Cuban Fury Page #2

- Ouch.

- Ha-ha, yeah, very amusing!

It comes fitted with an 80-mil,

three jaw self-centring chuck.

Tool size, eight mil max. I mean,

you'd never need any more.

- Hey, hello. This is, uh, Ju...

- Oh, sorry, everybody.

Let me introduce you to the

brains of the operation,

our head of department,

Miss Julia Matthews.

Uh... I'm sorry. Keep going.

I was just going to sit in.

It's nice to have you with us.

- Are you done?

- Yeah.

- Any questions?

- What's the capacity?

- Ah, capacity.

- Ah.

- It's 250 mil between the centres.

- You really know your stuff.

Thank you. Thank you.

I... I love lathes.

Oh, while I remember, we can

also provide, um, promo videos.

- Isn't that right, Bruce?

- Mm.

Actually, I think we've got one of

those on this computer right here.

Not on that one.

Let me have a look.

Yeah, I think I saw the one for

the DML vertical lathe on here

- somewhere the other day.

- No.

- Wait, there it is. Hold on.

- Is it?

Yeah, this is a really good example

of the videos we can give you.

'Hello, with a Meehanite frame

annealed for maximum rigidity,

'it offers perfect jib-bed

flushing each and every time.

'The Haas ST30 turning lathe,

'it offers precision grinding

over full vertical stroke.'

This is what I think of when I'm

trying not to ejaculate too quickly.

OK, green fees paid, let's

play the game of golf game.

Please help me.

Are you still banging

on about those balls?

Well, yes, this one's

going to fly further,

but this one's going to give me

more control round the green.

If we've finished with

the high-brow chit-chat,

can we move on please

to the weekly roundup?

- Yes, yes.

- OK, ladies and gentlemen.

Totals for the week,

dates with a lady?

- Nil.

- Nil.

- Mobile numbers acquired?

- Nil.

I got a number. It was a zero.

Ah, erotic encounters?

Nilly vanilly.

Now, listen to this.

Last Sunday at Tom's christening,

I grazed past horny

Aunty Jean's side boob?

- Does it count?

- Adjudicator?

- It's a nil.

- I thought I'd throw it in.

Finally, have you had any contact

with a member of the opposite sex

where money did not exchange hands

and she looked at you for

more than eight seconds

and she was not your mum

or an arresting officer?

Nil.

Bruce?

Mm? Well, no, obvs...

Here endeth the weekly roundup.

Hurry up, Mickey!

Ah, thank you... very much.

- Oh.

- What is it?

- Sh*t. Nothing. Please don't look.

- What's wrong?

What are you doing? What is it?

- Please don't look.

- Who is it, hm?

It's just someone from work.

It's a girl I work with.

- Oh, my God, she's nice.

- Don't look. Stop it.

- Hey, turn around, will you?

- Oh, I would...

- If I was physically able...

- You're not dis...

You're not disabled,

Gary. You're married.

Go on, then. Have a go.

Did you see her? She's beautiful.

She's like a ten. I'm a two.

That's an eight-point swing, like a

butterfly going out with a parsnip.

- What?

- Yeah. Well, you know...

All right, I'm not saying

it's going to be easy.

You'll have to work at it.

It's like that, um,

that machine you're on about

for British Aerospace.

- The PL5 cylindrical grinder.

- Thank you.

She's the cylinder. Click-click.

You're the grinder, mm?

Just grind her down, uh, uh, uh.

- You grind her down.

- I don't like the two-finger bit.

Make her notice you, Bruce.

- Think I should say hello?

- Oh, don't... no.

Go up there and say

something like...

"Hi."

Oh.

Woo-hoo. Good luck, mate.

- Bruce.

- Yes?

Grind it.

Don't do that. Don't be daft.

'Salsa.'

Why did it have to be salsa?

'Eat them. Eat them pig boy.

Eat your sequins.

'Eat them. Eat them!

'Who do you think you are?

Barry Manilow?

'Eat them...'

Hey, Rick, have you seen my sister?

- She's over there.

- Sam, Sam. Sam, sorry.

- Give us a second.

- I need you.

She is of my world.

- Who is?

- Julia, my boss.

You stepped out of

your comfort zone.

I was at the pub. She came in.

I followed her.

And she was salsa dancing.

- Are you shitting me?

- Oh, my God.

She was doing the

sweetest little basic

and I just wanted to rush in

and gather her into my arms

and... and... just dance, you know?

I haven't... I have not

felt like that since...

- Sequin-gate.

- Since Sequin-gate.

You know that box has been

closed a long, long time.

I know. It happened and it was bad.

What did you say? Bad?

Sam... they ripped all the

sequins off of my shirt

and they stuffed them

in my mouth, yeah?

And then they made me eat them.

The big boys made me gobble them, yeah?

Just gobbling, gobbling sequins.

- Gobbling the big BMX boy.

- Know the story, Bruce.

- Gobbling.

- Enough's enough. Now, listen.

Maybe this is your chance

to rewrite history.

Let it go.

What are you thinking about?

These are f***ing hot

in large quantities.

Thank you.

F***ing hell, what is...

What is that?

- Vodka.

- Why would you give me neat vodka?

Now, listen, maybe

this is your way in.

You know how all girls

love a man who can dance.

You could dance.

If you really like this girl,

salsa your way in.

- I had fire in my heels, didn't I?

- Oh, feet of flames.

- Could I get it back again, though?

- Easily.

How easily?

See how I do this shot...

- That easily.

- That was easy.

- Mm.

- Can I have one?

- One?

- Mm-hm.

Salsa.

Mm.

Cheers.

Ah.

Salsa.

Salsa.

And the winner is...

Bruce Garrett.

There's Ron.

"Be my Valentine."

Mm, big old ginger Glen and Ted.

Mirrors, I need me some mirrors.

Ooh.

Heavy.

Oh.

Whoa.

Ooh!

Ah.

Uh...

Mm.

Can I have a Diet Coke and a

packet of Scampi Fries, please?

Well, you could if

I wasn't closing.

All right, Ron?

Garrett.

Well, what the hell happened to you?

You look like sh*t.

Charming. Thanks very much.

You got a customer complaints

department here at, er, El Corazn?

Oh, hang on, I'll

get a form for you.

There it is.

How did you find me?

Internet.

- F***ing internet.

- Internet.

Oh, yeah, how have you been?

Have you been all right? You good?

It looks nice in here.

OK, I think that is us

all caught up, then.

- What do you want from me, Garrett?

- Nothing. Just passing.

Wondered if you were

still teaching.

Oh, right, OK, just 'cause

I'm looking for a lesson.

- Are you taking the piss?

- No.

No, I'm not. I just want a

lesson, blow away the cobwebs.

- What do you reckon?

- I reckon salsa's for pussies.

- Isn't that what you said?

- Did I?

Oh, yeah, you did.

I don't really remember that,

'cause I was just a kid.

- And what are you now?

- I'm a man.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Pretty certain.

Hot in here, isn't it?

We'll see. Tomorrow

night, 7:
00 pm sharp.

Five quid on the door and I want

to see you in 1% inch heels.

Brilliant. Great, all right.

Thank you, Ron.

- Mr Parfitt.

- Thank you, Mr Parfitt.

Hey, where are we on

the Scampi Fries?

- Piss off.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

Come here, my babies.

Come to Daddy.

Oh, there you are.

- Thank you.

- One, thank you.

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