Crazy Famous Page #5

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- "BLOODY ARSE"?

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

I'M CURIOUS.

ARE YOU EVEN AMERICAN?

I AM RED, WHITE, AND BLUE

ALL THE WAY THROUGH, FELIX.

I'VE DEDICATED MY ENTIRE LIVE

TO THIS ONE DEFINING MOMENT.

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

TIME TO AVENGE 9/11.

[LARRY]

SCREW THIS!

SCREW THIS.

HEY, WHERE DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE GOING?

LARRY! WHAT IS GOING ON

AROUND HERE?

NOW IT'S EVERY MAN

FOR HIMSELF?

I CANNOT HANDLE:

ANOTHER FAILURE.

FAILURE?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW

ABOUT FAILURE?

UNLIKE YOU MENTAL DEFECTIVES,

I WAS NORMAL.

I USED TO BE:

A WALL STREET BROKER.

I HAD A BEAUTIFUL WIFE,

KIDS,

A HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS,

AND JUST OUT OF THE BLUE,

I GET LAID OFF.

SO, LARRY, LOSING A JOB

IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

NO! IT'S YOUR WIFE

SUDDENLY BAILING OUT ON YOU

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GIVE HER THE

LIFE THAT SHE'S USED TO ANYMORE.

IT IS HER FALSELY ACCUSING YOU

OF ASSAUL BECAUSE SHE TRIPS

OVER YOUR FOOT ON THE WAY OUT.

IT'S THE COPS LEADING YOU

OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

IN HANDCUFFS.

AND YOUR KIDS:

ARE FRANTIC, CRYING,

"DADDY. DADDY, DADDY!"

- I DIDN'T...

- TAKE IT FROM ME, MARCUS.

THERE COMES A POIN IN EVERYONE'S LIFE

WHERE YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE

A HARD LOOK:

AND SEE THE REALITY

AROUND YOU...

AND TAKE MATTERS

INTO YOUR OWN HANDS.

W... WHOA, LARE, LARE.

AFTER ALL, IF YOU

WANNA DO SOMETHING RIGHT,

YOU GOTTA DO IT YOURSELF.

NO! NO, LARE!

NO, LARRY.

LARRY, GIVE ME THE GUN.

PASS ME THE GUN.

GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.

[LARRY] GIVE ME THE GUN.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

GIVE IT TO ME!

GIVE IT TO ME!

NO!

[SOBBING]

IT'S OKAY.

GENTLEMEN, A CAR WILL BE TRAVELING

DOWN THAT ROAD FOR A HOUSE CALL.

OUR OBJECTIVE:

IS TO STOP THE CAR,

APPREHEND THE DOCTOR

AND THE NURSE,

AND TERMINATE ALL OTHERS.

TERMINATE? YOU MEAN...

YOU MEAN REALLY KILL?

LET'S BUILD

A LITTLE ROADBLOCK.

OH, THIS IS SHARP.

SOMEONE COULD GET HURT.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

SOMEONE'S COMING.

[SMITH]

PLACES.

KEEP AN EYE ON THE DOCTOR.

[MUFFLED GUNFIRE]

[SMITH GROANS]

THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.

[BOB]

WHAT'S WRONG?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO KEEP

AN EYE ON THE DOCTOR?

WE DID. WHAT, DID YOU WANT US

TO STOP HIM, TOO?

PUT THIS ON.

WHAT FOR?

YOU'RE GOING TO BE HIS NURSE.

ME?

YOU WANT TO BE FAMOUS,

DON'T YOU?

BESIDES, I'M THE WRONG GENDER

AND SKIN TONE.

WHAT, OH...

EXCUSE ME, TERRORIST.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?

I HAVE YOU COVERED.

PUT THIS ON.

"HUMAN HAIR."

I'LL TAKE CARE

OF YOUR COMPLEXION.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

YOU'LL NEED TO HIDE THIS

ON YOUR PERSON.

HIDE IT? HIDE IT WHERE?

I DON'T HAVE ANY POCKETS.

YOUR BUM MAKES A COZY PLACE.

- YOU WANT ME TO PUT THAT THING IN...

- UH-HUH.

[SIGHS]

IT'S REALLY BIG.

HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE I...

[GROANS]

[QUICK BREATHING]

[GROANING]

KEEP IN MIND, FELIX,

ONE FART GETS US ALL KILLED.

I'LL TAKE

AN EXTERIOR POSITION.

P*SSY, YOU STAY HERE

AND STOP THE DOCTOR

SHOULD YOU NEED TO.

STOP? STOP HOW?

[SMITH]

BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

WHATEVER YOU DO,

KEEP IT QUIET.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[SNORING]

[RAPID BREATHING]

[GROWLS]

[GROANING]

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[STAMMERING]

I... I FELL ASLEEP.

[CHUCKLES]

- MOVE.

- WHAT'S THIS FOR?

UH, OKAY.

- [MUFFLED GUNSHOT]

- [BODY THUDS]

[MUFFLED GUNSHOT]

[MACHINEGUN GUNFIRE]

[BOB]

SMITH!

GO!

- YOU JUST SHOT THAT GUY.

- [BOTH GRUNTING]

PAYBACK'S A B*TCH,

ISN'T IT?

- [MUFFLED GUNSHOT]

- [BODY THUDS]

NICE SHOT, FELIX.

[LARRY PANTING]

WE GOT HIM.

WE GOT HIM.

F***ING A, WE GOT HIM!

WE GOT HIM?

DUDE, WE GOT HIM.

I'M FAMOUS.

I'M FINALLY FAMOUS.

YOU POOR SACK OF SH*T,

YOU'RE FAMOUS.

WE'RE ALL FAMOUS.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

YES!

OKAY.

SO...

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WE KILLED HIM.

IT'S OVER.

I KNOW, DIPSHIT.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

WHAT DO WE DO?

HOW DO WE GET HIM OUT OF HERE?

D... DO WE CALL THE NEWSPAPER?

THE FBI?

DO WE HAVE THE NUMBER

FOR THE FBI?

LOOKS LIKE A GOOD TIME

TO TIDY UP A BIT.

LET'S GO.

SH*T.

WAIT, WHERE...

WAIT, WHERE YOU GOING? WE CAN' JUST LEAVE HIM UP THERE.

HAVE YOU EVEN THOUGH OF AN EXIT STRATEGY?

UH...

YOU DON'T HAVE

AN EXIT STRATEGY?

SMITH, CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?

AH.

SMITH,

THE PHONE WORKS BETTER

WHEN IT'S OUT OF YOUR POCKET.

I KNOW, P*SSY.

UNFORTUNATELY,

MY PHONE NEEDS A CHARGE.

WE JUST KILLED THE MOS WANTED MAN ON THE EARTH.

AND NOW WE CAN'T SHARE I WITH ANYBODY

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE

ANY BATTERY POWER?

UH, I... I GUESS

WE COULD WRAP HIM UP

IN SOME SHEETS:

AND THEN CARRY HIM OUTSIDE

AND... AND MAYBE TRY

AND GET A TAXI.

YOU'RE AN A**HOLE.

YOU THINK THAT WE

CAN JUST WALTZ OUT OF HERE

WITH THAT F***ER

AND HAIL A TAXI?

YOU DON'T DESERVE

TO BE FAMOUS!

- LARRY!

- [MAN] YOU CAN STOP NOW!

[LARRY]

WHAT?

WHO ARE YOU?

WELL DONE, SMITH.

YOU DONE YOUR COUNTRY PROUD.

WELL, THE HUNTERS

HAVE BECOME THE HUNTED.

BURN THESE WORDS

THROUGH YOUR BRAIN.

SHUT THE F*** U...

[MUFFLED GRUNT]

[MUFFLED GROWL]

SORRY, BOB.

[MUFFLED GROANING]

YOU'RE BACK.

W... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WELL, WE... WE GOT OUT.

I KNOW. WHA... WHAT HAPPENED?

[SIGHS]

NOTHING.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T THINK I

WANT TO BE A HOUSEHOLD NAME ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT'S PROGRESS.

A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE...

HE ONCE SAID,

"THERE COMES A TIME WHERE YOU

HAVE TO TAKE A GOOD, HARD LOOK

AT THE REALITY AROUND YOU,

AND EVERYONE'S ALWAYS

TELLING ME THAT I'M AVERAGE,

BUT I THINK I'M OKAY WITH IT.

SO DO YOU WANT TO BE FAMOUS?

NOBODY'S EVER ASKED ME

THAT BEFORE.

I AM.

I JUST THINK:

I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

[ATTENDANT]

MARCUS.

GROUP THERAPY.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

PATIENT IS CONTEMPLATING

EATING HIS FEELINGS.

WHAT'S UP, BRO?

HEY.

[WHISPERING]

WELL, BOYS,

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE BACK

IN YOUR NATURAL HABITAT?

HEY, I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE...

YOU'RE AGENT MUSTANG,

THE PRESIDENT'S

RIGHT-HAND MAN.

GUYS, DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?

THIS IS THE... THIS IS THE MAN

WHO SINGLEHANDEDLY

TOOK DOWN OSAMA...

[SIGHS]

SH*T.

LOOKS LIKE A LIGHT BULB

JUST WENT OFF.

WELL, I BELIEVE MR. MARCUS'

RECENT EPIPHANY:

IS DEEPLY ROOTED IN OVERCOMING

HIS FAMILY PSYCHOLOGICAL...

YOU MUST BE THE ILLUSTRIOUS

DR. PHIL, I PRESUME.

WHY... WHY, YES,

MY REPUTATION:

SEEMS TO PRECEDE ME.

IF I MAY...

PLEASE ALLOW ME:

TO OFFER YOU:

A SMALL TOKEN:

OF MY GRATITUDE.

FOR YOUR ADVANCED INTELLEC AND UNIQUE INSIGHT.

WHY, I'D BE HONORED.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA...

[CHUCKLING]

OH, COME ON.

YOU CAN'T FIGHT PURE GENIUS.

I KNEW THA WHEN SMITH GOT OUT,

HE WOULD LEAD YOU

RIGHT TO JACKPOT.

IT WAS AS EASY:

AS TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.

YOU WON'T GET AWAY

WITH THIS SH*T.

OH, BUT I ALREADY HAVE.

WHEN YOU BOYS TOOK

BIN LADEN DOWN,

THE LEGACY OF OUR PRESIDEN REMAINED INTACT.

AND AS FOR YOURS TRULY,

WELL...

I GET TO REMAIN:

UNBELIEVABLY FAMOUS.

BUT THE FACT IS:

THAT WE KILLED BIN LADEN,

AND NOTHING'S EVER GOING

TO CHANGE THAT.

OH, TRUE.

BUT IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER,

DOES IT?

YOU SEE, WHAT YOUR DERANGED FRIEND

OVER THERE NEVER UNDERSTOOD

IS THAT I'M THE GUY IN CHARGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

IT MEANS YOU'RE

A F***ING PRICK.

NO.

IT MEANS THAT YOU ALL

BETTER GE REAL COMFORTABLE

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