Crazy on the Outside Page #3

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Mitch, Mitch!

Eh?

I told ya.

Get him a sausage, okay?

nd wrap Cindy up.

e'll have her for lunch tomorrow.

[Door Opens]

You've been missed, my friend.

You've been really missed.

You've done real well.

here's six billion eyeballs in China.

hey gotta watch somethin'.

[Ringtone:

Mock Chinese Melody]

Oh, sh*t.

So, I'm, uh, gonna go freshen up.

You wanna come?

[Man; s Voice]

You better learn how to pick up

the soap with your feet, b*tch.

[Cell Door Slamming]

Welcome back.

I don't think so.

[Gray Speaking Chinese]

ll right.

Sorry.

hese Chinese guys

in San Francisco-

they're makin' me a mint,

but they're a pain in the ass.

hey really are. hanks, baby.

You know, not a Sunday goes by

that I'm in church lightin' candles...

that I don't thank God

you didn't rat me out.

In other words,

thank you, ommy.

A toast.

I toast you, I thank you,

and I want you back.

I don't care

what your fruitcake sister says,

I'm gonna take good care of you.

Salute.

Salute.

[Door Opens, Closes]

[Footsteps]

re you out of your mind?

Jesus, Vik.

You're home one day,

and you're back

with those people?

Come with me.

You scared the hell out of me,

sitting there in the dark.

Good.

What are you so ticked off about?

I'm a grown man.

Listen. It's your life.

You're darn right.

If you want to screw it up,

you can.

Where are we going?

What are we doing?

What are you gonna do,

lock me in the garage?

Dad's truck.

His first truck.

I was gonna wait

till it was waxed, but...

I don't think

there's any time.

[Chuckles]

Man, Vik.

his thing looks brand-new.

Don't lose sight of this, ommy.

Don't get seduced by Gray.

You can take Dad's old company

and make it new again.

You can do it.

I can't believe you did this.

I don't know what to say.

hanks.

hanks for everything.

I just wish Christy were here

to see all this.

If I could bring her back,

I would, okay- I mean, to-

so that you could have it all.

Uh, Christy would want you to do this.

She would want you to make it.

I'm sorry about tonight.

I know.

[Sighs]

New interior, new tire-

Everything's new. It looks great.

[Synthesizer Flute:

Sea Chantey]

Edgar, dab it.

Dab it. Don't slather.

You're an expert

all of a sudden?

Even an idiot knows a dab

from a slather.

So then why don't I just put

little dollops on it?

Now that's... a smear.

I hate this job.

ey, it's better

than slatherin' in prison.

Ex-cons? Really?

Never would've guessed.

Nice work on the Barnacle Buns,

om. Deft touch.

Thank you, Captain.

Got a little mess

on the poop deck.

Restroom. Lunch overboard.

Somebody barfed.

I need you to swab.

[Man] Can I take your order?

I'm picking up a Buccaneer Burger,

Frigate Fries and a vanilla Shipshake.

ye, matey.

Come on, Seaman om.

Swab the deck. Seaman?

- he poop deck is thataway.

It; s not smelling any fresher.

- [Tom] Just a minute.

Swabbie, when I give an order,

I expect your full attention.

Christy. Christy! Hey, Christy!

[Grunting]

She; s not dead.

uh. She's not-

[Echoing] dead!

[Whistle Blowing]

he doctor says not to worry.

he filling will pass

right through his system.

You told me she was dead!

Bye.

[Gasps]

[Man] What's goin' on?

It's all right, folks.

e's not a real pirate.

e's my brother.

Oh. It's okay.

You told me her car exploded.

Exploded!

[Knocks]

I need the room, Denise.

Well, Mr. Ballandorf

is getting his-

Denise, she needs the room!

You remember my brother.

Mm-hmm.

ello, Mr. Ballandorf.

ow are you?

Uhhh-

All right. I'm gonna tell you

something, but I really need you

to calm down first.

Okay. I'm calm.

First of all,

I love you more than anything

in the entire world.

You are my brother

and I never want to see you hurt.

hhh.

This is so hard for me.

[Moans]

Here.

[Sighs]

I want to start by saying...

I never liked Christy,

and I never thought

she was good enough for you.

Six months after you went in,

she dumped you.

No way.

She dumped you, ommy.

She wanted to screw around.

She's trash.

She wanted to tell you

it was over, and I wouldn't let her.

Why not?

I knew how hard it was for you

in prison. I didn't want her

to make it any harder.

his isn't happening.

Yeah, it is.

No, it's not.

[Mr. Ballandorf Sighs]

I have letters she wrote.

She wrote me a lot of letters.

That was me.

Excuse me?

I did it because I love you, Tommy.

I didn't want to see

you suffer anymore.

What about the sexual stuff?

Yeah, that was a little icky.

[Mr. Ballandorf Moans]

You're upset, aren't you?

[Sighs]

Why did you tell me

that she had died?

Well, Fritzi quit,

and I started working for Ed.

he kids got serious

about soccer.

It was the year we put on

the sunroom, remember?

And the letter writing was

just more than I could handle.

So I killed her.

[Moaning Continues]

Yep.

- Probably should turn the gas off.

- [Moaning]

[Gas isses]

- [Cell Phone Beeps]

- [Manager]

Sailor Tom, return the car right now,

or you will walk the plank!

hat means "fired," landlubber.

Arr, Cap'n.

[Engine Stops]

[Bicycle Bell Rings]

[Knocking]

Who is it?

It's me. ommy.

Oh, my God.

[Crowbar Clatters]

I just ate at Pirate Burger.

I know. I work there.

It's part of a probation deal.

Listen, I know you've moved on,

I know you fell in love

with somebody else, but, um-

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this is happening.

I know. My-

[Stammering]

I just- I wanted- wanted to do

is- is say that you, uh-

[Breathing Heavily] Yeah.

[Christy Moaning]

[Man On TV, Indistinct]

- [Man]

Flat panels, L.C.D. S, high-def plasmas-

- [Continues Moaning]

Rear projection Vs-

[Indistinct]

We got the largest selection

of big screens in the country.

[Laughs]

And when I say the country,

I mean the county.

So when it comes to

gettin' the best big screen,

there's no better person to see than me-

Frank Fabercini,

the Big Screen Genie.

In a recent national poll-

that I made up myself

for the purpose

of this very spot-

[ommy]

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

97% of the people agree,

size does matter.

[Springs Squeaking,

Increasing In Speed]

- Again?

- [Squeaking Resumes, Stops]

[Squeaking Resumes, Stops]

- Again?

- [Squeaking Resumes]

[Squeaking Continues, Faster]

[Furniture Rattling]

[Figurine Shatters]

[Squeaking Stops]

[Sighs]

Again?

[Operatic Soprano Vocalizing]

I thought you were dead.

Really? I thought

I was moving pretty good.

No. Viki told me

you were dead.

What?

Yeah, she thought,

while I was in prison,

it would, uh, protect me.

[Sputters]

hat is the-

You know, she never liked me.

In my head, I made

a million plans for us.

Tommy-

No. Marriage, kids, get

my own paint business going.

Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.

No, you gotta hear this.

I never stopped loving you,

even though my sister

told me you were dead.

nd I wanna start over.

I know we gotta start slow.

[Frank] Chris?

[Door Closes]

Sh*t.

Who's that?

Frank.

Christy?

Who's Frank?

[Whispering]

Frank. Frank is my boyfriend.

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