Crazy Famous Page #4

---

WAS GONNA RAISE A BROW?

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE HARDENED

LIFERS ESCAPING FROM PRISON.

GUYS, LOOK, I PAID FOR THE STUFF

AT THE GUN STORE.

- WE'RE FINE.

- YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.

AT LEAST I HAVE AN EXCUSE WHY

I'M AT MONTGOMERY, BUT YOU...

YOU'RE GENUINELY CRAZY.

YEAH, THERE'S NO GRAY AREA

WITH YOU.

YOU ARE CERTIFIED

THE REAL DEAL.

[SIREN WAILING]

OH, SH*T.

OH, SH*T!

LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR

A SPORTING GAME OF LEAPFROG.

[LARRY]

DON'T WAVE AT THE COP!

OH, SH*T.

OH, SH*T, HE'S GETTING CLOSER.

[DR. PHIL]

WELL, LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S AS HUMAN AS THE ABCs

IT'S AS TALL

AS A REDWOOD TREE

IT'S AS SHARP

AS THE DEVIL'S GRAVITY

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS 123

IT'S AS HUMAN...

HE'S GAINING ON US!

OH, GOD!

WE GOT A COP... LOTS...

[SCREAMS]

YOU'VE GOT YOUR EYES

OPEN WIDE IN THE GARDEN

YOU, YOU KNOW IT...

THIS GUY'S ON OUR ASS

LIKE LIBERACE.

SMITH, DO SOMETHING SECRET-AGEN LIKE TO SHAKE THIS GUY.

VERY GOOD, P*SSY.

TIME TO TEST OU THOMPSON'S MODIFICATIONS

ON OUR DEFENSE MECHANISMS.

NOTHING.

THAT USUALLY DOES THE TRICK.

DO SOMETHING!

WELL, THIS SWITCH ACTIVATES

THE EJECTOR PASSENGER SEA FOR ALL PASSENGERS.

- SO SHOULD WE GIVE IT A GO?

- [BOB AND LARRY] NO!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

PLEASE TELL ME:

IF IT'S TOO LATE

AND I'LL GIVE UP

[BOB]

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

DON'T GET YOUR KNICKERS

IN A TWIST, FELIX.

- LET'S GO.

- GO WHERE?

DOODLETOWN, NEW YORK.

- DOODLETOWN?

- THAT'S CORRECT, P*SSY.

- DOODLETOWN.

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S A RELIEF.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA FIGHT ARMED

SOLDIERS DEEP IN THE HEART OF PAKISTAN.

THANK GOODNESS THE MOS WANTED MAN IN THE WORLD

IS HIDING BEHIND THE COUNTER OF

SOME DOODLETOWN CONVENIENCE MAR MAKING SLUSHIES

AND WEEK-OLD HOTDOGS.

LET'S GO.

TIME TO COMMANDEER A NEW MODE

OF TRANSPORTATION.

- NEED TO INSPECT THE GUNS.

- YOU DON'T NEED TO INSPECT THE GUNS.

LET ME INSPECT MY GUN.

I NEED TO INSPECT THE GUNS.

I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE

HOLDING THE GUNS.

I'M THE MOST WELL ADJUSTED

OUT OF ALL OF US.

LET ME SEE THE GUN SO I CAN

MAKE SURE THAT IT FIRES WELL.

[BOB] DID YOU HAVE TO BRING THE

GRENADE LAUNCHER WITH YOU?

IT'S A LITTLE HARD

TO KEEP INCONSPICUOUS...

WE NEEDED THE GRENADE LAUNCHER,

OKAY?

DO YOU EVEN KNOW

WHERE DOODLETOWN IS?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW

WHERE DOODLETOWN...

MR. FLINTSTONE,

CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

UH...

I, UH, LOOK, KID. I THINK YOU GOT ME

CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T THINK SO.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THE GUY

ON MY VITAMIN BOTTLE.

GET LOST, KID.

UH, PATIENT LASHES OU AT CHILD.

INDICATES BORDERLINE TENDENCIES

FOR PEDOPHOBIA.

I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE,

YOU A**HOLE!

I SAID PEDOPHOBIA. IT MEANS

"INNATE FEAR OF CHILDREN."

OH, OKAY, BUT WATCH OU WITH THOSE ERRONEOUS LABELS.

MONTGOMERY HAS A BIG FILE

ON ME ALREADY.

WELL, YOU DO HAVE HSP,

AND THAT MEANS:

"HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON."

DON'T YOU TELL...

HOW APPROPRIATE.

A BUNCH OF MENTAL PATIENTS

IN A SHORT BUS.

WON'T BE HARD TO SPOT.

[MUTTERS]

WE GOT 'EM.

GENTLEMEN, WE'LL NEED A

SUITABLE PLACE FOR TRAINING.

TRAINING FOR WHAT?

FOR THE GUNS?

YOU CAN'T TANGO

WITHOUT A FEW LESSONS.

I GOT SOMETHING.

PUT 381 MACY INTO YOUR GPS.

[MAN] YEAH, WORK ON THAT.

WORK ON THAT ONE.

AND THEN TRY A HOOK.

TRY A HOOK SHOT.

I WANT YOU TO TRY IT RIGH HANDED AND THEN LEFT HANDED.

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

NICE. NICE. GOOD.

GOOD WORK.

WELL, THERE HE IS.

MAKING ANY PROGRESS GETTING

YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS?

WHAT DID YOU, UH...

- JOIN THE ARMY OR SOMETHING?

- IT'S FUNNY YOU ASK.

I'M ACTUALLY RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE

OF SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT.

IT'S GONNA MAKE ME

A HOUSEHOLD NAME.

OH, GREAT. WHAT IS IT?

WELL, I CAN'T SAY,

BUT, BELIEVE ME, IT'S HUGE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S...

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF ME

AND A FEW FRIENDS OF MINE

COULD USE THE SHOOTING RANGE

FOR SOME TARGET PRACTICE.

- OH...

- OH.

YOUR FATHER TOOK THAT DOWN

A LONG TIME AGO.

- YOU DID?

- JUSTIN,

GO OVER THE SONG ON PAGE NINE,

AND AFTER THAT, WE ARE GOING

TO REHEARSE YOUR LINES.

UH, REVERSE LAYUP.

WHY DON'T YOU DO

THE REVERSE LAYUP?

TRY A FEW MORE OF THOSE,

OKAY?

WHO'S HE?

THAT'S LITTLE JUSTIN FROM... REMEMBER?

THE BOY FROM DOWN THE STREET.

I THOUGHT HE MOVED AWAY

YEARS AGO.

HE WAS ON "THE YOUNG

AND THE RESTLESS" LAST MONTH,

AND NOW WE ARE PREPARING

FOR A DISNEY AUDITION.

- [GIGGLING]

- WE? HE'S NOT EVEN A RELATIVE.

HE'S THE NEIGHBORHOOD BOY.

WE ALL RAISED HIM.

I MEAN...

DON'T YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION

"IT TAKES A VILLAGE"?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'VE BEEN BUSTING MY BUT FOR YEARS

TRYING TO MAKE YOU

PROUD OF ME,

AND INSTEAD OF SUPPORTING ME,

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE STARTED

SOME SORT OF FUTURE-FAMOUS

TRAINING SCHOOL:

FOR WAYWARD STRANGERS.

THEY ARE NOT WAYWARD STRANGERS.

THEY ARE FAMILY.

YOU GUYS GAVE UP ON ME,

DIDN'T YOU?

- OH...

- NO.

WE... WE JUST REALIZED YOU

WEREN'T CUT OUT FOR STARDOM.

SO ONCE YOU LABELED ME...

A FAILURE,

YOU JUST WENT OUT AND FOUND

A COUPLE OF REPLACEMENTS.

NO, WE DIDN'T WANT TO PU ANY MORE PRESSURE ON YOU.

PRESSURE? OH, ALL RIGHT. SO THE FIRS TIME YOU SEE ME AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

AND SAY, "ARE YOU HAVING ANY PROGRESS

GETTING YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS,

THAT'S NOT PUTTING

ANY PRESSURE ON ME.

WHAT YOUR FATHER

MEANT TO SAY WAS...

TIME TO GO, FELIX.

OH, DON'T LEAVE LIKE THIS, BOB.

BERNIE, SAY SOMETHING.

HI, MR. MARCUS. THANKS FOR THE SNEAKERS.

I REALLY LOVE THEM.

- OH, GOOD FIT?

- OH, FIT LIKE A GLOVE.

THEY ACTUALLY GAVE ME, LIKE,

FIVE INCHES ON MY VERTICAL.

- WANNA SEE?

- SURE.

REALLY NICE.

I GOTTA GO.

[MOTHER SIGHS]

[PICKING SIMPLE MELODY]

THAT'S GOOD.

I GUESS THOMAS WOLFE

WAS RIGHT, HUH?

WE CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.

I GUESS.

BUCK UP, MARCUS.

YOU CAN'T LET NO DIPSHI STAND IN YOUR WAY.

YOU WANT IT, GO GET IT.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CHATTERING]

THIS IS GREAT.

THIS IS GREAT.

I TOLD YOU THAT SMITH DIDN' KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE WAS DOING.

TIME FOR A LITTLE HIKE, MATES.

SMILE.

SMITH. HEY.

SMITH, SO HOW'S OUR CHANCES

LOOKING?

FELIX, WE'RE AS GOOD AS BEING

DEALT A STRAIGHT FLUSH

IN FIVE-CARD POKER.

[LARRY GROANING]

HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

[PANTING]

- AGORAPHOBIA.

- AGORAPHOBIA?

AGORAPHOBIA, YOU A**HOLE.

I HAVE A FEAR:

OF WIDE OPEN SPACES.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WALK

WITH US:

IF YOU HAVE A FEAR

OF WIDE OPEN SPACES?

THERE'S NOTHING

AROUND US FOR MILES.

EXACTLY.

WOW.

YOU GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS.

ANGER ISSUES, EATING DISORDER,

AND NOW YOU...

THAT'S WHY I'M AT MONTGOMERY,

YOU DICKWAD!

UH... LOOK, WE GOT A PROBLEM.

HE'S GOT A FEAR

OF WIDE OPEN SPACES.

AGORAPHOBIA?

NO. NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, PHIL.

PHIL, HEY, HEY, HEY...

HEY.

RELAX.

WHAT?

N...

[MUFFLED GRUNT]

YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT WIDE

OPEN SPACES, MY DEAR P*SSY?

HEY.

WAIT! SMITH, WAIT.

STOP WALKING.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO OFF

BY YOURSELF.

WE HAVE A RENDEZVOUS

IN PRECISELY TWO HOURS.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR P*SSY.

SO WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOUR

CREDO "LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND"?

STEP ASIDE. I'VE NOT TIME

FOR RANK AMATEURS.

STOP WASTING TIME.

- NOW, MOVE YOUR BLOODY ARSE.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes