Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer Page #2

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more of the world and also give their unique takes on things.

Because we've kind of slipped off the radar in the UK,

you've kind of forgotten who we are.

Even, for example, the sign of the show - Craic Dealer,

that's the pun which I presume most people got,

craic being an old Irish word meaning fun.

And I went online and went,

"Jeez, I have to come up with a name for a DVD.

"I'm sick of calling them Live At The... and Live here."

And somebody suggested Craic Dealer. We said, that's brilliant.

A fantastic title for a show.

We stuck in on the box and showed to loads of people who went,

"Fantastic. Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer, I get it, that's great."

Apart from one major retailer in this country.

One massive chain of shops in this country that said,

"No, we won't stock something called Craic Dealer.

"Because it promotes drug use."

LAUGHTER:

As if people would walk into their supermarkets, see a DVD with

Craic Dealer on it and go, "Jesus, I'd love a bit of crack."

LAUGHTER:

"It'd really hit the spot.

"I've been meaning to try it for years

"and I was scared by the reputation it had.

"But if the man off the telly is selling it then clearly

"they've ironed out those initial problems.

"Kids, will we have some crack?"

"Let's have some crack, Daddy! Let's have some crack!"

Now, I'm not so unprofessional as to tell you which major

retailer in this country refused to stock a DVD...

I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.

I would merely point out that

if you were to come up with an advertising slogan that best

sums up the day-to-day existence of a class A drug addict,

you're not going to do better than "Every little helps."

LAUGHTER:

APPLAUSE:

This may backfire on me,

cos the thing is, on the back of the DVD box there is

a picture of the show as it goes along,

so it means even if I keep it off the front,

the back of the box will have tiny letters of Craic Dealer,

which they're not going to be happy about.

I should be more sensitive to their desires not to have had this

here where they would see it.

I've got to do everything I can to avoid them

being embarrassed or angry by the words appearing...

LAUGHTER:

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How unfortunate.

There will be messing around.

Look at your little faces.

Look at the people I'm going to come to and have chats to

and it's going to be fantastic.

Some more than others, by the way.

Don't be shy, just throw it out...

Go with it, enjoy yourselves.

You can probably...

You're quite young, how old is this group here?

24, 24. How old are you?

Who's young, who's young? 22. How old are you?

- 21.

- 21. Any teenagers here?

- You. How old are you guys?

- 19.

19. Lovely stuff. Right, you're off the hook, I'm not talking to you.

You know why? Cos you've f***ing done nothing.

LAUGHTER:

You guys, I might not take the gamble -

you're only starting doing stuff.

But this lot - nothing.

Hey, what do you do? I don't need to know an essay title, right.

You're only just starting off.

Look at these gnarled f***ers here.

Far more interesting to talk to.

There is a point for a comedian, where the comedian goes,

"Hey, what do you do?"

We do it like we have any clue,

like we have any notion of the real nature of jobs.

This is the rubbish we do, we don't know the actual nine to five,

the commute, the tension, the hierarchies -

all that stuff that exists when you work within organisations.

We know none of that stuff.

We have no skills in that world - nothing.

This is all I have done.

I would be gone. I have nothing transferable.

If this ends, I got nothing, right.

Nothing. I am institutionalised at this stage.

I'm like that guy in Shawshank who ran the library.

LAUGHTER:

Sorry. Sorry, I've lost you there.

It was a film that was released in the '90s.

Much like yourself.

LAUGHTER:

APPLAUSE:

When we go, "Hey, what do you do?"

we genuinely know nothing, we haven't a clue about stuff.

Particularly people who work in large organisations.

Do you work in a large organisation?

- You work for yourself? What's your name, firstly?

- My name's Keith.

- How are you, Keith? Are you a local?

- No, I come from Dunblane.

You've come from Dunblane. Good to have you down, Keith. Andy Murray, of course...

- Keith, what do you do?

- I have my own business.

You've your own business?

Oh, you're at the top of that kind of stuff, right?

Oh, this is exciting.

- How many people do you employ, Keith?

- Only three.

Only three.

Keith, you are the bedrock of this economy.

You have three now, but Facebook started with three,

four or possibly 12 - I don't know.

Apple.

They all started with three.

Keith, you will take your industry and you will...

- What do you do?

- I sell furniture.

You sell furniture. Maybe not so much.

LAUGHTER:

Really, most of us have chairs at this stage, Keith, it's done.

- Do you make it or sell other people's furniture?

- Sell other people's.

You sell other people's furniture.

What's the big thing going out the door at the moment in Dunblane?

- Hardly anything.

- Hardly anything?

LAUGHTER:

Harsh, Keith.

You say you've got three, is one looking a big shaky at the moment?

Have you already got your eye on which one it is?

Is it last in, first out, or is there a difficult chat to be had?

"We're not selling a lot of chairs here, lads, tick-tock, tick-tock.

"That's all I'm saying.

"Bring some of those lamps home and see if you can shift them

"on the open market at the weekend. Back of the car - anything."

What's the...?

Any ridiculous thing that you've never had to shift?

How many beds do you have, for example?

- A dozen, or so.

- A dozen, or so at any given time.

Do you ever...? Do you ever sleep in the office?

Do you ever...? Do you ever jump from one to one?

Do you ever line them up, right...?

It's quiet, you're not selling anything.

Do you ever line them up and bounce from one bed to the other?

Have you ever come back and caught the lads doing that?

They make tunnels... They make forts out of all the furniture.

Oh, the fun they have when you're not here.

When you f*** off down to Edinburgh to see the show, do you know what they've done to the place?

It's insane. Two of them are dressed as cowboys,

the others as Indians, they're firing arrows across the place.

"Shite, Keith's back! Flatten the beds."

How big are the beds? How small are the beds?

- Oh, up to seven feet square.

- Up to seven foot square?

- Who the f*** needs a seven foot square...?

- LAUGHTER

Possible...

Giants are coming into...

"Hello. I want to buy a bed.

"I can't go in the door for I am seven foot tall

"and also seven foot wide."

LAUGHTER:

"I am a giant who likes group sex. Please...

"Please, can I find a bed that is large enough for me

"and the many women I lure back to it?"

What kind of sexy basketball players are hanging

around in Dunblane looking for beds to ship women through?

What is the target market for a seven foot...?

49 square feet of bed.

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