Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer

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This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together

and welcome on stage Dara O Briain.

Good evening. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

How are you? Hello, hello, hello.

You're very good.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

- How are you? Are you in good form?

- THEY CHEER

Course you are - it's Edinburgh, it's spectacularly warm,

it's almost unnaturally warm in Edinburgh.

The glow off the heads of the lot of you is insane.

Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.

We're five months into the tour at this stage

and, generally, in relatively good health under the circumstances.

Even the throat is holding up.

Right at the start of the tour we were in Dublin, I felt

a tickle in the throat and you're going,

"Oh, Jesus. Don't lose the voice now."

And I went into a Boots and I said, "I'm about to do

"a lot of talking, and a lot of roaring, do you have anything?"

This is the pharmacy counter. "Do you have some...?"

Practically leaning in and kind of,

"Not the shite you sell these fecking eejits behind me.

"The good stuff."

And the woman goes, "I have just the thing," and stepped out from

behind the counter, walked to the throat section,

picked these things up and said, "These are very good.

"Because not only can you suck them, but on the inside, there's honey."

LAUGHTER:

I went, "I'm sorry? Are you explaining Lockets to me?"

LAUGHTER:

"Cos they've been on the market for some time now, pet,

"we've mastered that technology.

"Tell me, how do Rolos work?"

Now, the joy about it is, I'll be doing a lot of the talking,

but you'll be throwing things in. That changes the show.

It's one of the joys of doing live stand up.

If you do a TV show and something goes weird or wrong,

they make you do it again.

Do another take of that, right. If you were doing a stage play,

you've got a script and you've got to stick to that.

This stuff, if something changes, or you say something weird,

or someone runs naked across the stage or whatever, right, you've got to go with it.

You've got to commit to it.

There are very few things in the arts in which you have to commit...

There are very few things in life you just have to absolutely go for.

One thing. One thing.

When you rent a car in a foreign country where they

drive on the other side of the road,

and you're f***ed if you're taking any instruction from the kid

who gives you the keys,

cos you've been driving longer than he's been alive.

"So get into the car, Mary and let's go."

And the first road you drive on is a roundabout to a motorway

and you don't even know which way round the roundabout they drive...

But you're going to go for it. Let's get into gear.

Oh, Jesus, where's the gear stick? Why is the window going down?

What? What the f*** is the gear stick doing here?

What are you doing here? Get off the roundabout.

Any turn, any turn. Which one is that one?

- Oh, Jesus, it's the airport, it's your man. Head down, head down.

- LAUGHTER

You've just got to commit to it.

There's one event that sums up perfectly for me,

that kind of - boom, and here we go.

One event that occurred last November which some of you will

know about, because it occurred in a small Scottish town called Oban.

Right. Now.

Oban, you'll be familiar with here.

Oban, for those that are joining us that are not from Scotland -

beautiful little ferry/fisheries town.

You take the boat there to visit the Mull of Kintyre

and the Highlands and Islands.

There's a distillery, lovely part of the world. Beautiful community.

And last November,

they went out to watch their annual firework display...

LAUGHTER:

And what a fabulous evening it was for the people of Oban.

Glorious, almost flawless.

Almost without one teeny-tiny technical error.

Hardly worth even...

The entire fireworks went off at the same time.

A massive explosion - the entire sky erupting in an...

Those who haven't seen it - Google it and YouTube - it is f***ing epic.

LAUGHTER:

The sky erupting in colour as the people of a small Scottish town

cling to their children as they're being blown back by the velocity.

"No-o-o!

"We're going into hyperspace."

47 seconds of the greatest firework display in history.

Immediately followed by 30 seconds of silence...

..and then a voice goes, "You can all go home now."

LAUGHTER:

Oh, if you could just create that kind of moment, it would be fantastic.

There will be moments we create. There will be things that are random

and different as they are in any given show.

Some rules of engagement, for example.

I will be speaking at this speed for most of the show.

This is an Irish thing.

I'll be saying "f***" and "feck" a bit, right.

Go with me on that. There's one really bad word a little bit

later in the show - keep an eye out for that.

And I'll be doing... Are there any other Irish in, by the way?

- SOME PEOPLE CHEER

- A few Irish.

There'll be more of that as the years go by, there'll be more

Irish appearing here in the UK

because things are a little tough at the moment in Ireland and...

- You sent us a bail out - thanks for that.

- LAUGHTER

We were supposed to spend it on whisky,

Welsh lamb and Kit Kats and we thought, "Screw that.

"We'll just spend it on tickets to go and live in the UK."

Keep an eye out for the new Irish - soft hands, soft,

we've been working with IT hands.

There isn't a construction worker amongst them,

ladies and gentlemen, but when they get here, they'll take the gig.

They will happily stand...

"I'll do that. You want me to do that?

"You want that knocked through and...?

"No problem. We can do that.

"That's not an issue, we'll get that done.

- "Google it. Google it."

- LAUGHTER

"Bound to be a website somewhere that explains what he wants.

"Jesus!

"Well, translate it from Polish."

LAUGHTER:

APPLAUSE:

You will be sending planes to Warsaw to fly back the Polish

builders that you were so dismissive of.

Oh, yeah, it's funny the first time you flush the toilet

and the lights go off, but...

- LAUGHTER

- The shite we're about to make your houses...

In six months' time every Wickes, every Homebase,

every DIY store in this country is going to be rammed with Irish

"builders" trying to describe tools they vaguely

remember from a generation ago.

"Do you have anything that'll make wood shorter?"

LAUGHTER:

"Cos I have a gap and I have a plank

"and I can't get the two of them to match up.

"There must be some way, do you have a tool for that?

"While I have you, I have a tin of paint and a wall.

"How do I transfer the paint...?

"I have tried lifting it. I have tried scooping it.

"I have tried flinging it.

"I have tried smearing it.

"In my mind, there's a thing like a Jedward's head."

LAUGHTER:

"I could lower it in and run it along the wall.

"Does such a thing even exist?"

I honestly believe that this country needs more Irish

people to come into it.

The Irish occasionally need to emigrate, just to see

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