Date and Switch

When I was born, I had a thousand legs

Soon I'll be dancing on a different stage

I'll go to sleep inside a silk cocoon

And be reborn into the afternoon

Good singing. Really good sh*t.

We're not supposed to curse.

We're doing a play.

I'm just saying, it's good sh*t.

Deep down I know

I have to turn the page

But I wonder

Will I miss my legs?

I've never, ever been so proud.

Honey, there's Matty.

Oh, look at him.

Oh, he's a natural performer.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Sh*t.

I don't wanna sing anymore.

Watch this.

- That's different.

- Oh, no, no, no.

Come on. Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Later, motherfuckers!

We'll edit that out. Still proud.

Whoo!

Can't I just go see a nice musical

without it turning into something gay?

Hey, nothing illegal

or unprotected tonight. Promise?

- Dad, that's gross.

- I'm talking about sex.

You wrap that rascal. Make sure

you put a condom on your penis.

- Dad.

- All right, bye, Dad.

- That is a damn fine shirt you got on.

- Yeah, you like it?

Might get a girl pregnant with that shirt.

Well, I usually take my shirt

off first but, you know.

If you meet some nice girls,

party them hard.

- I will. See you.

- All right, kiddo. Go get them.

We be the highest-ranking

Super-stanking

Filling up the bank

With Benjamin Franklins

Watch me do my thing, the B-boy

Batarang with the gold tooth swing

I'm strange,

But it ain't the same

Propane in the game

And I blow your brain

Watch me swing and swing

And hang, orangutan

My-my beat's like a bangarang

You got to move your feet

And prove to me

You got the beat,

Reveal your inner freak

Yeah.

A shake isn't a sauce, man.

Oh, no. See, anything can be a sauce

if you put it on something else.

- Open up your mind.

- Whatever, I'm not worried about it.

See, those are the kinds of girls

we need to be going out with.

What would you say to that girl right there

if she came up to you right now?

Hi. Hello.

You're terrific, appearance-wise...

...and I would like to take you out

for a food or beverage situation.

- Damn, that's smooth.

- Mm-hm.

- You been working on your game?

- Obviously.

It's apparent.

I've been going out with Ava eight months

and feel like more of a virgin...

...than before we started dating,

if it's possible.

Oh, it is. You're like a super virgin. You

make other virgins look like huge sluts.

And so do you.

And we need to fix that, dude.

We are due. We deserve adult, mature,

grown-up sexual relationships.

Yes.

- What toy did you get?

- I got Shelly the Crab.

Well, I got the punching crunching

robot dudes.

- Oh, no.

- Take him out.

Hit him with the left.

Knock him out. Knock him out.

Boom, boom, boom.

- Ladies.

- Dorks.

I like you a lot.

Um, especially your body

and the hotness of that body.

You're a class act.

Potential wife material, if you were, like,

45 years old, all dried-up and sh*t.

And that's the problem. This relationship's

not progressing quickly enough...

- ...physically speaking.

- Look at you and then look at me.

You know, you're beautiful,

and I'm just kind of a mess.

Are you breaking up with me

because I won't have sex with you?

You call it sex, I call it

a physical expression of our bond.

I haven't showered in six days.

Like Indians becoming blood brothers...

...or football teammates

getting matching tattoos.

Except sex isn't

as permanent as a tattoo.

It's, like, nine minutes, tops.

In and out, like a cat burglar.

It's just....

That's what I am to you,

a hole for you to go in and out of?

No, no, no. I value the person

built around that hole.

- What?

- I'm really sorry.

Ugh, okay. I get it.

- Are we okay? Yeah?

- Mm-hm.

Can I get a little hug going on here?

You can be a real a**hole,

you know that?

I could get any f***ing guy I want.

I am so much hotter than you.

Do you even f***ing realize

how hot I am?

Whoa, whoa, not the gummy bears.

Why don't you go outside

and chill out for a sec?

F*** you. Why don't you guys

f***ing blow each other?

It's the most action

you're ever gonna get anyway.

How was your breakup?

I can't believe we wasted

so much time with them.

The high school chapter of our

sexual lives is rapidly coming to a close.

We need to begin phase two.

We need to get our d*cks wet by prom.

Hm. I don't approve of that language.

I'm going crazy, dude.

Eighteen years of nothing.

I don't wanna wake up 20 years

from now with regrets.

"Hey, buddy, sorry I didn't

put you in more things."

- Oops.

- Whoa, heh!

Man. That is a metric ton of weed. Sh*t.

If we eat that whole brownie we're

gonna immediately grow dreadlocks.

We should go to cooking school

and learn how to make weed cuisine.

I'm talking, like, leg of lamb with, like,

a weed reduction sauce or some sh*t.

Dude. Oh, what? I have a genius idea.

We should save this brownie and eat it

as a reward for getting laid at prom.

Okay. So it's like our pot

at the end of the rainbow?

Except instead of a pot full of gold,

it's a pot full of pot.

- Yeah, I think that was implied.

- I got it all planned out.

We go to prom, have sex,

eat this brownie...

...be high for a week straight,

then we go to college.

People will be like,

"Those two guys are so awesome.

- They're definitely not virgins."

- Yeah.

Then we move back here,

we get, like, dead-end jobs...

...we retire and we f***ing die.

- Time it right, we make it a double funeral.

- Oh, my God. That's a great plan.

Yeah.

- Isn't your dad gonna see this?

- He's a pussycat. He'll love it.

And he's got a new girlfriend now,

so he's a happy boy.

All right, man, um....

I'm gonna head out, but I will see you

tomorrow at band practice.

- All right, dude.

- All right.

Hey, you wanna go for a drive?

Um, I was just gonna go to sleep

after finishing this pair of tits.

No, eh, um, we should definitely

go for a drive.

- Yo, is something wrong, dude?

- No.

Just going for a drive.

All right, listen, man.

All this talking we've been doing...

...like, about sex and the future and, like,

the rest of our lives and all that sh*t...

...has got me feeling a little guilty.

- Why?

- Look, you're my best friend.

- You know that.

- Heh.

And so, I owe this to you.

Yeah, man. What is it?

I'm a gay dude.

What?

I'm a gay dude.

Like, I'm a gay?

Like "gay" gay?

Like, "d*cks and butts" gay?

Or like, "retarded" gay...

...like,

"Man, Nicolas Cage movies are gay"?

No, like, "I'm a dude

who's attracted to other dudes" gay.

- What? No, you're just a dude.

- No, exactly. A gay dude.

I mean, f***,

you're all out of shape and sh*t.

Oh, really?

Yeah, no, dude, I f***ing know.

Look, I'm not into curtains,

I've never watched the Tonys.

I'm never gonna wear, like,

a deep V-neck T-shirt, but I am gay.

When did you first realize this?

Like, is this a recent development?

No. F*** no.

You remember when we were kids,

6 or 7 years old...

...we used to give that guy sandwiches

through the fence at school?

Yeah, yeah.

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