Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #9

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- I have a lot of vacation days.

You know what? You have a lot of nerve.

Do you wanna do your shot?

She probably spit in it,

so, no, thank you.

Your kids miss you, Cal.

You're hanging out with my kids?

That's great.

Teach Robbie how to objectify women.

He'll love that.

You know it's his eighth-grade graduation

next week.

You gonna go to that?

Of course I'm going.

I just didn't know. You haven't really been

around. I don't think he knows either.

I haven't been around for him?

That's what you're telling me?

You know,

he's not my biggest fan right now.

- He thinks I stole his soul mate.

- He worships you, Cal.

- Is the parental advice over? Because if so...

- I'm in love with her.

I love her.

I don't know what I was doing

before this.

And I don't know what to do about it.

It's not something I can really stop.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- You love her? You love Hannah?

- Yes.

Tell me about it.

Tell me how much you love her.

I'm just...

Look, Cal, it's not something

that I wanted, okay?

I looked at people who were in love...

...and I thought

the way that they were behaving...

...and the things that they were doing

and saying...

...they appeared pathetic, honestly.

And I spent all this time with you,

I'm trying to make you more like me...

...and it turns out I just wanna be...

I need that drink.

You gonna make me do this?

I gotta really do this?

I had Hannah when I was 17.

I taught her how to ride a bike.

I taught her how to drive a car.

And I'm glad for you.

I'm happy for you, that you've changed.

I think it's fantastic

that you're a better man.

But I've seen too much already.

- No. I know. I know too much.

- I know. I know.

And it's Hannah.

And she's too good for you.

I agree.

I'm never gonna give you my approval.

You're a good dad, Cal.

Yep. Yep.

She spit. She spit in that.

Guys, I need you to pay attention.

Do not cut the line. I need everyone

to stay in your positions, okay?

Guys, check your ties.

Make sure everything is nice and neat.

Ladies, when you're on stage...

Mommy, look. Robbie's name.

Excuse me. Is this open?

- How close?

- Yeah, that's fine.

Good afternoon.

Welcome, parents, family and friends.

We're so pleased to have you here

to celebrate this graduating class.

And now, to introduce

our first student speaker...

...our very own Kate Tafferty.

- She's pretty.

- Ugh.

Our first speaker is not only

the class salutatorian...

...but is also...

...one of the most spirited young men...

...I've ever had the pleasure of teaching.

Ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Weaver.

- Whoo!

- Robbie!

Welcome, class of 2011.

Our time as middle schoolers

has come to an end.

We can't fight it anymore.

We're getting old.

All my life I wanted to grow up.

I wanted to grow older

so people would take me seriously.

It all sounded so good to me.

Growing up, getting a job,

getting married.

But...

...it's all a scam.

And love?

That's the biggest scam of all.

I was in love.

And I know that makes some of you laugh

because I'm only 13...

...but whatever. I was.

And I used to think, and really believe...

...that there was one true love

for everyone...

...and if you fought hard enough

for that person...

...your one true love

would always work out.

It sounded good to me when I was younger,

but it just doesn't work that way.

- There is no such thing as one true love...

- Stop.

Sh*t.

- Oh, boy.

- Okay.

All right. Ahem. Excuse me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What are you doing?

- What are you doing?

I was wrong, Dad.

There's no such thing as...

I, uh...

Um...

Oh. Well, here's the thing:

My son's graduation speech sucks.

That's not a joke.

In fairness, I didn't know

where he was going with that.

But I think we can all agree...

...it was headed

in a kind of depressing, um, way.

My son... Not him, my actual son.

Believes in grand romantic gestures.

He believes in the existence...

...of one's soul mate.

And it's easy to just look

at a 13-year-old and say:

"You don't know what you're talking about.

You are wrong."

But I'm not so sure.

I met my soul mate

when I was 15 years old.

We went out for ice cream.

After, my dad started teasing me

about my first date, the way dads do.

And I told him, "Dad, it's no big deal.

I'm gonna be going out with a lot of different

girls on a lot of different dates."

And that is the first time

that I ever lied to my father.

I met my soul mate

when I was 15 years old...

...and I have loved her

every minute of every day...

...since I first bought her

that mint chocolate chip cone.

I have loved her through the birth

of my three perfect children.

I have loved her

even when I've hated her.

Only married couples

will understand that one.

And I don't know if it's gonna work out.

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't give you that.

But I can promise you this:

I will never stop trying.

Because when you find the one...

...you never give up.

Do you have anything you'd like to say?

I still love you, Jessica.

And I love you, Emily.

I loved you ever since you first

changed my sister's diaper.

I loved you when you came into

my bedroom and I was under the covers...

- Stop him.

- No, no.

- What's he talking about?

- I'm not ashamed of it.

Okay, we're good, we're good.

Oh, there's your mom. Let's go say hi.

Hey.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

There she is. My perfect girl.

Hi.

Okay.

So I bought a firearm...

...from a shady Internet site...

...and I am prepared to shoot you with it.

Come here.

Take care of her.

This is gonna be fun.

This is gonna be fun.

I'm gonna talk to my friends.

Go hang with the other high schoolers.

Go ahead, see if I care. I don't care.

I'm really glad you came.

So am I.

You were a really good babysitter,

Jessica.

I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

- I thought you weren't giving up.

- I'm not.

But I just figure...

...you like my dad...

...and in a few years I'll look like him.

I'll come for you then.

That's not a bad plan.

But...

Well, until then...

...just a little graduation gift

to get you through high school.

Thanks.

So...

Can you...?

- Why...?

- Take care, Robbie.

Holy crap.

- He looks pretty happy.

- Yeah.

- God, I hate that haircut, though.

- Ick.

- I know. He looks like a sheepdog.

- Mm-hm.

Oh, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!

It's been a really hard year.

How so?

Yeah, there were a couple little blips,

I guess.

- I know.

- I guess I just, you know...

Really what I want to say...

...is that I'm so glad you bought me

that ice cream.

Me too.

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