Creepshow 3 Page #5

Oh please, Doctor,

call me Grams.

Everybody does.

Okay, Grams.

Well, your eyes are shot.

You're 74 years old.

You've been battling

glaucoma for the last 10.

And you're past

the point of safe surgical correction.

Anything else I can

do for you while you are here?

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

What... what would

you recommend?

A seeing-eye dog?

Doctor,

please.

Come, Grams,

I'll get you a cab.

Oh, if there's

any movies that

you want to see,

don't wait.

Oh, God.

Another one down.

Okay, let's see here.

Yep, all right.

What you need is

a three-week prescription of

legal marijuana.

There you go.

Next.

Take two of these

three times a day.

When you're done,

call the emergency room.

Next.

Hi. What seems

to be the problem?

I don't know.

It seems like

everything's just

not going right.

Freight elevator

crushed my wrist.

Don't you need me to

take off my clothes?

Next.

Ming...

Ming Yee?

Is that Chink or Jap?

There you go.

Next.

You are funny today.

That's good. That's good.

We'll see how funny you are when I

break your arm again and reset it.

Next.

Got the ol'

black eye there, huh?

How did you get that?

Ming Yee.

Okay, here's what

it's going to be.

That be five dollar.

Thanks, man.

18mg of Viagra.

Merry Christmas.

Five doll...

Next.

Okay, what seems

to be the problem?

Sorry, hold on a second.

No, no, I'm listening.

Go ahead.

Nurse Jacobs,

I can't write

a prescription for ugly.

Take this prescription.

Go down to the pharmacy.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I'm sorry, what did you

say the problem was?

Have him bring

two bottles of wine.

The two of you

take the entire bottle.

Drink all the wine.

I guarantee you'll

never see me again.

Next.

Do you find

medicine stressful?

Sure.

You see, now's

the time we get to unwind.

There's a party tonight.

Do you want to come?

It's a kind of

a get-together.

It's ladies' night.

Maybe next time.

Hold you too that.

Hmm.

See you tomorrow...

on time.

On time.

Stop.

See anything you like?

No, sorry, I'm into

midgets right now.

Hey!

Aren't you the new doctor

in the clinic?

For you?

No, no, no.

Say, l-l...

I'm having real

bad pains in my chest.

Oh, Is that right?

Well, I'll you what,

I'm going in here and

I'm going to get laid.

Then I'll come back.

Meet me down at

the hospital and I'll give you

a bowel movement you

will never forget, okay?

Yah!

Whoo.

A**hole!

- Psst. Psst.

- Professor.

- Shh.

- What's up?

Say, those radios

you traded me

were a hit.

Do you have some?

I've already sold

one of them.

Do you have some

more for me?

Actually, I need

something from you.

What do you need?

Do you still have

that voodoo kit?

I have the voodoo kit.

The beginners' or

the advanced?

The very advanced.

Very advanced?

Then, Professor,

you're going to need

the chicken too.

That's what

you need.

- Yah!

- Okay, okay, I'll take the chicken.

You'll take

it, okay. Yah.

Hey, back so soon?

Absolutely.

What did you

bring me?

Ah...

You know the rules.

Gotta have new faces.

This doesn't work

without new faces.

I brought party

favors this time.

Okay.

Rachael.

Hey-ey-ey

everybody.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Thank you.

Mmm. You are

so welcome.

Sandra, my love.

Gorgeous, darling.

Ooh. Whoo.

Oh, look at you.

I do know you.

- Dr. Farwell,

- Dino, Dino, Dino.

How are you?

For your lovely lady there.

Hey, would you like

anything special?

Take 'em, take' em,

pass the them around.

- Make friends?

- You will make so many friends.

Hey, hey, hey.

I know you.

I know you.

Aren't you...

Hold on. It's going to come to me.

It's going to come to me.

Ah, ooh, lovely, lovely.

I will catch you...

Ooh, my, my, my.

My, my, you

look so good.

Everybody looking

good today.

Hi.

Mmm-hmm.

How are you?

You are nice.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Mmm-hmm.

Hello, honey.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let the real

party begin.

Where have you been?

Do you realize

what time it is?

Have you been out

all night?

No, I always wear the same clothes

for days at a time.

Phew!

Have you even slept?

Does it matter?

What have we got?

What have we got?

Um, I've got like

a little bit of

a pain right here in

that part of my wrist.

Okay, if you'll just take off your

clothes, we'll take a look at it.

So I'm working my door

at the club, right?

And this big huge guy

just comes right up to me.

He's like,

"Oh, I'm with Jim. "

I was like, "Who

the hell is Jim, man?"

So, Doctor, I have

this rash.

I'm sorry, if you'll take all

of your clothes...

hey, you know, why

don't you just bend over the table?

Take off your clothes and bend over

the table. We'll take a quick look.

But it's just right here.

You know, it's probably a symptom

of a deeper problem.

Let me grab my probe.

We'll take a quick look.

But what could I do

at the club?

I got it like two weeks

ago and it's really itchy and p*ssy.

Here you go.

Is there a girl

doctor who could...

No, honey, I'm the only

doctor in this town.

- I don't really want to do this.

- Oh.

"1-875-BIG-GIRLS, wow. "

- Are you f***ing joking?

- That's...

- Are you f***ing serious?

... for Hollywood girls, big and bold.

What kind of f***ing doctor are you?

Are you kidding me?

Here's your prescription.

Next.

- Is that your phone number?

- Mmm-hmm.

Mr. Rhodes,

this is Dr. Farwell.

He's our attending physician

for the next month.

He is here for a follow-up

on his daughter Dusty.

Dusty?

We thought she was

going to be a boy.

Thank you, Doctor,

for seeing us.

We haven't been able to see

a specialist yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang loose.

Okay, and a few

weeks ago...

blood test...

white blood count...

yada yada yada.

Oh, yeah,

there it is.

What is it, Doctor?

You been having

headaches, Dusty?

Sort of come and go

real quick?

Yes.

It's cause you

have a brain tumor.

Tumor? Is it...

is it cancer?

Inoperable cancer.

Okay, so there's

a tumor.

We understand.

Doctor?

Doctor,

what is our next step?

Um...

have you attended

your senior prom?

No, I'm a junior.

I'd find one to take her

to this weekend.

Can I get some

coffee?

What's wrong with you,

you jackass?

Could I get some

coffee, por favor?

You cannot just tell

a 15-year-old girl

that she's gonna die,

no questions asked.

Oh, come on,

the kid's a goner.

You don't want to sit

here and talk about it

for the next whatever,

do you, sweetie?

I'm getting some coffee.

Oh my gosh.

I'm back!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

That's right,

for you and you and you.

Whoo!

Let's party.

Breaking news just in.

Authorities believe that

the latest rash of

serial murders

has been committed

by a woman.

They believe she

may be a prostitute

and the local cowboys have dubbed

the culprit, "The Call-Girl Killer. "

She has claimed 10 victims

so far, all male.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Who are you?

Security.

Where's the regular?

The short guy?

Dirty looking,

on the slow side.

- Jerry.

- Yeah, Jerry.

- He didn't show up for work.

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