Cuban Fury

1

'Salsa.'

'It was like something

from another planet,

'the music,

the passion, the rhythm.

'Once I put those shoes on,

I never wanted to take them off.

'It was like I had

fire in my heels.

'I was an unstoppable salsa machine,

trophy after trophy after trophy,

'all overseen by my

mentor, Ron Parfitt,

'great coach, hard bastard.'

Most people think you dance

with your feet. Bollocks.

You dance with your heart.

You dance with el corazn.

And Bruce, Bruce has got

a heart like a bison

and balls like an elephant.

'And by side, my sister

and dance partner, Sam.'

Thunder, Thunder, Thunder,

"ThunderCats". Ho!

Ten!

'We travelled the circuit,

'Berkshire, Buckinghamshire,

Bedfordshire,

'We won it all, every title going,

except one... the Nationals.

'Cuban heels, silk shirt,

1,000 hand-sewn sequins.

'I was ready to take on the world.

'But sometimes salsa just

throws you out for a spin.'

Oi, wanker, nice shirt.

Hey!

Come here!

'I don't know where I was when

I fell in love with salsa.

'But I know exactly where

I was when it stopped.'

Who do you think you are?

Barry Manilow?

'Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Nationals...'

'I never turned up that night.

'I just phoned him and told

him, "Salsa's for pussies."

'And I guess that fire in my heels,

'it just went out.'

Mm.

Oh, dear.

Mm.

'GFD Engineering,

'Western Europe's premier supplier

of high-end manufacturing

'and five-star

industrial machinery...'

- Bike.

- Oh, God.

Why do we have to do this

every morning? It's not a bike.

Not now it's not, but I just watched

you transform it on the monitor.

Look, I'll admit, for a while

outside it was a bike,

but now, piff, paff,

poof, look at that.

It's a piece of luggage.

Bike.

- F***ing hell.

- Juanita, buenos das.

Bruco, no.

No, no.

What have you gone for here?

This what you're wearing today?

I cycle in wearing it.

You just looked in your

wardrobe and thought,

"I think I'll just look like a

Maxi Babybel today." Was that it?

- Have you shaved?

- No.

Just lift your...

Some jam on your stubble.

Don't do that in front of everyone.

It's a big day, a big day, man.

Got the new boss

starting this morning.

I hear he's a ball buster.

Well, I hear apparently

he is a she.

You mean like a tranny?

- No.

- No.

- A woman.

- Oh... a woman.

What kind of a woman

wants to run a company

that specialises in heavy

industrial machinery?

I think I know.

Big, hairy.

- Big sort of big lump.

- A beast.

Might be perfect for you.

Hmm. Anyway, listen, this bike's

not going to park itself.

I'll see you up there, OK?

Don't be late.

I don't like my team to be late.

It's unprofessional, isn't it, bum flap?

There they are, Mork and Mindy.

Uh, Helen.

Can you not hear that?

- Hello, Bruce Garrett.

- 'Hello, Bruce.

'Do you like scary films?'

- What?

- 'I'm doing "Scream".

- 'You totally bought it.'

- Oh, hi, Drew.

'They're going to unleash

the beast, Bruce.'

Who wouldn't swap the crystal

blue waters of the Pacific

for the endless silted mud flats

of old Father Thames? Am I right?

Uh, and hopefully I can prove to you

that I'm a better sales manager

than I am a public speaker.

I bet she's got the bag

to go with them shoes.

- Mm?

- Her, United States of B*tch Face.

Little Miss I'm-So-American.

OK, I'm going to stop talking now.

Let's all have a drink.

Hear, hear.

- Oi.

- You were right, you know?

She is a woman.

And what a woman. Wow-wow-wee-wah.

I would make a splash inside that

like a milk truck hitting a wall.

Listen, can we not... Can we not

talk ejaculate at the buffet table?

Look at her, though. Look at

my little dairy queen, uh?

You see? You had

little a look, too.

- Oh, some tzatziki.

- Oh, that's cute.

No, it is. It's adorable, Bruce.

That's all right. You can look.

But don't touch 'cause that would

be embarrassing, wouldn't it?

- Just leave it to the experts.

- Sure.

- The sexperts. I just coined that.

- That's quite good, actually.

- Wasn't it?

- Don't!

Whoa!

Work time is over, motherfuckers.

Ah, I think we know

what that means.

That means, oh, oh,

it's party time.

That's right.

Who wants to come and play

with the dancing bear?

This one... This one loves

a little bear time.

- Oh, God.

- Come on.

- Not me.

- Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, there it is. You've got a little

bit of rhythm going on there.

That's it, see?

What are you worried about?

- She moves like a gem.

- Oh.

- Oh, yeah.

- What are you like?

And she loves a spin.

That was good, you see?

Oh, what about this one?

Little silent but

deadly in the corner.

- Stop it.

- You going to come dancing with me?

- Just a little something-something.

- Don't.

- What?

- I don't dance.

- Everybody's dancing.

- I don't dance. I don't like it.

All right, make yourself useful.

Oh, Oh.

Come on.

Oh, the line broke,

'cause it was a big fish.

What time is it? It's Cossack time!

Oh, yes.

Hey, Bruce!

Oh, you like it!

- Whoa.

- Whoa.

- Wow, I am so sorry.

- Sorry, I'm sorry.

We've got tangled here.

Let me try and get this... Ow!

- Ow.

- Ow.

Again, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

Where am I? Am I in England?

No, I'm fine.

Just... fine.

Maybe we should get

these untangled.

- Bruce Garrett.

- Bruce Garrett, that's me and...

- Julio Matthews.

- They printed it wrong.

But I like it, so I'm

going to keep it.

Yeah. No, you should.

I think it suits you.

Adds Latin flavour to it.

Oh.

I just want you to know I wasn't

trying to escape your party.

No, me neither. Why would anybody

want to leave that amazing party?

- Uh, shall we...

- Yes.

Well, what a pickle, a 3-D jigsaw.

Thank you. Nice to meet you, Bruce.

Likewise... Julio.

Mm.

Mm. Do you know what I like

best about this place?

Apart from the free glac cherries?

Apart from the free glac cherries,

the fact that they

still insist upon

my little sister dressing up

like a Tongan concubine.

Oh, they don't insist and I

prefer Polynesian call girl.

Mm-hm.

So talk me through

head-butting your new boss.

Well, actually, she might

have head-butted me,

but our lanyards tangled.

There was a struggle, you know?

Our heads went forward.

There was a crash, wallop.

Mm, sounds like she made

quite an impression.

- No, no, not this again.

- Oh, come on, Bruce.

You haven't even mentioned a girl

since, what, the early '90s?

Stand down, Samantha, please.

She is not of my world.

Oh and what world is that,

the world of not even trying?

Yeah, indeed, the planet She's

Beautiful, Way Out Of My League,

and also my boss, so

knock it on the head.

Oh, that well-known place. Is that

right next to precious comfort zone?

A place you've never even

stepped out of ever.

All I'm saying is that if

you really like something,

you've got to put yourself out there.

Got to reach out and grab it.

The cherries are not

that delicious.

I'm not talking about

the cherries, Bruce.

I would not like to be those tyres.

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