Crazy on the Outside Page #2

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- Rooms.

You eat it however

or wherever you want.

Nah. You know what?

Why don't I just eat it right here?

ou're right.

What am I waitin' for?

Speaking of France, Tom,

you think you'll be going back

there anytime soon?

- What do you mean?

- Well, it's just that,

statistically speaking,

people who go to France

and then get out of France...

usually end up back

in France.

- [Grandmother Screams]

- [Vehicle Approaching]

- [Horn onks, ires Screech]

- re we expecting anyone?

- [Engine Revving]

- ou stay. I'll go.

Good.

[Man, In Distance]

Hey, Tommy! Tommy!

[Revving Continues]

L-

l-I'm gonna go

take a look at that.

Excuse me for a minute.

I'll be right back.

[Viki] Get the hell out of here,

you pompous, two-bit-

[Viki, Man Continue rguing]

- s handsome as ever, Viki.

- ou stay away from my brother,

you cockroach!

[Revving Continues]

[Arguing Continues]

Slimemobile.

You're a big man, tough guy-

Hey! Hey, don't kick my car!

- [rguing Continues]

- Oh, yeah.

hat's what I'm talkin' about.

You let him take the rap

and go to prison.

ow's your bald-headed

little bastard husband?

- Get outta here before

I kick your car to pieces!

- [Man Laughs] Tommy!

[Horn onks]

[Car Departs]

[Folk Guitars Strumming]

- [Women Singing In French]

- uh.

- Grandma's little project.

- [Continues]

[Scoffs] Listen, Vik.

hat was Gray you were

talking to out front, wasn't it?

I sprayed pine in here.

Do you like it?

Viki. Viki, I can handle Gray.

I don't want him around

this house, and I don't

want him around you.

I'm out. I'm happy.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

I don't want

to lose you again.

You're not gonna lose me again.

I promise.

You're probably tired.

[Sighs]

Good night.

Good night.

mm.

Boy, it'd be so much easier

if you were here.

Christy?

Yeah.

I miss her. I just do.

I know, honey.

It was awful, and it was tragic.

But this is a brand-new chapter.

Listen, uh, it probably won't

come up, but you should know

that while you were in France-

an artist in residence

at the Louvre-

you got engaged.

ow nice for me.

o a beautiful young Parisian

named Simone...

who can't be with you

because she's training...

to be an astronaut

with the French space program.

- ow nice for her.

- Mom and Dad

would have loved her-

I mean, if they were alive

and she was real.

Good night.

[Man On P.A.]

Line 33, downtown L.A.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Hey, kid.

Yeah?

Where's the probation

department?

Down the hall.

What'd you do?

How would you feel if I asked

you a question like that?

Fine.

I didn't do anything.

Whoops.

Yeah, well, whose pee

do they think it is?

homas Zelda.

Nice talking to you.

[Sighs, Chuckles]

Sorry for staring,

but you're not quite

what I expected...

when the word

"probation officer" popped up.

Oh. Well, don't even

go down that road,

'cause I'll grind your nuts

and send them back to you

in a pepper shaker.

hat's more like it.

- Hey, Mom.

- Hey, buddy.

Uh, wait for me downstairs

in the cafeteria.

Okay, Mom.

[Lmitates Gunshot Softly]

homas Zelda.

All right, let's see.

An impressive list ofjuvies,

a couple of grand theft autos,

suspended, and then-

oh, and then the big vacation:

interstate fraud and video piracy.

Yeah. Well, I gave up

fresh fruits and vegetables

for three years...

so people in China could enjoy

Lars and the Real Girl.

Um, I want to get my son home,

so let me cut to the chase.

You do what I say, we meet once

a week, keep your nose clean,

and we won't have any trouble.

You'II be able to eat

off my nose.

Go to 1222 Victory...

and see Mr. Geissman.

I've lined up a job for you.

Um,

I don't need a job.

My dad had an industrial paint business,

and I want to start that up again.

And I want to be a ballerina.

[Paper ears]

Go.

Listen. You've probably

heard this a million times,

but I'm not like the other guys

that walk in here.

I'm totally, 100%o committed

to turning my life around.

And I know just how to do it.

I have all his old contacts,

and I'll start just the way he did-

by painting houses.

Let me be

your biggest success story.

I can do this.

Arr! Uh, welcome

to Pirate Burger, matey.

You gotta get

the whole pirate thing.

Really grind the "R."

Arr-r-r!

All right.

Arr.

Yeah.

We're gonna start you

in the back,

so let me get this vest-

Step one.

Pour the frozen potatoes

into the basket.

But you can't- I repeat, you cannot

lower the baskets into the oil...

till the green light comes on.

hen what?

That's it.

e's teachin' him the fryer

on the first day.

You wanna give it a try?

Could I?

[Man #2]

Oh, this guy's

gonna get burned.

Just like you

got burned.

[Manager] Yep, yep.

[Buzzer Sounds]

Light's not gettin; any greener,

Seaman.

- [ommy Grunts]

- [Screaming]

[Man #2]

Yeah. Drop it in the fryer,

watch the bubbles-

[Indistinct]

[Both Laugh]

[Chuckles]

ere, a head of lettuce

comin' at ya.

Not everyone picks

this up so fast.

Oh, you; re

a Major League pitcher now?

- Yeah, you throw

that lettuce at me-

- You're gonna do great.

[Man #2]

Don't start. Don't-

Don't even think about it.

[Both Continue Arguing,

Indistinct]

Where the hell is he?

I wanna eat.

It's his first day on the job.

Maybe he had to work late.

Yeah, probably had

some high-level meeting

about the milk shake machine.

I changed your sister's diapers

for 11 months after the accident.

Did I complain once?

Cut him some slack.

Okay. It's all right.

We'll wait.

God, I love the way

that shirt pulls in the front.

[Man On P.A.]

Line 29, Encino.

Of course my sister

never went to France.

What?

What? Nothing.

I think you said something.

No, just, I like those pants.

Shut up,

and you won't get hurt!

Where are we going?

[Muffled Protesting]

[ommy, Muffled]

Ow! My knee!

Where are we going?

[ommy, Muffled]

Hey, let go of me!

Where are we going?

Keep moving and shut up.

[ommy]

Come on!

Take the thing off my head.

Easy. Just take this off.

I haven't got- What-

- Surprise!

- [Laughing]

- Jesus, Gray!

- [Laughs] Were you surprised?

uh? Weren't ya?

I almost crapped my pants.

Get the man some new pants.

ow are ya? Ya look good.

Welcome home, scumbag.

Ah, thanks, man.

Looks like you're doin' great.

Yeah, you should see the office.

Come on.

Wow. Wow.

hese cars here, I give 'em

to girls I break up with.

Consolation prizes.

J'ai faim.

Let me guess.

"I'm hungry."

ere's the office. Huh?

[Chuckles]

Over the top, just like you.

It's not over the top. It's nice.

What's your pleasure?

You want steak, lobster, caviar-

yeah- Cindy? That's right.

I like the hair.

Thanks.

I shouldn't be here, Gray.

I knew you were gonna say that,

that's why I had to kidnap ya.

Hey, om.

Just relax, enjoy yourself

for a few hours, okay?

Besides, if you leave,

I'm gonna have to kill ya.

[Cork Pops]

Oh, you know what?

I got a few minutes.

Maybe I'll take one of those sausages.

Ah, I knew it. I knew it!

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