Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer Page #3

---

There are flats in London you would just use that as carpet.

Just push it through the door - thump.

How great would that be?

"Honey, do you want to come home? This is my house, this is my house."

Boing.

That'd be great.

How high is the bed? Does it have things underneath it?

Does it have drawers and shelves - can you hide?

- If you want to, yeah.

- Do people ever hide?

Do you ever do hide and seek during the day?

When somebody goes into a cupboard, they go, "Boo!

"I'm here, Keith. Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

You see, it's not the most business-minded conversation

you have with people about what they do.

Have you ever sold a seven foot bed?

You have? How big was the person you sold the seven foot by seven foot bed to?

He was five feet three.

He was five foot three!

LAUGHTER:

Lying on the bed, just swirling around.

Stars, crucifix - every possible shape.

I'm going to sleep this way and this way.

Was he single or was he married?

He was married.

And was the wife nine foot eight?

He could have slept in one corner in a foetal position

while she slept like a starfish.

Was she a starfish? Did he marry a giant starfish?

She was six foot and she was Russian.

She was six foot and she was Russian.

I love the details you know.

LAUGHTER:

Typical of those Russians coming in here and demanding huge beds.

They're like that, the Russians.

Are there any Russians in the room tonight?

- ONE MAN SHOUTS OUT

- Good. What are the f***ing chances that that's a Russian?

What are the chances? Going "Hey, yeah, I'm Russian."

Via Leith.

So you genuinely are Russian?

Is your chair large enough for you at the moment,

or do you wish to spread out?

So to impress the Russian wife, he had the bed, very good.

Are you related to Keith, that lad there?

And do you work in the same industry?

- Do you work in a big company or a little company?

- I've got my own.

You've got your own company.

Lads, this is impressive.

It's like the Dunblane Small Business Association night out.

LAUGHTER:

It's like the Chamber of Commerce.

Promoting local industry in the Dunblane area.

How many people do you employ, my friend?

- Eh, 18.

- 18!

Don't look down on him!

LAUGHTER:

What does the company do?

We're opticians.

You're opticians. Could be 18 - could be nine - you're never sure...

LAUGHTER:

You can move further back and around.

Wait a minute! That's the same guy.

"Yes, I'm here to collect my pay."

F***ing hat change.

"I am here to collect my pay."

"This is for my beautiful Russian wife, Olga."

18 opticians. People in Dunblane -

big beds, can't see for f***...

LAUGHTER:

What kind of...?

Who needs 18 opticians? Is it one branch?

- 18 staff.

- You've got 18 staff.

How many opticians?

- Five.

- Five, OK.

And there's loads of support staff doing all the bits and pieces?

Still, it's a fairly huge branch, isn't it?

No, no, we've got four places.

Oh, four places. So, five opticians and four places.

What does the fifth optician do?

Is he just there with an engine running the whole time on a moped?

"We've got an optical emergency. You've got to get to branch four.

"I'll be there in half an hour."

MIMICS MOPED ENGINE

"I'm here."

"Thank God you're here. We had two people come in at the same time -

"I can't deal with that kind of pace.

"One's saying E, the other's saying G, the other's saying L -

"I'm confused!"

"It's just a blur of Fs and Gs and Ls.

"I just have to put the Qs up to f*** them up.

"Just have loads of Qs

"and someone in a holding pattern just going, "Q. Q...

"Q."

"This isn't very difficult."

"I'll be back with you when the other optician comes!"

- MIMICS MOPED ENGINE

- Good work, my friend.

I'm 40 now - 40 with a couple of kids, which means that

I am now the focus of a phenomena that I hate.

It's a thing that television producers do,

and it's called "something for the dads".

Something for the dads is that really irritating

phenomena of putting totty into a show, particularly family shows,

as it's presumed it's the only way I'll keep watching.

If there's a bit of flesh on show.

Like, the lady dancers' outfits in Strictly Come Dancing is

textbook "something for the dads".

That's the way you say it - something for the dads.

Filthy, dirty, Sid James, "Ha-ha-ha! Something for the dads!"

It is cos you sit down with your family and you go,

"Are we watching the bloody dancing thing again?

"There's nothing for me in this. Hello."

Women on game shows standing next to prizes,

Doctor Who's sexy assistant, weather girls.

I mean, the presumption that I have to be kept slightly horny

all the time or I'll get angry about it - "I'm not horny.

"I can't concentrate unless I'm a little bit horny.

"What rain? Give me horniness or I can't concentrate on the rain."

Irritating. I hate the "something for the dad" thing,

cos it's patronising to men, and limiting to young women.

Men get fecking tragic as we get older.

Women, I know it's difficult, but men - it's ludicrous.

Apparently, all I have to look forward to

when I hit my mid-50s is a pair of leather trousers

and hovering around the back of a lap dancing club, until the

shift finishes, to go, "Please, give me a chance, Aurora, this is real."

That kind of sh*t.

"But, Starburst, this could work."

Starburst is a top quality name for a lap dancer, by the way.

She didn't make a penny when she was called Opal Fruits.

LAUGHTER:

The minute she changed it, the cash came rolling in.

If you're going to come up with a lap dancing name,

confectionery is a bit of a mixed bag, I'm afraid.

Some of them work beautifully.

"On the main stage, Candy

"and Bubblicious are on the stage at the moment.

"And on the second stage, Double Decker. Double Decker..."

LAUGHTER:

"..and Tunnock's Tea Cake.

"Tunnock's Tea Cakes is dancing on the second stage for your pleasure."

It may be that I'm sensitive cos I've got little ones -

I've got a daughter and a son.

The whole gender thing is one of these things that's raised.

Nationality is another thing as well.

I'm Irish, my wife is English and we live in London.

But I want our children to be respectful of the two

traditions that they came from.

You'll understand that. You want them to celebrate that.

Even when we were naming our children, I wanted their names

to be respectful and part of the two great histories.

My son is called Patrick Cromwell O Briain...

LAUGHTER:

Love that you get that.

It's not true.

Ridiculous, course not, no.

Other issues, for example,

I was watching a football match with a two-and-a-half-year-old of mine,

and I get very passionate and I was roaring at the television.

Roaring, like that, right.

And then game ends and I go quiet and I'm in repose

and I look at this little face.

This little face that was glowing with learning

and this child looks at me and goes,

"Bloody Jesus Christ."

LAUGHTER:

And my wife goes, "Dara!"

And I go, "What? We're atheists!"

This is hilarious.

We've gone non-denominational, secular education.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes