Damsels in Distress Page #2

What was really unfair was

because he marked his name with X...

...everybody assumed

he was illiterate...

...when he was spelling correctly.

- Hello.

- Can we help you?

Of course we can.

No case is too challenging.

- Would you like a doughnut?

- Okay.

Please, sit down.

- Here, have some coffee.

- Thank you.

- What's your name?

- Jim Bose.

- But my friends call me Jimbo.

- Why?

- What?

- Why do your friends call you Jimbo?

Well, it's a contraction of Jim and

the first part of my last name, Bose.

Yeah, l got that. But why bother?

- What do you mean?

- Jim is already a lovely name.

lt's short, simple, evocative.

Shouldn't a nickname

simplify the name that it replaces?

Jimbo doesn't really

simplify anything.

l don't know.

Well, maybe you should ask

your friends.

Where do you live or reside?

Doar Dorm.

- Oh, my God. Yuck.

- What?

- The smell, it's notorious.

- What smell?

You're right, it's more like a stink.

Unclean clothing, l'd say, mostly.

- Vomit.

- Stale beer.

Pot. Cheap deodorant.

There might be a vermin infestation.

Did you know

a good-smelling environment...

...is crucial to our sense

of well-being?

Have you tried to find

a better-smelling place?

Wait, wait.

lt's not me, l'm not depressed.

- You're not?

- No.

Are you sure?

You kind of seem on edge.

- No, l'm fine.

- That's a terrible expression. "Fine."

"l'm fine."

Something smug about it. "l'm fine."

- Why do you say that you're fine?

- l'm not depressed. l'm not suicidal.

Why are you here, then?

Are you a con man?

- A confidence trickster?

- No, there's a girl.

Her boyfriend dumped her.

She was crying but now is silent.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you say so?

We have to go. Call the cops!

A suicide might be in progress!

- The campus cops?

- Yes, of course the campus cops.

Take this.

We have a lot of students

coming to the center...

...pretending to be depressed

to get doughnuts.

- Confidence tricksters.

- Yes, it's really bad. Really cynical.

We pledged

to the doughnut company...

...we would only give doughnuts

to students who were depressed...

...or otherwise nutty.

We're a nonprofit,

so the rules are pretty strict.

- This man could still be a trickster.

- Well, we'll soon find out.

Tell me about this girl.

Well, her name is Priss.

She's very pretty.

Oh, yes. lt's very hard for beautiful

women to experience rejection.

Priss? Priss. Are you okay?

Priss! Priss, say something!

Priss! Open up!

Oh, thank God.

We're gonna have to force this door.

Priss? Are you okay?

- What?

- Please don't. Please, come with us.

Do you wanna talk about it?

What was his name?

Josh.

lf you'd rather not talk,

we don't have to.

No, it's okay, l just....

l keep thinking how he used to gaze

at me with such love in his eyes.

You know what l mean?

No. No, l've never

actually seen that.

Yes. Just days ago,

he'd gaze at me.

His eyes, so blue.

He had blue eyes?

So does Frank.

Frank's the guy that l go out with.

Otherwise, he's not conventionally

good-looking, which l actually prefer.

Would you describe Josh

as handsome?

- That's a problem.

- Could l join you guys?

Yes, please.

Priss and l were just talking.

ln my view,

handsome men are to be avoided.

l don't even consider good looks

to be flattering in a man.

- Do you know what l mean?

- No.

Cookie-cutter, good-looking guys,

with their chiseled features...

...running around,

full of themselves...

...getting everything they want,

never suffering or experiencing--

We suffered?

We're not under discussion. That's

irrelevant. That's besides the point.

- ls this making you feel any better?

- Yes. l think so.

Good. l hoped it would.

Okay, it's nearly 4 and The Daily

Complainer's orientation meeting...

...is about to start

and l think we should go.

The editor, Rick DeWolfe,

he's terrible. A real jerk.

Why do you think he's such a jerk?

He's one of those

that l was talking about. Tall.

Probably considers himself

very smart and handsome.

A journalist, so you can imagine the

mindboggling arrogance and conceit.

- But, Violet, don't you think--?

- What?

Well, don't you think that the way you

talk could be considered arrogant too?

l mean, a little?

Yes, of course.

But what's your point?

Wouldn't that be hypocritical,

criticizing Rick...

...for something

you could be criticized for yourself?

No. l don't see why.

We're all flawed.

Must that render us mute

to the flaws of others?

Must we tether ourselves

from comment...

...because our natures

are human too?

We've got a rebel amongst us.

That's good, l think. lt's good

to be challenged and criticized.

l know your intentions are good,

it's just--

That's it precisely.

Our intentions are good.

We're seeking to help people

rescue their lives...

...from terrible sadness and failure...

...which is a worthy goal,

don't you think?

Yes. But not exactly a humble one.

No.

l agree with you there.

You're right, absolutely.

l'd like to thank you

for this chastisement.

- l'm sorry, l didn't mean to chastise.

- No, l think you did...

...and l think it's good.

lt's good to have a friend...

...to put one in one's place

when that's what one needs.

Now l see that l have

that kind of friend in you.

l think that's great.

Hello, people. Listen up.

People, quiet. Quiet, people.

Shut up!

Okay, that's better. l'm Rick DeWolfe,

editor of The Complainer.

Over the next weeks, l'm the person

you're gonna hate most in the world.

You're gonna hate me because

l'm gonna work you...

...point out your stupidity

and incompetence...

...and do everything in my power

to turn you into journalists.

- Albeit barely literate ones.

- Oh, brother.

Any questions?

No?

Yes. How did The Daily Complainer

get its name?

lsn't that pretty obvious?

lt comes out every day

and it's the university daily.

So The Daily Complainer.

- The Daily--

- No, l meant--

Oh, you mean,

why The Complainer?

The name dates from Seven Oaks'

earliest days as a divinity school.

The reference is to the Book of Job.

Job's complaint with the world.

Before justice can be achieved,

a complaint must be made.

That is what we do

and people don't like it a bit.

Right now, what that means...

...is extirpating Seven Oaks'

elitist Roman Letter Clubs...

...that are like a cancer

on the community.

They're not elitist in the least.

Yes, they are.

Have you met any of their members?

The guys from the DU, for example?

They're barely competent

for the tasks of everyday life.

They have to drink a quart of beer

just to talk to a woman?

- Two quarts.

- Yet you salivate at the idea...

...of taking the roof off their heads

and throwing them on the street...

...where who knows what would

happen. You call yourself a Christian.

- No, l don't.

- What unkindness and cruelty.

This is the darkness in the heart

of man, which Joseph Conrad...

...wrote about most eloquently.

- He was actually Polish.

- Oh, my God.

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