Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer Page #4

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There's no religion in our schools, yeah, that's the way we're doing it.

So imagine my surprise - the twist - that I have had to sit

though two Nativity plays already.

We're atheists in a non-denominational school.

What the hell am I doing watching...?

HE MUMBLES:

There is, by the way, a crib under the baby Jesus, here.

This isn't the first ever production of Limbo Christ.

HE MUMBLES:

My objections are predominately theatrical rather than theological.

But I've got to sit it through a lot of these things on tiny

chairs in school halls.

It's not comfortable. I'm saying to my wife, "Why are we here?"

She's going, "Dara, it's a Christmas story."

And I'm going, "There are lots of Christmas stories they could do."

They could do A Christmas Carol - a delight.

It's A Wonderful Life - a beautiful...

- Die Hard...

- LAUGHTER

Die Hard is one of our finest and most beloved Christmas tales.

Who among us would not prefer to see an under-fives version of Die Hard?

- Small, barefoot child shouting, "Yippee-ki-yay,

- BLEEP!"

- as they run...

- LAUGHTER

..to a cardboard representation of the Nakatomi Plaza.

I, for one, would love to see that.

At the Nativity play, there was a nice moment,

cos they went really quiet - even a hard-hearted old cynic like me.

There was a presentation of the baby and they all leaned in

and it was all very quiet and still and nice.

Then one voice at the back of the room goes,

"Bloody Jesus Christ."

LAUGHTER:

I felt proud.

As I'm sure she did, cos at the end her teacher came out and said,

"Thank you all so much for coming along

"to class 1A's Christmas production this year."

And, I, at the back of the room, nudged my wife and went,

"Finally, something for the dads."

LAUGHTER:

The thing about this proper big type of room, you see the other

shows that are on are musicals and they're all big shows.

A lot of the time you're playing with, you know, cover bands

and psychics - a lot of psychics.

I was in Wolverhampton a couple of weeks ago and there was a

book you have to sign at the end - "Thank you very much for the night."

And I flipped back through to see who else was there.

Derek Acorah was about ten pages before me.

And his message was quite sweet, he just wrote,

"Got away with it again!"

LAUGHTER:

Sally Morgan, TV psychic, I find myself on tour in the same

venues as her a lot.

Either there just after she's been or before she's been.

And it's a bit of a chore.

Sally Morgan comes onto my radar because of my nerd rants -

I have a tendency to look at things that offend me

on a rational level and to get irrationally angry about them.

My current favourite nerd rant at the moment is the

Dettol No-Touch antibacterial soap dispenser.

Pisses me off.

For those unfamiliar with it, it is a soap dispenser that you

wave your hand underneath and it squirts out the soap.

Thus saving you touching that plunger that has been

touched by, urgh, your family.

Pox-laden creatures like that.

You certainly don't want to be catching any

bacteria in the microsecond before you wash your f***ing hands.

LAUGHTER:

My favourite at the moment -

I'm in a battle at the moment with astrologers.

Now, I say astrologers in the knowledge that half the room,

myself included, have to do a quick, "Jesus, which one was that?

"Astrologer, astronomer. Astronomer, astrologer. Which one is which?"

Irritating it is that these two things that have

incredibly different philosophies have such ridiculously

similar names as astrology and astronomy.

Karren Brady off The Apprentice, ultra-efficient as she is,

very professional woman, very smart, I met her just before I did

the show Stargazing LIVE, the science show I did with Brian Cox.

I met her just before that in the BBC. She said, "What are you doing next?"

I said, "I'm doing a show about astronomy."

And Karren Brady went, "Ooh, you don't believe in that, do you?"

LAUGHTER:

I went, "Yes, Karren, I believe in the stars."

Everyone makes that mistake.

In fact, I will give you a little hint, a little learning aid

so that you don't...

Remember "Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain" to remember the colours of the spectrum?

Here's a very simple one to remember which one is astronomy and which one is astrology.

It's all in the word.

Astronomy - "nomy",

"nom", as in nom, nom, nom,

Brian Cox is delicious.

LAUGHTER:

Astrology - "logy",

"log", a unit of poo.

LAUGHTER:

We got into a fight with astrologists cos on Stargazing

we had a model of the solar system - all eight planets out and we were

going to show that it was rock, rock, rock, rock, gas, gas, gas, right?

I had an extra point - I got the earth and I spun it around, I went, "There it goes.

"Round again in a year. And look, there it goes around in another year."

The earth has an orbit of exactly a year. None of the other planets have an orbit of a year,

or any multiple of a year or a fraction of a year,

like, a year later they're all over the place.

The year after that they're all over the place even more.

There's no reason you would share any personality traits with

somebody born the year after you, it makes no sense.

Brian Cox, to his eternal credit, stood beside me and went,

"Obviously, on behalf of the BBC, we must have balance.

"Can I just say, yes, astrology is nonsense."

LAUGHTER:

And we got a million letters from angry medieval soothsayers

furious that we weren't giving them due credit.

And on Twitter, they were tweeting me, going,

"If you were a real scientist, you'd be more open-minded about the evidence."

And I'm going, "Lucky for me, I'm a f***ing comedian."

LAUGHTER:

And they all want...

They all wanted to come onto this BBC science show to

give their side of the "argument".

And you're going, "No, you can't come on. Why? It's a science show.

"You can't come onto it, cos your work clothes are a cape, with...

"stars sewn onto it.

"You're called Madame Zacharino.

"That's why you don't get to go on a science show.

"You get to do premium rate phone lines in the back

"of the newspapers, you don't get to do science shows.

"These are the choices we make, so..."

There was a part of me going, "Jesus, bring them on. Bring them on."

That means I am allowed - quid pro quo -

to appear on any television show they do.

Just on Daybreak on ITV, I'd be sitting at the end of the couch just reading the newspaper,

while they're over there warbling on about Aries this or Virgo that.

And the host goes, "Thank you very much, Madame Zacharino,

"but under broadcasting regulations, I must turn to Dara."

And I put done my paper and go,

"Ah, everything she said is shite."

LAUGHTER:

"Same time next week? We'll see you then. Good stuff."

A lot people say it's a very soft target.

It's a bit of craic, we all know that.

You open the paper in the tea break in the office and you go,

"Ah, John, you're going on a long journey.

"Oh, Mary, you might come into some money."

That's fine, it's just a bit of a laugh, I get that.

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