Date Night

(BLlTZKRlEG BOPPLAYlNG)

Hey ho! Let's go

Hey ho! Let's go

Dad?

Mom? Can l have breakfast?

-Honey, don't move.

-CHARLOTTE:
Mommy! Daddy!

-Piledriver!

-(GROANS )

-l love you!

-How do you have so many knees?

-lncoming!

-(GROANS ) Okay! Yes!

Charlotte, sweetie,

l'll make you breakfast in just a sec.

Ah! l'm up. l'm up.

l'm up. Oh, boy!

(CHARLOTTE WHOOPlNG)

-(SlGHS ) Here we go.

-lt begins.

They're forming in a straight line

They're going through a tight wind

The kids are losing their minds

Blitzkrieg Bop

They're piling in the backseat

-Mom, can l have pizza for breakfast?

-Yeah!

-Really?

-No.

(SNARLlNG)

-Charlotte, get off the chair.

-(DEFlANTLY) No way!

-Charlotte, l'm going to count to three.

-No, Mom !

-Here we go.

-One.. .

-Mom.. .

-...two...

-Mom !

-.. .three.

(GRUNTS )

-Did you one-two-three her?

-lt works every time.

l'll start on the lunches if you want.

-Yeah, okay. Okay.

-(SlGHlNG) Okay.

(GROANlNG)

(SlGHS )

What they want, l don't know

They're all revved up and ready to go

They're forming in a straight line

They're going through a tight wind

Ah, thanks for getting it started for me.

-Sure you don't want me to finish up?

-No, l got it.

You know, Ollie won't eat it

if the jelly bleeds over,

so it's just easier if l do it.

Wait. Come here. Crooked.

-Okay.

-Okay.

Oh, that plaster is really cracking.

We gotta get that leak fixed.

-Have you.. .

-Yeah, he's coming on Tuesday.

-What about the spider nests?

-Called the guy.

-All right, bye.

-Bye.

PHlL:
.. .one and change.

We subtract from that line 42.

Well, it looks like we will be able

to get you a refund of about $600.

-Shut up.

-Shut up!

-Shut up! Shut up!

-Yeah, right?

-l'm not gonna shut up.

-MAN:
See that?

You're making my lady excited, you!

-(SQUEALlNG)

-l like you!

l'm glad you're happy.

-l know.

-We're going kiteboarding in Spain.

-Guys? Guys?

-MAN:
How sexy is that?

Guys, you know what would be

even sexier than that?

ls starting a Roth lRA.

Oh, my God. When we're there,

we could, like, do it on the beach,

like, 20 times.

Yeah, l'm gonna go with that.

You know what l mean, Phil?

-You would, too, wouldn't you?

-Well, food for thought.

MAN:
Twenty times with her? Yeah?

WOMAN:
Jinx.

CLAlRE:
As you can see,

the floors are all pickled oak.

This house was originally listed

at $1 .8 million,

but now it's $320,000.

You know,

l think it might come down more.

-So do l.

-Good call.

Better to wait it out.

And you call this Byzantine?

Byzantine, Mediterranean.

Whatever you need it to be.

Hello, my peeps.

The Fosters, l love them.

-Dad, come play Legos with me.

-Yes, yes, l will.

But l am going to lapse

into a mini coma for just a second,

and then we're gonna

have the best Lego battle ever.

Fosters! What up?

Hey, Katy. Everything okay next door?

Yeah. Wait, you guys

still need me to baby-sit, right?

lsn't it date night?

Yes, date night. Of course.

(UNENTHUSlASTlCALLY)

Hey! Yay! That's right. Date night.

Thank you for coming, Katy,

so we can go on date night.

Are you two okay?

Sure. No. Listen, honey, if you're too tired.. .

No, l'm good. l'm good.

l've been looking forward to this all week.

Unless you're too tired.

No! lt'll be fun, right? We should go.

We should go. Should we go?

Right? We should go. We should go.

(SOFT PlANO MUSlC PLAYlNG)

(PATRONS CHATTERlNG)

How're the potato skins

and salmon treating you, Fosters?

-Just great, Mike. Thanks so much.

-Very good. Thanks.

Hey, on Sunday,

Ollie's friend Haden has a birthday party.

Bowling, bouncy house, face painting?

Clown bus.

What does that even mean?

l don't know,

but they said you have to wear stuff

that you won't mind getting wet.

(GROANS )

Am l getting the present?

Yeah. But nothing from China,

nothing with batteries.. .

You know what? l'll just get it.

lt'll be easier.

Okay.

This is more moist this week.

Mine's actually more dry.

(WHlSPERlNG) Hey.

What's the story?

Oh. Okay.

Third date.

First one was okay. Second one was bad.

She's giving him one more chance

to prove that he's not boring.

PHlL:
And he is not succeeding.

''Hi, l'm eating roast beef. lt's delicious.

''l have a potato on my fork.

''l like to eat potatoes, they're delicious,

''but l don't actually

ever put them in my mouth."

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

''That's amazing, Jeremy,

but l'm gonna go home now

''and fart into a shoe box."

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

That's not.. . That doesn't make sense.

Boy. Look at these two lovebirds.

(PHlL GROANS )

Now.. . First date.

Nope. He has a ring on. They both do.

Mmm-mmm. No. Married?

They're not married.

They're sitting on the same side

of the booth. That is not a married move.

That is a.. . That's an ''l'm stupid'' move.

-Showing off is what it is.

-How do you even talk to someone

sitting on the same side of the booth?

You're, like, craning your neck,

''Hey. How are you?''

''l'm fine."

Those are definitely wedding rings, though.

(GROANS lN DlSGUST)

Come on. This is a family place.

Any coffee or dessert for you guys tonight?

-Hey. What?

-Coffee or dessert?

-What do you say, hon?

-l'm actually so tired

that if l rested my head

on this table right now.. .

Yeah. Sleep for a year. No.

-l think just the check, Mike. Thanks.

-Thank you.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

FEMALE REPORTER ON TV:

...where earlier today,

District Attorney Frank Crenshaw

gave a press conference.

-Hey.

-Hey. Just gonna catch the sports.

l made this city a promise

to sweep its streets clean.

And let me tell you something, folks.

This broom and l,

we don't break our promises.

Really? The broom promises?

-l'm gonna head up.

-Okay. l'll be up in a sec.

We don't break our promises!

-Oh!

-''Oh,'' what?

No, no, no, no.

You just put in your mouth guard.

That usually means we're not gonna.. .

You know.

Oh! Oh, no, we could.. .

We could still fool around.

Really? Only if you're into it. l mean.. .

No, l.. . No, l would love to. Let me just

get the lights.

(EX CLAlMS lN DlSGUST)

Okay, you know what? No. lt's.. .

Honey, l'm totally fine if we don't.

No, l just.. . l would.. .

No, l would love to.

Let me just get my head around it, 'cause.. .

Okay. We don't.. .

Honey, it's fine. Seriously.

No, it's totally cool if we don't.

Are you sure?

Because those potato skins

made me kind of gassy.

-Let's use a rain check.

-Okay.

-Are you sure?

-l will light up your life next time.

-Or we could just keep it uh-town?

-What?

-Keep it uptown? Do the fast version?

-No, it's okay.

(GROANlNG)

(BOTH SlGHlNG)

-'Cause l could rally.. .

-Nah, l'm good.

Okay.

''Nasrin's feet and tender breasts ached

''as she tramped through

the unforgiving terrain.

''Blood trickled down her leg to the ground,

''leaving one bright red spot of life

amidst unending emptiness."

-Thanks for reading aloud, Phil.

-lt's okay.

This part really spoke to me.

l mean, to walk 20 miles for water,

and then to suddenly discover

that you're menstruating?

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