Crazy Famous Page #2

---

TO COPE WITH HIS AVOIDANCE

IF HIS INSECURITY ISSUES.

[DEEP BREATHES]

YOU THINK I'M LIKE

EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HERE.

BARKS AT THE MOON.

WELL, I'M NOT,

YOU HIGH-AND-MIGHTY A**HOLE.

BESIDES, YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING

THE ANTI-SUICIDE SMOCK, NOT ME.

LISTEN, KID.

I'M GONNA MAKE THIS EASY.

YOU'RE AVERAGE.

YOU'RE LIKE VANILLA

IN AN ICE CREAM SHOP.

THE ONLY CHANCES YOU HAVE

OF BECOMING FAMOUS

IS RUNNING THROUGH

A FIELD DURING THE SUPER BOWL,

RUNNING TO THE 50-YARD LINE,

AND PUTTING GASOLINE

ALL OVER YOURSELF

AND LIGHTING YOUR F***ING ASS

ON FIRE.

IN THE NEWS,

WORLD RENOWNED UROLOGIS AHMED ABIN HABIDI

RECENTLY RELOCATED

FROM THE MIDDLE EAS TO A RESEARCH FACILITY

IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

TO WORK ON:

A UROLOGICAL INNOVATION

KNOWN AS THE BLADDER PROJECT.

- HE'LL BE IN THIS FACILITY FOR THE NEXT...

- THERE HE GOES AGAIN.

WHO'S HE?

HE'S THE CRAZIEST DUDE

IN THE INSTITUTION.

HE'S GOT THIS WHOLE

EURO-FLASH THING.

HE THINKS HE'S JASON BOURNE

OR ETHAN HUNT.

DOESN'T TALK TO ANYBODY.

JUST MUMBLES ABOUT CONSPIRACIES

AND BIN LADEN:

AND SOME COCKAMAMIE BULLSHIT.

BIN LADEN?

ISN'T HE ALREADY DEAD?

EXACTLY.

I KNOW WHERE HE IS.

YOU KNOW WHERE WHO IS?

BIN LADEN.

BIN LADEN?

HEY, NUMB NUTS,

BIN LADEN BOUGHT IT YEARS AGO.

NOT REALLY, OLD CHAP.

THAT'S WHY THEY SENT ME HERE.

WHO THE F*** ARE THEY?

I BELIEVE HE'S HAVING A RECURREN SCHIZOPHRENIC DELUSIONAL THING

- WHEREBY HE THINKS...

- YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!

I SAID, "WHO ARE THEY?"

- THE CIA.

- CIA? YOU?

OH, YOU'RE REALLY OFF

THE RESERVATION.

NO WONDER YOU'RE INVOLUNTARY.

OH, MY DEAR P*SSY,

I'M ONLY INVOLUNTARY

BECAUSE THEY SET ME UP.

WHO THE F***

ARE YOU CALLING P*SSY?

- F***ING CALL ME P*SSY?

- I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

GET OFF OF ME.

GET OFF ME.

- LET'S GO.

- GET YOUR F***ING HANDS OFF ME!

LET'S GO!

GET OFF ME!

COME ON, F***ER. COME ON!

LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

HE'S VERY EXCITABLE.

[MUTTERING]

[BOB]

MISTER?

UH... MISTER?

SMITH.

UH, SMITH.

DO YOU REALLY KNOW

WHERE BIN LADEN IS?

I MOST CERTAINLY DO, FELIX.

AND IF YOU CAN GET ME

OUT OF HERE,

I'LL MAKE SURE YOU END UP

HAVING TEA:

ON THE TELLY:

WITH BARBARA WALTERS.

SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL US?

HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

TIME FOR A NEW BATCH

OF DELUSIONS.

YOU ARE AWARE:

THAT HYPNOTIC DRUGS

HAVE PROVEN:

RATHER INEFFECTUAL

IN CONVENTIONAL INTERROGATION.

I SUGGEST THE USE OF PLIERS

FOR THE EXTRACTION

OF MOLARS AND FINGERNAILS.

[CHUCKLES]

IN DUE TIME, MR. SMITH.

IN DUE TIME.

READY TO TALK:

ABOUT JACKPOT NOW?

NO?

STILL TIME:

TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

YOU'LL HAVE TO DO BETTER

THAN THAT, MY GOOD MAN.

[CHUCKLING]

LAST CHANCE.

GET ON WITH IT.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[SMITH GROANING]

[PANTING]

HOW'S THAT FEEL, MR. SMITH?

SHOCKING.

POSITIVELY SHOCKING.

SHALL I CONTINUE?

PLEASE! BUT DON'T STOP NOW,

OLD BOY.

MY SINUSES HAVE ALMOST CLEARED.

[CHUCKLING]

[GROANING]

HAD ENOUGH?

[STAMMERING]

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

TELL YOUR SUPERVISOR

I'M DONE.

[SIGHS]

IT'S NO IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION.

UNTIE HIM.

- HE IN YET?

- HE'S JUST FINISHING UP.

YOU CAN GO IN.

SO, HOW DID IT GO?

NOT GOOD, I'M AFRAID.

GOD DAMN IT.

I KNEW THAT SHRINK PSYCHOANALYTICAL

MUMBO JUMBO WOULDN'T WORK.

SMITH'S THE BEST, SIR.

OH, SECOND BEST.

OF COURSE, SIR.

MY APOLOGIES.

I PROMISE YOU THIS.

ONCE SMITH TALKS

OR WE FIND JACKPOT OURSELVES,

SMITH'S DONE.

NO TWO WAYS ABOUT IT.

HE'S DONE.

[MUTTERING]

UH... MR. SMITH?

DO YOU REMEMBER:

OUR BIN LADEN CONVERSATION?

JACKPOT.

EXCUSE ME?

INTELLIGENCE CIRCLES

COMMONLY REFER:

TO THE TARGET AS JACKPOT.

OH, OKAY.

UH, JACKPOT.

DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHERE HE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PREPARATION:

IS HALF THE VICTORY.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE PUSHY,

BUT...

[CHUCKLES]

COME ON.

JACKPOT'S DEAD.

JUST BECAUSE OUR LEADERS

SAY IT'S SO

DOESN'T MAKE IT SO.

BUT HOW DO YOU...

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I'M THE ONLY ONE PRIVY

TO THE DOCTOR.

DOCTOR? WHAT DOCTOR?

IF YOU HAD A SERIOUS AILMENT,

AND THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD

ASSIST YOU LIVED FAR AWAY,

WOULD YOU MOVE?

YEAH, SURE.

CONGRATULATIONS, OLD BOY.

YOU KNOW MORE:

THAN MY OLD COLLEAGUE DID.

A MAN OF MEANS MUST MAKE

HIS HEALTH A PRIORITY.

SMITH.

MEDICATION TIME.

GET ME OUT OF HERE, FELIX.

YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

[HANNAH]

HEY.

YOU SCARED ME.

WHATCHA DOING?

LOOKING FOR A WAY OUT.

WHY? YOU JUST GOT HERE.

I DON'T BELONG HERE.

FINALLY GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO

DO SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTAN AND BE SOMEBODY.

WHY ARE YOU SO HYPED

TO BE SOMEBODY?

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

IF I WERE FAMOUS,

LIKE REALLY FAMOUS...

PEOPLE WOULD SEEK ME OUT.

I'D HAVE VALUE.

PEOPLE WOULD:

FINALLY NOTICE ME.

[HANNAH]

IF BEING FAMOUS WERE SO GREAT,

THEN HOW COME:

ALMOST EVERY CELEBRITY

HAS TRIED SUICIDE?

WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?

WHY WOULD A CELEBRITY

TRY TO KILL THEMSELVES?

THEY'VE ALREADY MADE IT.

TRUST ME. ALMOST EVERYBODY

IN HOLLYWOOD:

HAS THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE

AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN

BEING BULLIED OR HATED?

BEING ANALLY RAPED

BY SANTA CLAUS.

NO, BEING IGNORED.

OUT THERE, I CAN ACTUALLY

BECOME SOMETHING.

IT'S A TOTAL WASTE OF MY TIME

BEING IN HERE.

- THERE'S NO BENEFIT.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

UH, THIS PLACE IS AWESOME.

NUMBER ONE:
YOU GE THREE SQUARE MEALS A DAY.

NUMBER TWO:

YOU GET UNLIMITED TIME

TO WATCH TV AND COLOR.

YOU GET TO KICK BACK

WITH COOL PEOPLE WHO SHARE

THE SAME PROBLEMS AS YOU.

THEY GIVE YOU THESE COOL,

COMFY CLOTHES TO WEAR.

PLUS, MOST IMPORTANTLY,

YOU GET THE UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

OF MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS

WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE

IS TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

NOW, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?

HEY, YOU WANNA ESCAPE WITH ME?

DUDE, DID ANYTHING I SAY

JUST SINK IN?

OH, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE,

BUT I GOTTA GET GOING.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

WHAT?

YOU GOT A LITTLE...

[WHISPERING] I'D LIKE

YOU TO JOIN OUR ESCAPE

SO WE CAN CAPTURE BIN LADEN.

WHAT?

I NEED A GUY:

WITH STRENGTH AND SIZE

IN CASE THINGS GET PHYSICAL.

I'VE ALREADY RECRUITED

DR. PHIL.

THERE'S AN ESCAPE

PLANNING SESSION

IN MY ROOM IN ONE HOUR.

OKAY?

YOU ACTUALLY TOOK

SMITH SERIOUSLY?

YOU'RE SO GULLIBLE, MARCUS.

NEWS FLASH:
SMITH ISN' A SECRET AGENT,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT BIN LADEN.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- DUDE, YOU'RE SO CAUGHT UP

ON BEING ON THE COVER

OF "TIME" MAGAZINE

THAT YOU CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT.

BELIEVING IN SMITH IS LIKE

BELIEVING I'M A BALLET DANCER.

ALL RIGHT, FINE. IF YOU DON' WANT FAME AND FREEDOM,

THEN THAT'S YOUR LOSS. I GUESS THERE'S

SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO BEING...

STUCK IN THIS PLACE.

THAT ICE CREAM'S

FOR EVERYBODY.

SELFISH.

IT'S MY ICE CREAM.

IT'S MY F***ING ICE CREAM.

[MUTTERING]

MY F***ING ICE CREAM.

AFTER SOME DETAILED PLANNING,

THIS IS WHA WE'VE COME UP WITH.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT?

AND THIS IS THE WAY

- IT'S GONNA WORK...

- HEY, AM I LATE?

I THOUGH YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED.

I'M NOT.

BUT THE FACT THAT I GE A CHANCE TO SEE YOU WACKAZOIDS

CREATE A CLUSTERFUCK,

I WOULDN'T MISS THAT.

OKAY.

- LET'S GET STARTED.

- OKAY.

SMITH?

YES.

GENTLEMEN...

TO UNLOCK OUR ROOMS

AFTER LIGHTS OUT,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes