Crazy Famous Page #3

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WE'LL NEED

THE GOOD DOCTOR HERE

TO LURE THE ATTENDAN TO HIS ROOM

SO HE MAY LIFT HIS KEYS.

HOW DO YOU SUGGEST I DO THAT?

PERHAPS A MOCK SEIZURE

OR THREATEN:

TO KILL YOURSELF.

JUST THREATEN?

HEY, EINSTEIN,

EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY

OF THIS PLACE:

HAS SECURITY CAMERAS.

AND THERE ARE GUARDS

EVERYWHERE.

YOU WON'T BE ABLE

TO LEAVE THIS FLOOR,

LET ALONE THE FRICKING DORM.

WELL, WE CAN AVOID

THE CAMERAS:

BY...

[CLEARING THROAT]

IT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

DON'T... DON'T WORRY.

WE HAVE A PLAN. WE JUST...

WE JUST HAVE TO HURRY.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU TAKING

SUCH AN INTERES IN SOMETHING, BOB.

[BOB]

THANKS, PHIL.

THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK.

NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE.

[LAUGHING]

NOW, THAT FELT GOOD.

THAT'S THE WAY

IT IS, HUH?

JUST BECAUSE:

OF SOME LITTLE WHITE LIE.

HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

BUT REMEMBER...

I'M IN CHARGE NOW.

SO YOU BETTER START FLAPPING

YOUR GUMS ABOUT JACKPOT.

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,

I'M GONNA MAKE SURE

YOU SH*T BRICKS IN HELL.

[MAN GROANS, SOBS]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNT, THUD]

SHH.

WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING

ANY PANTS, PHIL?

SO THAT MY GENITALS

MIGHT BREATHE AS I SLUMBER.

[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]

HEY, OPEN UP MY F***ING DOOR.

[MUTTERS]

OH, THAT'S A RELIEF.

I THOUGH HE WAS UNCIRCUMCISED.

[DR. PHIL] WE CAN USE THE AIR

DUCTS TO GET PAST THE CAMERAS.

THAT'S YOUR PLAN?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

OH, SH*T.

OH, SH*T.

[DR. PHIL] SOMEONE'S GONNA

HAVE A TIGHT FIT IN HERE.

[MUTTERS]

HEY.

GUYS...

SMITH'S NOT IN HIS ROOM.

WHAT?

SH*T!

YOU GUYS OKAY?

WE GOTTA FIND SMITH.

WE CAN'T ESCAPE WITHOUT HIM.

WELL, HE'S PROBABLY

IN THE OBSERVATION ROOM.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE WAY.

[LARRY]

OH, JEE... GOD.

WHY DO THEY TREAT HIM

THIS WAY?

GOOD QUESTION.

IN SPITE OF SMITH'S

CONSTANT HALLUCINATORY STATE,

I HAVE YET TO SEE HIM ONCE

FLING POO SINCE HE'S BEEN HERE.

FLING POO?

WELL, THE TECHNICAL TERM

IS SCATOLIA.

IT'S THE CREATIVE ART OF THROWING

AND SMEARING ONE'S FECES

AS A FORM OF PROTEST.

THAT'S NASTY.

PURE HATRED:

IN SOLITARY CONFINEMEN IS ENOUGH TO BREAK

EVEN THE HARDEST PATIENT.

WE'RE ALL JUST ONE BAD DAY AWAY

FROM EATING EACH OTHER'S FECES.

THAT'S MY THEORY, ANYWAY.

WELL, MY WILLY'S CHILLY.

I'M OFF TO GET SOME PANTS,

GENTLEMEN.

SMITH. SMITH!

SMITH!

YOU OKAY?

AH, FELIX.

AREN'T YOU RATHER LATE

FOR A TURN-DOWN SERVICE?

SEEMS I'M HAVING

A SLIGHT MALFUNCTION

WITH THE ROTATING BLADE

ON MY WRISTWATCH

YEAH, YEAH,

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND, FELIX.

A GOOD FRIEND INDEED.

[LARRY] WHO THE HELL

CHOSE THE PECKING ORDER?

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM NOW, LARRY?

BESIDES HAVING DR. PHIL'S

VERTICAL SMILE IN MY FACE,

I'M JUST DANDY.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

[PASSES GAS]

MY CLAUSTROPHOBIA'S

PRODUCING EXCESS WIND

- IN MY BUTTHOLE. [PASSES GAS]

- SOMEBODY SHOOT ME.

[DR. PHIL]

HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE.

[PASSES GAS]

SHH.

[DR. PHIL]

SLOW IT DOWN.

[WHISPERING]

OH, SH*T.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

- WHAT? WHAT?

THERE MIGHT BE AN ALARM.

BEAUTIFUL.

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

[WHISPERING]

GO, GO, GO.

OH, JESUS.

[LAUGHING]

- F*** YOU, MONTGOMERY!

- SHH, SHH.

STOP!

OH, COME ON.

HOW DID YOU GUYS

GET OUT OF YOUR DORMS?

WELL, WE... WE...

WE GOT A LITTLE TURNED AROUND

AND...

YOU ALL BETTER GET BACK INSIDE

BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT.

THERE'S NO NEED

FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

JUST PUT THE KETTLE ON, FELIX.

[GRUNTING]

YOU'RE RIGHT, OLD CHAP.

SOMEBODY DID GET HURT.

[SIGHS]

IT'S THAT WAY.

- WHICH WAY?

- OVER THERE.

OTHER WAY.

THAT WAY. LET'S GO.

SORRY.

SORRY.

[BOB]

SMITH!

THERE!

SMITH, WHERE DO WE GO NEXT?

SMITH. SMITH!

DUDE, YOU'RE PUMPING

A DRY WELL WITH THIS GUY.

SMITH, WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU.

SO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER

AND TELL US WHERE WE'RE GOING.

142 KENSINGTON WAY.

THAT-A BOY.

WHAT'S THE ZIP CODE?

- [TYPING ON KEYBOARD]

- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

THEY GOT OUT.

GOOD.

FOLLOW THEM.

AN AMC GREMLIN?

WHERE ARE WE GOING NEXT?

I CAN'T DIVULGE INFORMATION

AT PRESENT.

YOU CAN'T... WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

YOU CAN'T DIVULGE?

WE'RE

IN THE F***ING BLIND HERE.

WE'LL NEED WEAPONS.

WEAPONS.

THAT'S IT?

FOR NOW.

WE'RE ON A MISSION

TO HUN ONE OF THE MOST WANTED MEN

IN THE WORLD,

AND THAT'S ALL YOU TELL US?

WELL, PATIENT EXHIBITS PARANOID

PERSONALITY DISORDER,

CHARACTERIZED BY PERVASIVE

DISTRUST OF OTHERS.

WE'RE ALL ON BOARD, SMITH.

LET'S... LET'S GET IT DONE.

[HORN HONKS]

WELL, DEFINITELY NO FOR HOPLOPHOBICS.

WHAT'S A...

WHAT'S A HOPLOPHOBIC?

ONE WHO HAS AN IRRATIONAL FEAR

OF FIREARMS.

THOMPSON, MY GOOD MAN.

I'LL NEED YOU TO EQUIP ME

WITH A SUBFUSIL STERLING L2A1

FOR THIS MISSION.

SUBFUSIL STERLING.

AIN'T NOBODY BE ASKIN'

ABOUT THAT GUN:

LESS'N THEY'RE BRITISH ARMY

OR SOME SOR AGENT.

WE'LL NEED

FOUR .9MM HECKLER & KOCH

MP5 SUBMACHINE GUNS,

EACH EQUIPPED WITH A PELICAN M6

LIGHT FRONT SIGHT MOUN AND A THOUSAND ROUNDS

OF 9MM PARABELLUM AMMO.

ALSO AN M79

.44MM GRENADE LAUNCHER

WITH SUB-CALIBER INSERTS

AND 12 GAUGE AMMO.

AND, FINALLY, FOUR STEEL

MONOLITHIC BODY ARMOR PLATES

ALONG WITH FOUR NIGHT OPTICS

THERMAL IMAGING BINOCULAR GOGGLES.

AND SOME CAMOUFLAGE...

THE SMOCK'S

REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

AND MORE FOOD. WE NEED MORE

FOOD, FOR CHRIST SAKE.

YOU FELLAS FROM THE CIRCUS

OR SOMETHING?

CAN WE GET SOME HELP, PLEASE?

WHAT YOU INTEND ON DOING

WITH ALL THIS WEAPONRY?

WE'RE GOING TO KILL...

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

YOU CAN'T JUST BLURT IT OU LIKE THAT, YOU A**HOLE.

HE'S GONNA THINK WE'RE CRAZY.

WELL?

UH, I CAN SELL YOU MOS OF WHAT YOU WANT NOW,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PASS

A BACKGROUND CHECK.

B... BACKGROUND CHECK?

YEAH.

AND, LOOKING AT YOU FELLAS...

IT'LL BE A MUCH NEEDED

BACKGROUND CHECK.

ALL RIGHT?

LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.

ANY OF YOU FELLAS EVER BEEN DISHONORABLY

DISCHARGED FROM THE MILITARY

OR RENOUNCE:

YOUR U.S. CITIZENSHIP?

EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME

PUNISHABLE BY MORE

THAN ONE YEAR IN PRISON?

MORE THAN ONE YEAR?

EVER BEEN CONVICTED

OF ANY DRUG CRIMES?

DOES THAT INCLUDE USING?

EVER BEEN DECLARED

LEGALLY INCOMPETEN OR MENTALLY INCAPACITATED?

WELL, THAT WAS FUN.

LET'S GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE.

WAIT.

WE NEED WEAPONS.

SORRY,

I CAN'T HELP YOU FELLAS.

- YOU NEED MORE TARGETS?

- YEAH.

[MUTTERS]

WHOA NOW. WHOA.

CAN YOU HELP US NOW?

MOVE REAL SLOW.

REAL SLOW.

YOU FELLAS DON'T WANNA WIND UP IN A

WHOLE HEAP OF TROUBLE NOW, DO YOU?

NO, NO, WE JUST...

WE DON'T NEED

A BACKGROUND CHECK.

THAT'S ALL.

THAT... THA SHOULD COVER EVERYTHING.

ALL RIGHT.

[BOB PANTING]

[CHUCKLING] FELLAS, I FOUND

THE GRENADE LAUNCHER.

OH...

LOOKS LIKE A BAD CASE

OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

[DIALING PHONE]

THEY WON'T GET FAR.

[LARRY] THAT WAS NOT SMART.

THAT WAS NOT SMART AT ALL.

WHAT THE F*** WERE YOU

DOING BACK THERE?

SMITH SAID WE NEEDED GUNS

TO CAPTURE BIN LADEN.

CAPTURE BIN LADEN? YOU'RE STILL

THINKING ABOUT BIN LADEN?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT GETTING

THROUGH THE DAY.

OH, WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?

DUDE, ARE YOU HIGH?

WE JUST BROKE:

OUT OF AN INSTITUTION

AND COMMITTED ARMED ROBBERY

IN THE SAME DAY.

YOU DON'T THINK ANYBODY

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