Crimes of Passion Page #3

Always proving themselves.

Perfection or bust.

Any friends? Oh, she gets

along fine with the other women,

but if you've got a penis,

you're in trouble.

She turns to ice. That still

doesn't make her a criminal.

It makes her a suspect. I don't

trust anyone that works that hard.

She must be hiding something. I

want you to nail her lily-white ass.

What the hell is this?

You think she's that dangerous?

It depends on

what you discover.

Paradise hotel,

on 4th and main.

Do you recognize me

tonight, child?

Ha! Well, if it

isn't my savior.

The reverend peter shayne requests

a few moments of repose upstairs...

in your holy of holies.

A reverend, no less.

You know, the last reverend

who tried to, uh, save me...

lived to regret it.

I chased him all around the church

until i caught him by the organ. Come on.

I make a great joan

of arc. Can't you tell?

I imagine you do spend a good deal

of time on your knees, my child.

Excuse us. We've got

business to conduct.

Hey, baby. How about a shot

of the grand canyon, huh?

Oh, sh*t.

Stick it there, rev.

What do you want?

I want to help you.

Admit you need it.

I need it.

With conviction.

Make me believe.

Oh, please, reverend. You're

so good and wise and strong.

Please. Please help this

sick, disgusting degenerate.

I deal in truth. I'm bringing you

something greater than a hard-on,

assuming you consider truth

to be greater than a hard-on.

Oh.

Depends on the hard-on.

Try it again, sinner.

First month i was married, i tried to

make my husband's favorite casserole.

Of course,

i made a mess.

So i cried to my best friend

peggy all week about it...

till i found out when i was in

the kitchen making the casserole,

he was in the bedroom

making peggy.

Don't glare at me.

You wear your anguish like

a breakaway chastity belt.

You wanted the truth.

What else are you selling?

This is the fantasy business,

reverend.

You can have

any truth you want.

And so can you. Isn't

that why you're here?

Isn't that

why you are?

I'm here to save you. Why don't

you f*** me? That'll save me.

Not from your disease. What disease?

I'm healthy as a horse. I'm fit

as a fiddle and ready for cock.

Whores and metaphors

don't mix. Who are you?

I'm cinderella, cleopatra.

Goldie hawn, eva braun.

I'm little miss muffett, i'm pocahontas,

i'm whoever you want me to be, reverend.

But what areyou

doing here?

Satisfying.

Who?

I think that the confessional

is about over.

Don't you want to be saveddo

you get that much out of this?

I get paid. But i'm not

interested in what you're selling,

only in what you're buying. Why don't

you assume the missionary position?

My purpose here is strictly

humanitarian. To make me see the light?

To make you see

through the bullshit.

You want truth, father?

I got the best truth in town.

So good, you wouldn't

know it from make-believe.

Is it?

If you believe it is.

Everybody needs something to

believe in, don't they, reverend?

Bow down thine ear, o lord, and

hear me, for i am poor and needy.

Preserve my soul,

for i am holy.

O thou, my god, save thy

servant that trusteth in thee.

Save him from this bigmouth cush

with a motor-driven ass who-

forgive me, lord. I speak not in vain,

but this little b*tch provokes me so!

Oh, jesus. At least

i can stay in character.

You couldn't even get

a walk-on in something,

unless it was you

that was being walked on.

I am the messenger of god,

you little cocksucker!

What's thisyour mailbag?

Let's see what's in it. No! No!

What is this? Top secret? No.

Come on. Let mama

have a little peek.

What have you got in here,

the holy grail? Come on.

Oh, my god. Oh, excuse me. Oh, god.

Need i remind you, jezebel,

that curiosity killed the cat?

Not until it

got out of the bag.

These are

the devil's playthings.

Those who touch them will burn. Put another

log on the fire, reverend. Let's see a sample.

It's a disgusting array.

Disgusting's my middle name, honey.

What have you got

in the bag?

God forgive me.

A tit pacifier. The

milk of human kindness.

Remedial, even in

a simulation.

A foam rubber

pretty kitty.

Already housebroken, and you can

teach it a wide variety of new tricks.

Comes with a battery pack.

It's in here somewhere.

An auto-suck. Modern technology at its

most compassionate, and it swallows.

This one is

a little on the blink.

Oh. Are you hungry?

How 'bout a

- a "beat me, eat me" licorice whip?

"The taste that leaves

its mark forever. "

Mm. Hey, no, wait a minute.

I'm not through here.

What else you got

in the bag?

What?

What the hell?

Is this a cruise missile

or a pershing?

What are you gonna do,

f*** someone to death?

You'd like to,

wouldn't you?

Only the right woman.

You better go.

Just when

we're making progress.

I can only handle

one revelation a night.

Enough of them and you might

be able to handle real life.

Real life, reverend.

Tell me your name,

or is that a tough one?

China blue.

I like it.

It's rather exotic.

Like something

out of charlie chan.

"B" movies have always

been my inspiration.

What's yours?

Going my way?

All you need to know about me

is that i intend to save you.

And all you need to do

is... be there.

Stay with me, china blue.

Trust me.

I'll free you.

Who are you? You're not

a reverend. Who are you?

I'm you.

"I will sing of mercy

and judgment.

"Unto thee, o lord,

will i sing.

"I will behave myself wisely

in a perfect way.

"I will walk within my house

with a perfect heart...

and i will set no wicked

thing before mine eyes. "

Not even the stupid douche bag who's

luring me under her rotten spell.

Snatch can't fool me, lord.

I'm not like the others.

I know her cowardly game.

A fear of men so great she can only

feel strength behind her facade.

"Who so slandereth his neighbor

will i cut off. "

Yeah.

I'll cut off, all right.

I'll cut off...

her little tits.

Why didn't you

come to me, phil?

I would have loaned you the money.

Hell, i would have given you the money.

Goddamn pride.

What about jail?

No pride in there.

Who thinks?

Cooper offered me

a fortune for the patterns.

L- i lost control.

Please, lou.

I'll work for nothing.

Anything you want, but what

this would do to sara and my boy-

i'll have to

think about it, phil.

Hmm.

I had to have someone around here to

talk to about this whole damn thing.

The man's been with me

18 years. I trusted him.

He was so moved that i did that

he broke down and confessed.

That's gratitude

for you.

I didn't know

my trust meant that much.

What do i do now?

Give him

another chance.

The man is a criminal.

Come on.

You heard his motive. Guy's only

human. He knows he was wrong.

God knows we've all

made mistakes.

Why ruin his life over one

mistake? What about the law?

Screw the law.

What good is he in jail? Besides,

he'll work twice as hard for you here.

And you can feel

like the king of hearts.

I don't know what's

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