Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #8

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- Ha, ha.

I don't know what to do.

I need some advice.

You might actually have to answer

some personal questions about yourself.

You gotta smile a lot.

You've gotta be charming.

Definitely don't be yourself.

That's what you've got for me,

don't be myself?

- Ha-ha-ha.

- Great. Thanks for nothing.

Do you wanna get a?

Do you wanna get a beer next week?

You have my number.

And, you know, don't worry about tonight.

You'll be fine.

- Good for you, by the way.

- See you, buddy.

Honk. You gotta get that fixed.

- Okay. All right.

- Let's go.

Va-jay-jay.

... out of this fourth inning

with just one run in.

He's right on the verge of a big hit

knocking him out of the game here.

He's staying in there,

very competitive today.

No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

No, leave him. Let him go.

He can handle it. Let him go.

Honey! Get out of my purse.

Stay out of my purse!

Do not take those keys! Do not take those

keys! I'm not letting you take those keys.

You're not following your father!

Stop it!

No! No! Let your father handle it.

You're not to see that man again!

That man's a pervert!

- Stay out of it!

- No!

Is that pervert sexting you?

Hey, baby.

What are you wearing?

Dad's here. I have to blindfold you.

- Why? What's he doing?

- Just come on.

Hate this. Bad.

Is this something

I'm gonna have to clean up?

Mom, no, don't worry about it. Keep going.

- Honey, honey, I really can't see.

- Mom, I got you.

Two. Right now we're on the ground.

One more step.

- Three.

- Three. Yay.

Mom, no more steps.

We're on the ground.

Mom, relax.

It's your husband, not al Qaeda.

Hi, Em.

Oh, hey. Can I take this off now, please?

- Nope, not yet.

- Oh, what's this?

- I hear you, gigglepuss.

- Do it.

May I have your attention?

Many years ago, in the hallway

of Woodside Middle School...

...Cal Weaver saw Emily Boyle

for the first time.

Cal, are you seriously gonna do this

in front of the kids?

Mm-hm.

If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to

take her upstairs and put the TV on loud.

All right. Well, we may as well wait

for your daughter.

- She's right here.

- No, no, no. I mean our other daughter.

- Hello?

- Nanna.

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, sweetheart.

- Hi.

- What's going on?

Oh, I don't know. Some game.

He won't let me take this dumb blindfold off.

- Cal?

- Is that him?

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

- Wait, do you guys know each other?

- What's going on?

- What are you doing here?

- Hey, Nanna.

- Hi, Robbie.

- Hey, Nanna.

- Hi, cutie.

Jacob, it's so nice to meet you.

I've heard so many wonderful things

about you from Nanna.

- I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?

- I am.

I couldn't say Hannah.

How do you know my dad?

She couldn't say her H's at all.

Okay. I'm having trouble understanding

what's going on right now.

- Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend.

- No, it's not.

- I was bringing him over to meet Mom.

- No. No. No, no, no.

- I wanna see the boyfriend.

- I can't breathe.

Can I take this off?

Cal, what are you doing

with a daughter that's grown up?

I was 17. That's why we had to get

married so young.

- You should have told me.

- Never wanted me to talk about my children.

- Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now.

- That's fine. Why don't you go do that?

- Yeah. Can I come?

- No.

So you guys, like,

really know each other, then.

Oh, screw it. This is ridiculous.

- Honey, he's really cute.

- No, he's not.

Look at you. You're really a mother?

I don't believe it, sister.

Let me get this straight.

So you guys are a thing.

You guys are a couple, right?

You guys are together?

- Yeah.

- No way. Break up right now.

- Daddy?

- Please don't call him that.

- Cal, that's not gonna happen.

- Then I will mess you up.

- Dad.

- Cal.

- Cal.

- Jessica?

Bernie?

Daddy, no.

I let her babysit for you,

you son of a b*tch.

- She's only 17 years old.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, God.

- No idea what you're talking about.

- Aah!

- Bernie.

Daddy, no. No, no, no. Stop it.

- Dad.

- Jacob! Oh, God.

Stop it. He didn't do anything.

- He doesn't know.

- Is your back okay?

- Know what?

- Know what?

Is this some kind of a skit?

Because I'm lost.

- Argh!

- No.

- Aah!

- No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy.

He didn't even know

that I'm in love with him.

- With who?

- With him.

- You pointing at me?

- You pointing at him?

She's pointing at him? Oh.

Wait. My dad is the older guy

you've been seeing?

- I knew it. You...

- He doesn't know about the naked photos.

- What?

- Jessica.

You made him naked photos? Seriously?

- I'm gonna beat you till your brains fall out.

- Timeout, timeout. Hold on.

- But I love her.

- Jessica's the one you're in love with?

Excuse me, Emily?

- You left your sweater in my car.

- Oh.

- Who are you?

- David Lindhagen.

- David Lindhagen?

- David Lindhagen.

Okay.

- Is this a bad time?

- Yeah.

- Unh.

- Jacob.

Know how much pain and suffering

you caused my friend?

- Stay the hell away from my daughter.

- Ow.

You stay away from my daughter.

- I don't even know you.

- Stop it.

Oh, my God. That is not...

What are you grabbing?

- Really? Really?

- Come on.

Let go of me! Let go of me! Let go of me!

- Come on, she's my daughter.

- Stop it. Stop it.

I'll kill you.

So...

Okay, wait. Which one of you

is Lindhagen again?

Hagen.

I'm just gonna write,

"Domestic disturbance, all clear."

Thank you, officer.

Just simmer down, okay?

We all have arguments.

But if you're gonna fight, just do it inside.

Keep it in the family, okay?

I will kill you.

Let's go.

- Daddy?

- Now.

- Daddy?

- Now.

Cal.

Come on.

Honey.

This guy is a lowlife,

he is a womanizer.

- That's ironic.

- Excuse me?

I know him.

I have witnessed him in action.

- And you are not to see him anymore.

- Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him.

Okay. Okay. Well, then we have

nothing more to talk about.

- You're being unreasonable.

- Get out of my house.

This is not your house anymore.

Well, you made damn sure of that,

didn't you, sweetheart?

- Bye, Nanna.

- Bye, cutie.

She's all yours, David.

- Fantastic.

- Nice.

Go big or go home, right, bud?

Go home, Dad.

- Did you see the headline today?

- What?

It says that you should call your dad.

No, it says,

"Let's move on child obesity." Ha, ha.

No, it doesn't.

- I'm not gonna call him.

- No, it says you really should.

Can I get you another?

- What time is it?

- 2:
30.

In the afternoon.

"Two-thirty" would have been sufficient...

...but thank you for the judgmental tone,

cocktail servant.

I'm sorry...

Sorry for being a dick.

Nice sweat suit.

What do you want?

- Uh, can I sit down?

- I don't know, can you?

Are we gonna be adults about this,

or we gonna...?

"Are we gonna be adults about this?"

- It would mean a lot to me if we could talk.

- Are you still seeing my daughter?

- Yes.

- Then I have nothing to say to you.

Been hanging out here a lot?

Sometimes.

- You been missing a lot of work?

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