Daphne

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1

Right, right.

Do you have a list permit?

No, no.

Guess what? I heard about Nikki.

Nikki, do I know Nikki?

Yeah, from school.

Oh, one boob much smaller

than the other.

Yeah, right, tiny tit,

Nikki, exactly.

Yeah, well, her husband's

quite touchy feely, right?

How did you know all this?

'Cause I spoke to her

a couple weeks ago.

Do you not speak to her any more?

Yeah.

Why don't you come on Friday?

The girls do genuinely

want to see you.

They always ask about you.

Yeah, and I want to see them, too.

- Really? Do you though?

- Yeah, of course I do.

I've sort of given up on people,

haven't I?

I've told you that,

like, a million times.

Sorry, I'm being a b*tch.

Yeah, you're being a b*tch.

So, this is amazing

in every respect.

Should we go to your place or...

It's your place or no place,

Jimbo.

Awesome, but, awkward,

my name's not Jim...

- Shh.

- I mean, it can be.

Make it so, Jimbo. Make it so.

No, what are you doing?

No. It's just for, you

know, for the lads in the...

Oh, you're such a penis,

I can't...

So what he says, for the lads.

- What am I doing?

- F***ing great. Cheers.

- Five on serving, Daph, okay?

- Yup.

- Come on.

- Yup.

Service, please. Service, please.

Table two instead of one.

A bun.

Wait, wait, wait.

Daph, come on, for f***'s

sake, fix it, will ya?

- Yeah.

- Come on.

We need service.

Thank you. Table one.

- Oh.

- Table three, thank you.

Come on, hustle up,

please. Service, please.

How's it going? You

coming with that? Come on.

Is it ready?

You happy with that?

Five, please.

Daph, going to The Specials you

and Beth are in charge, okay?

Consider me the manager.

- Where's our pitcher?

- Come on, oh, oops.

- Ah, so close.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Unplug.

- I'm coming out.

Good night.

One, two, oh!

All right, fancy pants.

Are you coming out

with us tonight?

Nah, I'm just... I'm gonna

head in and have a quiet one.

Been caning a bit lately.

Oh, I lost my jacket.

It's the one I just got.

Oh, sh*t bags.

You looked wealth in it.

I know. Oh, well, it

was good while it lasted.

All right, chica,

I'll see you later.

- Have fun.

- We will.

Here you go, Francis.

What have you done

with your hair?

Don't over react. I

didn't mean it like that.

What are you doing here?

Charming way to

greet your mother.

I meant to say what

a lovely surprise.

- No, you didn't.

- No, I didn't.

Well, can I come in

or are we going

to stand here like lemons?

Like lemons, preferably.

Right.

Here, I bought you a present.

It's a mindfulness CD.

This week mindfulness,

last week was it naked yoga?

What's next week gonna be,

Mother?

Will you just open

the bloody door?

What I don't understand is,

why couldn't you

just phone first

like a normal human being?

What, so you can just

ignore the phone?

Yeah.

Jesus, why is nothing

ever simple to you?

Since you were little,

exactly the same.

No, no, no, no.

God, it's hot in here.

I don't wanna go.

Look, you're coming.

I don't care.

You've gotta stop this.

The heating's not on.

Anyway, Mom, I gotta go.

F*** off, will you,

Daphne, I am boiling.

- Okay, Mom, I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

Just send me a cab.

Oh, don't worry, mate.

Hello, Scratch.

What's that?

No, don't I got balls?

I keep turning and turning you.

Yeah, can you, um,

can you ask the chef

to make sure that he uses fresh

chilies in that Saag Aloo.

I'm not picky.

Yeah.

Ah, it's fine.

I'm not in a rush.

What's the word Word up

Hey, alecbah, God is great.

- You're amazing.

- Yeah, you know, I'm not Muslim.

- Yeah, I know.

- Whatever.

This isn't enough.

It's like two quid short

I'm good for it.

I'll screw you next time.

Thanks, dude.

Yeah

Donut.

- Beth, you're in charge, okay?

- Chef.

- Daph, follow me.

- I'm busy.

Move your arse.

Banon, you cheesy little b*tch.

Oh, yeah, yup.

Okay.

Here we go.

Please.

Holy sh*t.

What do you taste?

- Mmm, the vinegar.

- Mm-hmm.

- And the fruit brandy, of course.

- Mm-hmm.

Anything else?

Mm, yeah, walnuts?

Walnuts?

Oh, come on now, f***ing

listen to your palate.

Don't just guess.

F*** me.

Do you know how many air miles it

takes to fly this in every week?

I'm adding to the ruin

of the world for cheese.

- Worth it though, isn't it?

- Correct.

If you mean yes, just

say yes. Don't be a twat.

That's what I meant,

yes, correct, shut up.

Hey, Joe, do you remember

when I asked if I could

maybe... you know?

What, babe, become a sous?

Think you're ready?

I mean,

it's a massive responsibility.

Do you know what

it actually means?

How it'll ruin your life.

Hey, listen, I should get

back and finish my mis, yeah.

Healthy cynicism and neurotic

cynicism are, like, different.

And which one might you be?

Wait, wait, let me guess.

The reason I mentioned it is

because you were kind enough

to offer me some of your gak,

and then whenever I do coke,

I always think about Freud, and

then whenever I think about Freud

I always think about love, and you know

what Freud's definition of love was?

I haven't got a clue, darling, what is

Freud's definition of love? Enlighten me.

Freud's definition

of love is, um...

Oh, what was it?

Oh, the psychosis

of ordinary people.

People like you, Tommy.

Mmm.

It's a sickness.

You feel sick to the

stomach when it starts,

and then you feel even sicker

and it's even longer when it

ends, and then, that's called love.

That's what we all want.

It's f***ed.

- You talk a lot, don't you?

- No, I don't.

So, what, are you gonna fall in love

tonight then? Strangers in London.

Oh, what you mean?

We're gonna f***.

Yeah, maybe, but what we're not

gonna do is fall in love, so...

So you don't believe in

love, that's f***ing awesome.

Up up up up.

- Come on.

- Don't. F*** off.

- Get up.

- What the f*** are you doing?

Get up.

I'll just pee in your mouth.

Excuse me, where's any

mini cabs around here?

Down that street.

Okay, all right, can I also

grab some rolling backy?

Just whatever's

your cheapest really.

And some paracetamol.

Oh, f***. Thank you.

- That will be four...

- Yeah.

Open the till, man. Don't move.

Don't f***ing move, man.

Open that f***ing till!

I promise I will f***ing

stab you up, man.

I ain't playing fair, man.

Get a f***ing move on.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

You can give me your money,

oh, come on, come on now.

What the f*** is that?

That's f***ing roll over.

My mom gave it to me.

Oh, my... my mom gave...

What the f*** is wrong

with the both of you man?

What... what I've got a pair

of f***ing dummies, have I?

Huh? Give me the money.

Do you understand English?

You f***ing muppet.

F***. Oh, Jesus, f***. Oh, f***.

F***.

Yeah, ambulance. Yeah,

someone's been stabbed.

Near the... near the

Hilton on Tilly Street.

Yeah, yeah, I'll stay on the line.

Oh, f***.

- What's your name?

- It's Amir. My family.

- Oh, boy, what is it, what...

- Pict...

Pict...

- Picture.

- Oh, you f***ing twat.

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