys those kind of...

The hot guy from the bar buys these.

Of course.

- Jacob.

- Mm-hm, Jacob. Sorry about that.

Good.

I'm sorry, continue.

You don't have one of those ridiculous, um,

massage chairs, do you?

- You do?

- No.

- Yes, you do.

- Yeah, I do.

- Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.

- I don't. I don't. I do.

Who would have that?

I would. I have that.

- How much was it?

- Five thousand dollars.

Ask me how many times I've used it.

- How many times have you used it?

- Twice.

That's $2500 a massage.

Twice.

- Where is it?

- It's in the garage.

Can I sit in the massage chair?

I hate it.

The Home Shopping Network. But I'm addic...

I buy... I'm just the worst.

- Do you have a Slap Chop?

- Yes.

- The knife that cuts through the penny?

- Yes.

- Ha-ha-ha. What else do you have?

- Coin Bears.

Coin Bears?

You don't have Coin Bears.

I have a whole set from each state.

You have 50 Coin Bears?

- They have a coin in their foot.

- You stay up nights.

I am wildly unhappy.

I'm trying to buy it,

and it's not working.

- Were you smart in school?

- A little bossy, yeah.

But I won a spelling bee

and my dad cried at the spelling bee.

- No way. That's nice.

- Mm-hm.

- What word did you win on?

- It was so stupid.

I love curling up with

a rich cup of coffee.

What, you think coffee and sleep

don't mix?

Well, they do if it's High Point.

It's decaffeinated.

And the flavor is marvelous.

Do you have that mold that makes cakes...?

I have calf pants.

I have pants just for my calves.

Calf pants.

Oh, my God.

Could you do me a favor?

- What?

- Will you do me a kindness?

Mm.

Will you ask me something personal

about myself?

Hmm. Okay, fine. I'll do it.

And then we bang.

Yes.

What's your mother like?

My mom is very beautiful.

Um... Very vain.

Very smart.

Cold.

And your dad?

Um...

He died a long time ago.

He was such a sweet guy.

He was probably too sweet.

Very successful in business.

He made a lot of money,

which is why I have all this stuff.

But he was soft.

Just too soft, too sensitive.

And, you know, Dad,

he couldn't really handle my mother...

...and didn't really make an effort.

Hey, Jacob, it's Cal.

Where are you?

Remember the first woman I picked up,

that teacher?

Well, I have a story to tell you

about her.

It's been a week. I haven't heard

from you. Should I be concerned?

I am imagining you suffocating

under a pile of women. Call me.

Oh. Yeah, hey, it's me again.

Left like a hundred messages.

Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing,

I'm not getting it, so...

Call me back, please. Thanks.

- Been to St. Louis?

- No, I haven't.

I always dreamt of playing shortstop

for the St. Louis Cardinals, actually...

...but I couldn't hit a curveball,

so I did the next best thing.

Yeah, you became an accountant.

Right. Exactly.

I mean, the money's not as good,

but there's less travel.

Mm. Ha, ha.

- I was gonna be a ballerina.

- Really?

So tell me, what is it with women

and ballerinas?

I just pictured myself in the ballet.

It's not like I had

a lot of training or anything.

I mean, I actually never really

had a lesson...

...and, um, haven't seen a ballet.

You've never been to the ballet?

- Mm-mm.

- Wow.

- I'd love to take you to the ballet.

- You'd love to go to the ballet?

I didn't say that. I'd love to take you

to the ballet. I'd drop you off.

Later on I'd pick you up

and we could go to a ball game.

Oh, I get it.

- Ha, ha.

- I had a lot of fun tonight.

You like sushi? I know this really

great little sushi place...

I don't eat sushi.

That we're never gonna go to

because I hate sushi.

Oh, hi. Hi, Jess.

Uh, this is my work friend, David.

David is an accountant.

David, this is Jessica, my babysitter.

Uh...

So, you know, everything looks great.

Spreadsheets.

Spreadsheets.

See you at work.

Yeah, see you at work.

So how was dinner?

- Oh, well, you know, it was just for work.

- Yeah.

- That's a really pretty dress.

- Thank you. What do I owe you?

Do you know that your kids

are the only ones that I babysit for...

...that wanna stay awake so that they

can see their dad when he gets home?

Yeah, I mean, they fight with everything

they have to keep their eyes open.

And don't get me wrong...

...no, your kids are really excited to see

you when you get home too, Ms. Weaver...

...but not a lot wanna stay up for Dad.

Honey, what are you trying to say?

Batshit crazy.

Jessica, uh, what...?

- Let me give you...

- I don't want your slutty money.

Sweetheart, what's the pro...?

What's wrong?

"Slutty money"?

Kids.

Kids. Ice cream.

- I knew it. I knew it.

- Yeah. I'll be right back.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, God.

Hello?

- Hi, Cal.

- Hi.

Um...

So...

...I'm just calling, um...

...because I'm in the basement...

...and I'm trying to get

the water heater working, um...

...because the pilot light's out

and I don't know how to relight it.

So I'm sorry to bother you.

No, no. It's fine. That's fine. Call me...

I'm glad you called about this.

- I'll just walk you through it, okay?

- Okay.

All right, so there's a gray door.

You see the gray door?

- Yeah.

- Okay, just slide that down.

Okay.

There's a red button

with the word "push" on it.

I wrote the word "push" on it?

So you push it.

And you turn it to the right.

I got it.

And then just put the match in.

Oh, there it goes.

Just have to slide the gray door

down again and you're good to go.

Oh.

Well, thanks, Cal. I appreciate your help.

Oh, you know what? Just call anytime

with stuff like that. That's...

Oh, yeah. Uh...

Yeah. Oh.

Sure.

So I'll talk to you soon.

Yeah, and, um...

Thanks again.

No, that's... My pleasure.

Don't want you to blow up the house.

Bye.

Bye.

- Dad, can we go to McDonald's?

- Uh, no.

Why not?

Check it out.

Only reason they play them

is they're catchy.

- Thank you.

- Here you go, sir.

Now, does it come in sheets...?

Oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8.

Standard 4 by 8, your 3/4 inch stock. Yeah.

- Now, this is for my wife.

- Oh. That's nice.

It has curtains.

- Oh, hey, Cal.

- Hey, Bernie.

- Hi, Mr. Riley.

- Hi, Mr. Riley.

- How's it going?

- Oh, good.

I'd love to catch up,

but I'm doing something to the house later.

Kind of in a rush.

Thanks for the cologne.

Do you know if this is chintz?

- Hello?

- Cal.

- Jacob.

- Oh, my God, it's alive.

Hey, sorry I kind of dropped off

the grid there, pal.

You left me in my hour of need,

my friend.

Yeah, well...

...I'm in a bit of a situation.

A pickle, if you will.

- I got no one else to call.

- Ha, ha.

- I met a girl.

- Oh, really?

I'm spending all this time with her

and she is a game changer.

She's a game changer? No way.

So much so I'm going to meet

her mother right now.

A mother and daughter. That's very

Wilt Chamberlain-esque, even for you.

- What is the matter with you?

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