Date and Switch Page #2

That guy was a homeless guy.

Yeah, and I kind of had a crush on him.

- You were gay for the homeless guy?

- He was ruggedly handsome.

You wanted to f*** a hobo when

you were 7, that's what you're telling me?

That's what I'm telling you.

I wanted to feel the touch

of his dirty hobo hands.

This is crazy.

I mean, you've dated more girls

than I have.

That's more of a you problem.

You tell Em?

Did you tell her before you told me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, dude, she's super cool.

I don't wanna f*** up her life

with unnecessary falsehoods.

Wow, f***.

- You're a gay dude.

- Yeah.

- I'm a gay dude.

- Are you sure?

Know what? I'll think about it for

another 18 years and I'll get back to you.

- Yes, I'm sure.

- All right.

Well, sh*t, the whole brownie

thing's out the window.

- No.

- Probably wouldn't have broken up...

...with Ava without our whole big plan.

She's hot.

Yeah, and so out of your league.

Dude, have you seen her b*obs

and her stomach area?

Like, her stomach

is almost as hot as her b*obs.

Right? Can you even

wrap your brain around that?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean,

it's a tight stomach.

I don't know what to tell you.

Like, it's nice.

No, no, no. Dude, this is fine. It's good.

- I get it. You like d*cks now.

- Yeah.

You are a man who aspires to handle

the scrotums of other men in his free time.

Listen, I haven't got that far. I don't

really know how I feel about scrotums.

Look, all I know...

- ...is that this has to stay a secret.

- Yeah.

I'm not ready for, like,

the big gay coming-out sh*t.

- Know what I mean?

- Sure. Yeah.

And seriously, you can tell me,

like, are we cool?

Yeah, dude.

You're my best friend, man.

Everything's...

- It's cool, man.

- Yeah?

Hey, man, um, I know I dropped a big

fat f***ing gay bomb on you tonight.

I don't know if things

ended right or whatever...

...but, uh, look, dude, I don't want sh*t

to be awkward or weird, you know?

Not that it would be.

But, um, you should give me

a call when you get this.

Long awkward message.

Sorry. Bye.

How do they know that dog is gay?

- Michael, you left your back...

- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- ...pack in the....

- So hello, Dad.

How are things?

They're wonderful, son.

How are things with you?

Well. They're well, thank you.

Excellent. I'm glad to hear that.

- I'm just gonna set this down now.

- Sure. Cool. Cool.

Oh, yeah. F*** that cock. Yeah.

Is there anything

you'd like to talk to me about?

Oh, no. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Choke on that horse dick. Oh, yeah.

Michael, I want you to know

there's nothing wrong...

- ...with what you're doing.

- I'm not doing what you think.

It's a very natural urge at your age,

a curiosity.

Or, you know,

it could be more than that.

And if it is, I'm 100 percent

okay with that too.

No, you don't have to be okay with

anything because this is nothing. Really.

- Do you wanna talk about it?

- No.

Because this is just a bunch of research.

Nothing more.

Just non-sexual research.

I'm living in your a**hole.

That a**hole is where my dick lives.

Okay.

When you're ready

and you wanna talk, I'm here.

I love you and nothing can change that.

Remember that. I'm proud of you.

Oh, yeah. I'm choking on your cum.

Thanks.

Uh, could you knock before

coming in here in the future?

Of course. You stay strong.

Um, if you need space,

you can put some stuff in my locker.

Thanks. There's so much sh*t in here.

My dad gave me his old cameras

for photography class...

...what I didn't tell him

is for my project...

...I'm actually gonna take pictures

of these cameras using my phone.

- That is so sad for those cameras.

- Yeah, getting old sucks.

- Hey, can I talk to you about something?

- Sure.

So Matty told me about the thing.

What thing?

The thing, about the gayness

in his "payness."

I don't know why I said "payness."

That was weird.

Yeah. Well, good. I'm glad he told you.

He needs people around him that he can

open up to right now, people he can trust.

- I can be that person.

- That's good.

Should I get him a gift or something?

- Balloons or a cake?

- Balloons, probably not.

A cake. You should get him a cake

and you should have it say:

"You're gay, you're fabulous."

- Really?

- No, heh.

- Don't make him feel weird.

- You're right. Nothing has to change.

- Are you okay?

- Definitely. Definitely.

I'm not feeling weird about losing

my best friend to the gay side. All good.

Keep on trucking. We're knuckleheads.

Take it to the bank, sister.

Think about that.

Matty, you're in a band, really?

Oh, yeah, it's a instrumental

TV theme song cover band.

But we don't wanna put a label on it.

Smart. Don't let the man

tell you who you are.

Ever think about adding the

popular part of music, singing?

- Well, yeah.

- Little tip. It might help you in the audition.

Good to know.

- Michael, you need a pen?

- No.

- I'm with him.

- Oh, are you really?

Because you weren't yesterday

at practice when we needed you.

I called you and everyone was like,

"Where is Michael?"

- Can I just talk to you for a second?

- Sure.

I'll turn the volume up

so we can talk without anyone hearing.

So you punched the brownie?

That's not like you.

You love baked goods.

I'm not gonna lie to you, man.

You being gay all of a sudden,

like, without warning, I was a little mad.

And confused.

But I thought about the whole thing.

I've really thought about it

and, you know, it's cool.

Seriously, I even stayed up and fixed

the brownie. I did major structural repairs.

That's awesome, man. Thanks.

It looks even better. I frosted

some d*cks and butts on it in your honor.

- D*cks and butts? You're a great friend.

- I'm onboard.

I wanna go on this gay journey with you.

You're my best friend.

Nothing has to change.

We're still... We're on a mission.

We need to

get each other laid by prom.

We need to get these d*cks wet, bro,

or whatever you call it with gay guys.

Get sh*t on your dick?

Get shitty-dicked?

There's probably a better term for it.

So we're doing this, man.

I wanna get you laid.

- You're in, right?

- I'm in.

There's a lot of fish in the sea.

Lady fish and dude fish.

Straight fish and gay fish.

- High school dudes are weird.

- Yeah, not great.

Holy sh*t. This is it. The mother lode.

Oh, dude. Theater kids?

No, I don't think I should

talk to them right now.

Put your ass out there

if you wanna get something put in it.

I just came out. I have to go talk

to other gay people immediately?

Dude, that's what friends do.

Friends wingman each other.

And I hate that word but it's what I'm

gonna do to you whether you like it or not.

Not that I don't appreciate it.

It's just I think that...

This is an American tradition.

Having sex by prom is a story told over

and over again by our greatest writers.

Huck Finn, Moby Dick, Ulysses, The Iliad,

they're all about having sex by prom.

- No, I don't think they are.

- But it feels like they are.

What about you, man?

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