Daria: Is It College Yet? Page #2

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Truer words were never spoken.

Thanks, man!

Tsk, tsk. Oh, Kevin. Well, maybe you'll find a job that doesn't require the

ability to read and write.

I'm so depressed!

Janet!

Do you know what today is? D-Day, the fifth anniversary of my D-vorce.

Janet, I'm sorry.

You're sorry? You didn't spend years of your life telling him again and again to

get his grubby hands off of the remote, quit his damned coughing, stop behaving

like an imbecile, only to be tossed into the trash like a broken record!

Um, Janet! I can certainly understand your, um, sadness.

Why, marriage is a sacred union that's supposed to represent the love and trust

two people...

Skinny, what did you say?

Marriage is a sacred union that...

Yeeees!

Euh... yes?

I accept!

Um, hmmm, huh?

My silly, silly Skinny. You don't have to ask again. Yes, I will marry you!

Oh, dear!

Daria, the Sloanes are here.

Hey, is Middleton is on this whirlwind college tour of yours, kiddo?

Umm, not this trip.

Oh, um, Daria, you know, some people just aren't cut out for military school.

I know, Dad, but I think it's admirable the way you've managed to pull your life

together despite that early trauma.

Hey, thanks kiddo. I... What?

Now Daria, when you meet the college representatives, please try to be enthusiastic!

Less unenthusiastic...?

At least promise me you won't physically assault anyone.

Lindy, this is Quinn. I just hired her to be our new hostess.

Great! I can really use the help. Have you done hostessing before?

Actually, um, this is my first job.

Really? Are you still in high school?

Umm, yeah. Although, people say I dress like I'm older.

Well, this isn't all that different from high school, except instead of telling

teachers your homework isn't ready, you're telling customers their table isn't

ready. And they can't take a single point off your grade.

Tom, if I'd known you were going to wear those scuffed-up sneakers, I would have

bought you new ones.

But I just got new ones a year ago.

That's exactly what your father would say. You two are so stuck in your ways.

We're stuck in our ways? Two sugars, a tiny slice of lemon would be dreamy, just

place it on the saucer, dear, I don't like it in the cup.

I can't help if I'm particular about my tea. Oh, look. We're here!

Boy, did I do well tonight. A lot of the guys trying to distract their dates

from their toupees by leaving big tips.

Hmm. Must be first dates.

Really? Why?

Well, not that I date inconsistent tippers, but some of my friends say that guys

tip twenty percent on the first date, seventeen on the second, and fifteen on

the third. Although to be fair, a lot of people order more food on the third

date because they're not as worried about looking like pigs.

Quinn, you're a riot.

I know!

Hey, I don't know if you guys are interested, but my roommate and I are having a

party on Saturday.

Sounds cool.

I'd love to go!

Great. Let me write down my address.

You call that a tax cut? I've seen haircuts more drastic.

Um, Dad? Could I talk to you a second?

Sure! What's on your mind?

Well, I've been thinking a lot about Crestmore, and a lot about Turner.

Turner's a great school. Not nearly as elite as Crestmore, though.

That's just it. I don't want to go to an elitist school.

Sure you do.

I want to go to a school where I fit in, where I can be myself and relax for

once and really focus on learning. I want to go to Turner. At least for a year

or two.

You want to go to college to relax? That doesn't sound like my Honor Society daughter.

Relax socially; stop being the black kid, and just being a kid. I'm tired of

being in the extreme minority, and I don't want to go to a place where people

might think I got in just because I'm African-American.

Let people think what they want.

But Dad, you don't know what it's like. You went to a black high school and then

to Turner.

Because I HAD to. If I had a Crestmore degree in my pocket... Jodie, their

graduates are literally running this country. Think of how that degree can help

you catapult ahead. Where is that Landon spirit?

What's shaking, bacon?

I don't smell anything. Hey, cool sculpture. It's like a comment on the

underbelly of pain... or something.

Actually, it's a comment on BFAC's incredibly high admission standards.

Um, why do you want to go to art college? You're already an artist.

I know. But I want to be a starving artist, so I need to ring up more debt.

Well, I'd never go to music school. I wouldn't want any teachers trying to

corrupt my vision.

Can you imagine what Spiral would sound like if we were, like,

forced to practice, even when we don't want to?

Umm... oh, lookie, missed a spot.

There it is, Tom: the place where your father and I met. I was a sophomore,

Angier was a senior. It was a free concert by the Carpenters.

Um, I hope you weren't injured in the ensuing riot.

Well, I guess Daria and I better go in for our meetings.

Good luck!

Thanks.

Hi. We have appointments to see Lisa Goldwin.

So that's why the skating rink has that sign saying "clothes required."

Well, according to my grandfather, anyway. Then again, his motto is, "never let

the truth get in the way of a good story."

Tom, it was really nice meeting you.

You too, Lisa. Daria, I guess it's your turn. See you later.

Come on in, Daria. Are you as full of Bromwell lore as Tom?

Um, I doubt it. He seems to be really full of it.

Daria, now that you've had a chance to drink in the campus, so to speak, what

are your impressions.

Talk about the atmosphere? No, that's frivolous. The resources? No, she'll think

I mean money. The campus? No, shallow. Oh no, inappropriately long pause. Talk,

say anything.

Ummm, I like the campus, the dorms, and, um, libraries... the learning... feeling?

The learning feeling? Could I be any less articulate?

Yes, we like those things, too. Tell me, Daria, aside from gaining a first-rate

education from one of the finest faculties around, why did you want to attend

Bromwell?

Should I talk about wanting to be a writer and hoping Bromwell will help me find

my voice? Oh, God, how pretentious can I get?

Um, well, I guess I'm hoping that if I come here, I may be exposed to, um,

points of view I never considered.

Right, education. But what are you hoping to reap from your Bromwell experience?

Reap? Reap... reap reap!

Um, I hope to reap...

God, what does she want?

Ummm, a chance to grow...?

I did not say that!

You're asking me?

Um, well, I think at Bromwell, I can, umm...

Find your voice, perhaps?

Hmm, yes, exactly. Find my voice.

Note to self:
stop thinking so much, Morgendorffer, you idiot!

Daria, is everything all right?

Ummm, do you think we might possibly start over, and this time, I'll just answer

your questions instead of agonizing over them internally and then blurting out

something asinine?

Sure.

And so I seated this one couple right next to this other couple, and all of a

sudden, the guy at the first table started screaming at the girl at the second

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