Crazy Famous

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WELCOME TO MY UNIVERSE

HERE IT'S JUS THE TWO OF US

I'M COMING THROUGH

YOUR SPEAKERS:

AS CLOSE AS I'LL GE TO BE WHERE

EVERY DAY ANOTHER PERSON

WRITES ANOTHER SONG

HOPING THAT TODAY

IS THE DAY:

THAT YOU WOULD SING ALONG

YOUR SYMPATHY:

IS PART OF ME:

TO PAY FOR ME:

YES!

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD SEE

WHAT A STUPID SONG

COULD MEAN:

TO SOME KIDS:

LIKE YOU AND ME:

OH, OH

OH:

OH, NO, NO, NO

OH...

[MAN] BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

ANYONE CAN BE FAMOUS,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY NEED

GOD-GIVEN ABILITY TO DO IT,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

YOU GO OUT THERE

AND SHOOT UP:

A CROWDED MOVIE THEATER.

THAT'S JUST WRONG,

BUT IF YOU'RE MOTIVATED,

YOU CAN GET YOURSELF

ON A REALITY TV SHOW,

OR JUMP CARS ON A MOTORCYCLE

OR... OR MARRY A MOVIE STAR

OR SIMPLY FIND A WIFE

WILLING TO HAVE 20 KIDS.

AS FOR MYSELF,

MY BEST SHOT AT THE LIMELIGH IS TO BUDDY UP

TO THE PRESIDENT.

I JUST NEED THE ATTENTION

OF THE MEDIA FIRST.

SO YOU JUMPED:

THE CAMP DAVID FENCE

TO BE ON THE 11:
00 NEWS?

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY INVENTIVE,

HUH?

[CHUCKLES]

HEY, WHERE'S

ALL THE TV CAMERAS?

- TV CAMERAS?

- AND REPORTERS.

I THOUGHT I'D BE DOING

A BUNCH OF INTERVIEWS BY NOW.

- I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

- THERE'S NO INTERVIEWS,

MR. MARCUS.

THERE'S NO REPORTERS

OR CAMERAS EITHER.

IT'S JUST US.

JUST US?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

I DON'T GET IT.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE

BIG NEWS.

PEOPLE... PEOPLE JUMP THE WHITE

HOUSE FENCE ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T THINK CAMP DAVID

HAS THE SAME IMPACT.

I UNDERSTAND THE PRESIDEN - WASN'T EVEN THERE AT THE TIME.

- REALLY?

MR. MARCUS, CAN YOU IDENTIFY

THE PRECISE POIN WHEN YOUR PREOCCUPATION

TO BE FAMOUS:

- INITIALLY MANIFESTED?

- EXCUSE ME?

WHEN DID YOU FIRST TRY

TO BECOME FAMOUS?

FIRST TIME?

THAT'S EASY.

[WOMAN] I HAVE SOME REALLY

BAD NEWS FOR YOU, THOMAS.

YOUR DOG WAS HIT BY A CAR.

HE DIED.

I'M SO, SO, SORRY.

NO, REX? NOT MY REX.

NO, REX. PLEASE.

DID YOU TEACH HIM

THAT VOICE?

HE CAN...

- THAT'S IT?

- YEAH, MORE THAN ENOUGH.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT A YOUNG BOY TO

CRY WITHOUT PROPER MOTIVATION?

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, NEXT!

TAKE A SEAT.

TYLER, WELCOME.

[MUTTERING]

TYLER.

[TYLER]

NO, REX.

NOT MY REX.

NO...

[SOBBING]

REX, PLEASE!

YOU CAN STOP.

THAT WAS...

THAT WAS AMAZING.

I ACTUALLY FELT SOMETHING.

- OH, MY GOD.

- YOU'RE FANTASTIC, TYLER.

AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

EXIT THAT WAY.

ALWAYS DIFFICULT WHEN FANTASY

AND REALITY INTERSECT.

[MARCUS]

YEAH.

AFTER I SQUASHED

MY MOM'S DREAMS,

IT WAS MY DAD'S TURN.

GET A LITTLE ARC IN THERE.

- NOW, PAY ATTENTION.

- OKAY.

[GRUNTING]

JUST KEEP GOING.

KEEP GOING.

AN ELDERLY LADY:

[DOCTOR] DID YOUR DAD

GIVE UP AFTER THAT?

[MARCUS]

NOT YET.

HE WAS DETERMINED

TO GET MY FACE:

ON A BOX OF WHEATIES.

IF I WAS GOING TO MAKE

A NAME FOR MYSELF,

I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO I ON MY OWN.

[CHEERING]

GO! GO! GO!

GO, GO!

[COACH WHISTLE BLOWS]

TOO SCARED TO MAKE A SOUND

- [COACH WHISTLE BLOWS]

- [WOMAN] WINNER!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

- [VOMITS]

- [OTHERS GROAN]

YOU KNOW, MR. MARCUS.

IF SOMEONE HAS ASPIRATIONS

TO BE FAMOUS,

IT'S USUALLY A PREREQUISITE

THAT THE INDIVIDUAL HAVE

SOME SORT OF:

EXCEPTIONAL TALENT OR SKILL.

- WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?

- CAN I BORROW YOUR CELL PHONE?

THERE MUST BE A PIC OF ME A CAMP DAVID GOING VIRAL BY NOW.

BASED ON YOUR FAILED ATTEMPTS,

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME

YOU FOCUSED:

ON MORE ATTAINABLE GOALS?

THIS IS NOT FAIR.

WHAT ABOUT THE COUPLE THA CRASHED THE WHITE HOUSE DINNER?

THEY WERE ALL OVER THE NEWS,

AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN

CHARGED WITH A CRIME,

SO WHY AM I HERE?

MR. MARCUS, ONLY .001% OF US

WILL EVER TRULY BE FAMOUS.

WITH THOSE ODDS, I THINK

IT'S IN YOUR BEST INTERES IF YOU EMBRACED

A NORMAL LIFESTYLE

LIKE 99.99% OF THE POPULATION.

CAN I HAVE A NEWSPAPER?

THERE'S GOTTA BE

AN ARTICLE ABOUT ME.

LISTEN.

I WENT THROUGH YOUR FILE.

YOU NEVER FINISHED COLLEGE.

YOU DRIFTED FROM JOB TO JOB,

NO SIGNIFICANT OTHER,

NO CLOSE FRIENDS.

I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T EVEN

TALK TO YOUR PARENTS.

WE'RE WASTING TIME.

I NEED TO STRIKE

WHILE THE IRON IS HOT.

MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

THIS CONCEPT. ALL RIGHT?

CAN I PLEASE GET THE NUMBER

OF THE PUBLICIS THAT I LEF IN MY COAT POCKET?

- CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

- MR. MARCUS,

IF YOU DON'T OVERCOME THIS UNREALISTIC

OBSESSION, A WELL-ADJUSTED...

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

HUH?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WANT ME TO SAY

THAT I'LL BE AN AVERAGE NOBODY?

- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

- JUST CALM DOWN...

AN AVERAGE NOBODY

WITH AN AVERAGE LIFE

DOING AVERAGE THINGS?

WELL, IT'S NOT AN OPTION!

I CANNOT BE PAR OF THE 99.99%.

I HAVE TO BE FAMOUS!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

- THAT'S WHAT I'M MEANT TO BE.

- MR. MARCUS, YOU NEED TO CALM YOURSELF DOWN.

SO IF IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN,

WHY DON'T WE JUST END IT?

WHY DON'T WE JUST END IT,

OKAY?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHA THE F*** I'M GOING THROUGH.

- LET IT OUT FOR ME.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I STILL GOTTA TRY.

WHY DON'T I JUST END IT?

- GUARDS!

- YOU WANNA SEE ME END IT?

- GUARDS!

- I'LL DO IT.

I'LL DO IT.

[MUTTERING]

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

YOU CAN'T...

STOP PUSHING AROUND.

[SOBBING]

EVERYBODY STOP PUSHING

ME AROUND.

[GROANS]

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

EXCUSE ME?

I SAID,

"YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG."

YOU NEED:

A SHARP VERTICAL CU INSTEAD OF A PUNCTURE MOTION.

HEY, LOOK...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HELPING YOU.

JEEZ, YOU COULD SHOW

A LITTLE GRATITUDE.

- GRATITUDE?

- UH, YEAH.

YOUR WAY WAS GOING TO BE

QUITE MESSY,

NOT TO MENTION PRETTY PAINFUL.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OU LIKE THAT, DO YOU?

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

[CHUCKLES]

I'VE HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE.

THREE FAILED ATTEMPTS,

TO BE EXACT.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

I'M HANNAH RENNER,

BY THE WAY.

UH, BOB.

YOU'RE A PALINDROME?

TALK ABOUT KARMA.

MY NAME'S ACTU...

ACTUALLY ROBERT.

[SIGHS]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

LOOKS LIKE WE GO A LITTLE SUICIDE WATCH, HUH?

LET ME GUESS. YOU F***ED

A GOAT AT A PETTING ZOO.

NO?

MAYBE YOU TOOK A PISS

IN A BATHROOM SINK

AT A 5-STAR RESTAURANT?

OH.

YOU'RE ONE OF

THOSE CONVENTIONAL TYPES.

YEAH, YOU PROBABLY LOOKED

IN THE MIRROR:

AND DECIDED THAT CHUGGING

A WHOLE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS

WAS THE BEST OPTION, RIGHT?

I... I JUST WANNA BE FAMOUS.

FAMOUS?

[CHUCKLES]

WELL, YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY,

REAL GOOD COMPANY.

SHAKE HANDS...

HA HA HA...

WITH POPULAR TV PERSONALITY

AND WORLD RENOWNED PSYCHOLOGIST,

DR. PHIL.

[IN DR. PHIL'S ACCENT]

YOU HAVE OCD?

PTSD?

OCPD?

- ADHD?

- THAT'S ENOUGH!

HE'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE

WITH ALL OF HIS ISSUES.

WHAT'S... WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

WHO, ME?

WELL, THEY SAY THAT I GO ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES,

BUT I DON'T SEE IT.

THEN AGAIN,

THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME

WHERE I TOLD THIS DOCTOR

THAT I WOULD SHANK HIS FACE

AND EAT HIS BRAINS

WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE.

HE HAS IED, INTERMITTEN EXPLOSIVE DISORDER.

- I DO NOT.

- DO, TOO.

- I DO NOT.

- DO, TOO.

- I DO NOT!

- DO, TOO, LARRY.

- STAY THE F*** AWAY FROM ME!

- PHIL!

CONTROL YOURSELF.

THESE F***ERS ARE ALWAYS TRYING

TO MESS WITH MY HEAD.

YOU KNOW?

PATIENT USES FOOD AND ANGER

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