Dark Star Page #3

Hey guys, how could it live if

it was just filled with gas?

I wonder what we get to eat today.

I thought I was going to die.

I was hanging on the

elevator for 20 minutes!

- Probably chicken again.

- I probably saved the ship.

That thing could have

done some damage.

I'm REALLY sick of chicken.

Well if you don't care, I just

won't talk about it anymore!

Hey that sounds like

a fine idea, Pinback.

Chicken?

Ah, ham!

- Chicken?

- No, ham.

- Doolittle?

- Ya.

You think we'll ever find any

real intelligent life out there?

- Out where?

- You know...

Veil Nebula.

Who cares.

Hey...

Did I ever tell you guys how

I got on this mission?

- Did I ever tell ya?

- Yup.

It's very strange, see...

I- I wasn't an astronaut

to begin with, see...

See uh...

You have to score a 700

on the SARE's for the

Officer Corp and I made... 58.

They put me on uh...

liquid fuel maintenance

on the launch pad so... uh,

Naturally, I was really disappointed.

He told us this, uh,

4 years ago, didn't he?

Anyway, I was on duty the day we...

- No, I think it was 4 years ago.

- Launched the Dark Star.

I was out, uh, scrubbing down

the liquid fuel tanks.

That's what I said.

And this, uh, astronaut

came running out. He was, uh...

He was stark naked. He had his

star suit in his hands and...

Well, I surmised that he was insane.

And uh, he...

threw his star suit on the ground,

and uh...

jumped into one of

my vets of liquid fuel.

Which is... very dangerous.

Well... I was pretty shocked,

I can tell you!

I didn't know what to make of it.

Astronauts are all supposed to be...

mentally stable and here

this guy comes along and

jumps into my fuel tank.

Pass that, will you... no that one.

Well naturally, I was going

to try to save him, so...

what I did was put on his star suit

for protection and I was going

to leap into the vat.

You guys... See?...

Uh... so what happened was...

That before I could leap into the vat,

this other guy came running along

and he says, "Hey, Sergeant Pinback,"

you've got to board immediately because

we're going to launch in 20 minutes!

- You told us this 4 years ago!

- And I tried to tell him that I

wasn't really Sergeant Pinback,

but I couldn't figure out how

to make the helmet radio work.

Funny thing...

Ya know, I'm sure

it was 4 years ago.

Maybe.

Lieutenant Doolittle,

this is Talby.

Lieutenant?!

Uh, yes, Talby what is it?

I'm sorry to interrupt your lunch,

Sir, but I'm in the computer room

and I've located the malfunction.

The scanner shows it to be a break

in the communications laser,

down by the emergency air lock.

I can't pinpoint it exactly,

But I'm going down there

with a starsuit and see if I can find it.

Okay, sounds good, Talby. Look uh...

If something important comes up,

you let me know.

Why doesn't Talby ever eat

down here with the rest of us?

He just likes it up in the dome,

that's all.

Talby...

What's Talby's first name?

What's my first name?

This statement is for posterity.

I just want to say that I am

not Sergeant Pinback.

My real name is Bill Froog and

I'm a Fuel Maintenance Technician.

I've been on this mission now

for 1 year and 3 months.

Pinback's uniforms do not fit me.

The underwear is too loose.

I do not belong on this mission

and I want to return to Earth.

Commander Powell died today.

We were, we were going

into hyper-drive.

And... well he sits

right next to me and...

well... something went wrong

with the...

When we came out of hyper-drive his

seat mechanism had blown up

and he was dead.

Doolittle says he's assuming command

of this ship and I say that's...

I say that he's exceeding his authority.

Because I'm the only one with

any objectivity on this ship and I

should be the one to assume command!

I'm filing a report on this to

Headquarters, this is a lot of

I went up to Doolittle

in the hall today.

And I said...

Doolittle.

He said...

And I said, Well...

And he didn't get it!

This mission has fallen apart

since Commander Powell died!

Doolittle treats me like an idiot!

Talby thinks he's so smart.

And Boiler punches me in the arm

when no one is looking!

I'm tired of being treated

like an old washrag!

I do not like the men

on this space ship.

They are uncouth and fail to

appreciate my better qualities.

I have something of value to

contribute to this mission

if they would only recognize it.

Today over lunch I tried to

improve moral and build a sense of

comradery among the men by holding

a humorous round robin discussion

of the early days of the mission.

My overtures were brutally rejected.

These men do not want a happy ship.

They are deeply sick and try to

compensate by making me feel miserable.

Last week was my birthday.

Nobody even said

Happy Birthday to me.

Someday this tape will be played

and then they'll feel sorry.

Attention. Attention.

I have finally identified

the malfunction.

Communications Laser #17

has been damaged.

This evidently happened

during the asteroid storm.

If you will recall,

this laser monitors the jettison

primer on the bomb drop mechanism.

Communications Laser #17

is located in the Emergency Airlock.

It is crucial to attend to this

malfunction before engaging

primary bomb run sequence.

Thank you for observing

all safety precautions.

There she is.

Definite 99% plus probability

that the planet will deviate

from her normal orbit in another

12,000 rotations.

- It'll spiral in toward its sun and,...

- Eventual supernova.

Sounds good. Let's vaporize it.

Bomb bay systems operational.

Lock fail safe.

Fail safe in lock.

We have...

8 minutes until drop.

24 minutes to detonation.

This is Sergeant Pinback

calling Bomb #20.

You read me, bomb?

Bomb #20 to Sergeant Pinback.

Roger, I read you, continue.

You are now in the

Emergency Air Lock.

Please remember that in

an emergency situation,

the Surface Door can

be opened instantly

without prior depressurization,

so be sure to wear your

starsuit at all times.

Thank you for observing

all safety precautions.

Ah, Lieutenant Doolittle?

Sir?

Sh, Talby, don't bother me.

But I think this is important, Sir.

I think I found the malfunction.

I'm in the Emergency Air Lock...

Not now!

Well, I'm in the Emergency Air Lock

and the hatch is...

4 minutes until drop, Bomb...

have you checked your platinum

euridium energy shielding?

Energy shielding positive function.

- Remember detonation time?

- Detonation in 20 minutes.

Alright, that checks out here.

Okay, bomb, arm yourself.

Armed.

Hello?

Lieutenant Doolittle? Hello!

Hello? Can you read me?!

Communications Laser #17,

monitoring the bomb drop mechanism,

has now been activated and will

switch into a test mode.

If you will look near

the Surface Door,

you will see that the Parallax

Receptor Cell has been engaged.

The laser will now energize.

Please stand clear of the

path of the beam.

Communications Laser #17

is now on test.

Under no circumstances enter

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