Damsels in Distress

- Look.

- Where?

There.

Yes. l think so.

Hello.

Are you a new student?

- Yes.

- Good. We thought so.

We'd like to help you.

Help me? What do you mean?

As a freshman, it can be very tough.

You get to college and it's supposed

to be great, but it's not.

University life can be pretty bad.

- There are a lot of suicides.

- Well, attempted ones.

l'm not actually a freshman.

l'm a transfer student.

- Oh, an entering sophomore?

- Yes.

You were unhappy

and are looking to recover here.

- Well, l think you will.

- Yes.

Would you welcome that? Would our

help be something you'd appreciate?

Or would you rather sink or swim

on your own?

- Either way is fine. We'll be friends.

- Yes, whichever you'd prefer.

Yes. Sure.

Great. We should start immediately.

Clothes can be crucial for confidence

and an overall sense of well-being.

- Clothes don't have to be expensive.

- You need friends of the same size.

- You don't like my clothes?

- l'm just saying. Move it out.

What? What's wrong?

- What's wrong?

- You didn't notice that?

- No. What?

- Those guys.

That smell. That awful, acrid odor.

Have you heard

of nasal shock syndrome?

Any harsh, acrid or just disgusting

odor sends Rose into nasal shock.

Just from some BO?

"Just some BO"? Oh, my God, Lily.

You must have

a very high threshold for pain.

That'll serve you well

at Seven Oaks.

- What do you mean?

- Seven Oaks is notorious for its BO.

lt was the last of the Select Seven

to go coed.

An atmosphere

of male barbarism predominates...

- ...but we're going to change that.

- Yes.

Where are you going?

Gotta get to the Housing Department.

They lost my rooming assignment.

That's terrible.

You have no place to stay?

Was it just mislaid?

No, there were more acceptances

than they anticipated...

...and not enough rooms

to go around, so....

Why don't you stay with us?

Really?

Don't think of this in the old-fashioned

sense of going to a party...

...to find someone

or not find someone.

That's not the dynamic

that we're talking about.

- What dynamic are you talking about?

- Glad you asked.

Our going to a party of this kind

is more a form of youth outreach.

- Of what?

- Youth outreach.

lt's not just some moronic

frat-house social function.

Though it will be that too.

We've gotta keep in mind

that these guys are young people.

They're essentially immature

and crying out for help and guidance.

- Though they don't know it.

- No, they don't, but we do.

- Aren't they the same age as we are?

- Only numerically.

l'm a lot fatter than you are,

but l think we could pin it.

Oh, my gosh, that's beautiful.

Stunning.

Take Frank, my friend.

He's not some cool, handsome,

studly macho type.

No, not at all.

l can't stand guys like that.

He's more of a sad sack really,

wouldn't you say?

- Definitely.

- What is a sad sack?

A loser.

- You like losers?

- Very much so.

Do you know what's the major problem

in social life?

What?

The tendency, widespread, to always

seek someone cooler than yourself.

lt's always a stretch.

Often a big stretch.

Why not find someone

who's inferior?

- Someone like Frank.

- Yes. lt's more rewarding.

And, in fact, quite reassuring.

You mean someone you can help,

not just thinking of yourself.

Yes, that's it, precisely. But without

the goody-goody implications.

Our aspirations are pretty basic.

Take a guy who hasn't realized

his full potential...

...or doesn't even have much...

...and then help him realize it

or find more.

There's enough material here

for a lifetime of social work.

What's really worrisome

is that that was intentional.

Frank.

Frank, this is Lily.

She's just come to Seven Oaks

as a transfer student. lsn't she great?

Lily failed

or wasn't happy at her last school.

We're sure that she's going

to adapt here.

- ln fact, she already has.

- Oh, good.

Oh, my God. A golden oldie.

l love these.

- Oh, my gosh. Wasn't that great?

- That was really fun.

l know that people can have

useful careers in many areas.

Medicine, government, law, finance.

- Education.

- Yes, even education.

But l'd like to do something

especially significant in my lifetime.

That could change the course

of human history.

- Such as starting a new dance craze.

- Really?

Yes. Something that could

improve the lives...

...of every person and every couple.

l'm so proud

of what you accomplished last night.

You showed those guys

a really good time.

Without anything really bad

happening. That's good.

The guys you know,

are they all Greeks?

- What?

- Are all the guys you know Greeks?

Excuse me. l don't understand.

Are all the guys you know Greeks?

- l don't think we know any Greeks.

- Greeks, like frat boys.

Oh, yes. Fraternities.

You mean members

of the Greek-letter fraternities.

Yeah. Like last night.

Actually, last night

we were at the DU house. DU.

Roman letters. Not Greek.

Seven Oaks has never had

a Greek-letter fraternity system.

lt's always been

a Roman-letter system here.

lt's very different.

- What house is this?

- Oh, this isn't a fraternity.

At least not one anyone

should want to join.

You probably think we're frivolous,

empty-headed college coeds.

You're probably right.

l often feel empty-headed.

We're trying to make a difference

in people's lives.

One way to do that is to stop them

from killing themselves.

Have you ever heard of

"Prevention is nine-tenths the cure"?

Well, in the case of suicide,

it's actually 1 0-tenths the cure.

- Those are clichs, aren't they?

- Yes, they are.

lt's interesting you say that. l love

clichs and hackneyed expressions.

- Do you know why?

- No.

Because they're largely true.

The hundreds,

perhaps thousands...

...of such clichs

and hackneyed expressions...

...that our language

has bequeathed us...

...are a stunning treasure trove

of human insight and knowledge.

- Really?

- Yes. Oh, please sit down.

During these formative

college years...

...we should learn as many clichd

and hackneyed thoughts as possible.

Furthermore, l think we will.

Speaking of suicide prevention,

do you have a boyfriend, Lily?

- Are you dating anyone?

- l don't see the connection.

- You don't?

- Boyfriends are a primary suicide risk.

You don't have

any particular friend?

No one at all?

No. Well, there's this grad student

l met over summer.

Xavier.

We became pretty good pals.

He has a girlfriend whom l've met.

She's very nice.

"Zavier." With a Z?

- No, l think it's with an X.

- No, l'm certain it's Z.

Zavier, like Zorro.

lt's the same sound.

Zorro marked his name with a Z.

lt's an X.

But Zorro's with a Z.

Okay, let me see

if l can figure this out.

Used at the beginning of a name,

Z and X have the same pronunciation.

- But it's Zorro with a Z.

- Actually, there were two Zorros.

One spelled his name with a Z

and made a Z mark for Zorro.

And there's Xorro

who spelled his name with an X...

...and with his sword

he'd make an X mark.

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