Date Night Page #2

-Oh, my God. l could not stop crying.

-Me, too.

l literally could not stop crying.

Me, too, but figuratively.

No. No, literally.

l literally could not stop crying.

Quite sad.

-Quite sad?

-Mmm.

What he means is it's really very moving.

Yeah.

You have no idea what it is like

to be a teenage girl having your first period

under Taliban rule.

That is true.

And neither do you.

Mmm, but.. .

-Hey, Phil, can l get a hand in the garage?

-Yes, please. Yes. Thank you.

Okay. Excuse me, ladies.

(MUTTERlNG) Oh, my God.

-Do you have your period now?

-Yeah.

PHlL:
You should really read this.

lt's about a girl

getting her period in the desert.

Can't wait. l don't know how you agree

to still do those book clubs, buddy.

Well, that's marriage, right?

Sometimes you do stuff

you don't wanna do.

-Not me. Not anymore.

-What.. . What do you mean?

Haley and l are splitting.

What?

-But you guys are happy.

-No, Phil, we're not.

No, no, no. No, you guys are really happy.

No, Phil, we're really not.

Brad, okay, well,

why are we here, then, in your house,

-having book club?

-l haven't told the kids.

Can't tell the kids.

Just, please, keep it under your hat

until next week

when we go public with it. Don't tell Claire.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what happened? l mean.. .

l thought everything was fine. Really.

The next thing l know,

Haley starts getting more and more distant,

and eventually she tells me,

and l'm quoting here,

''l'm.. . l'm strangling

in the noose of sameness."

So, at first, l was pissed. l really was.

But then l realized,

l know what she's talking about, okay.

We're just cemented

in these roles together,

and there's no breaking out of it.

lt's like that Asian dude

-in Sixteen Candles, Long Dik Dog.

-Long Duk Dong.

-Long Duk Dong. That dude.

-Gedde Watanabe.

That's.. . Him. He can't play.. .

No matter how hard he tries,

he can't play a doctor.

Oh, yeah. No. lt'd be like,

''Why is Long Duk Dong

dressed up like a doctor?''

Right? And that's us!

We're stuck.

We're just stuck in these roles,

this routine, and it's.. .

l mean, we're not even a couple anymore.

We're just, like.. .

We're just excellent roommates.

The most excellent roommates.

-l.. . l don't think you're Long Duk Dong.

-What do you think?

l know that Haley

must be hurting right now.

And l'm betting you

she's gonna change her mind.

Best f***ing decision l ever made.

Seriously, l have never been happier.

l can do whatever l want. l can go dancing.

When was the last time

you and Phil actually danced together?

l don't know. Our wedding?

Okay, well, l wanna dance every night.

And l wanna take my top off,

and l wanna get it on

with three guys at the same time

'cause l can.

Three guys at once? That's a nightmare.

That is, literally,

a recurring stress dream that l have.

l can only think of jobs for two.

-Oh, no. l got it.

-Yeah, there's that one.

l just don't understand how this happened.

He just sort of went on auto-pilot.

l don't understand what you want.

l feel like we know each other too well.

l know everything about him.

l know that croutons make him gag.

And he knows that

if l have five glasses of wine,

l'm gonna try to make out with a black guy.

-You're still doing that, huh?

-Yes.

lt's the same conversations,

the same schedule.

Having sex in the same position

twice a week.

You guys were having sex twice a week?

Yeah, it was that rare.

Yes. Rare is why l was surprised.

You are a lot like Nasrin, Claire.

-(SCOFFS ) l'm not like Nasrin.

-Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Why are we talking about me?

You're the one going crazy.

Because you are like Nasrin.

Because you are ashamed

-of how vibrant you are.

-Oh, come on.. .

You deserve to feel sexy, Claire.

And you should be able to dance again.

And you need to walk among the birds.

Yeah, l gotta tell you,

l don't really understand that metaphor.

-lt's not.. .

-And l feel plenty vibrant.

Okay, maybe not

three-guys-at-once vibrant,

but that is gross. That's.. .

Phil makes me feel vibrant

in different ways.

We have a date tomorrow night.

Great. Okay. Well,

enjoy the potato skins and the salmon.

Walk among the birds.

Get that bird away from me.

(HEARTBREAK WARFAREPLAYlNG)

Lightning strike

lnside my chest to keep me up at night

Dream of ways

To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air

Bombs are falling everywhere

lt's heartbreak warfare

Once you want it to begin

No one really ever wins

ln heartbreak warfare

ln heartbreak warfare

lf you want more love

Why don't you say so?

lf you want more love

-Hey, honey.

-Hey.

-PHlL:
Hey, Katy.

-Hi.

-Guys.

-Hi.

-What'd you learn in school today?

-BOTH:
Nothing.

Fantastic! Won't have to pay for college.

-Whose move?

-CLAlRE:
Honey, do you wanna change?

No, l think l'm good. l.. . Wow! l.. .

-Wow. What.. . You look nice.

-l just threw this on.

-lt's stupid. l'm gonna.. .

-No, it isn't. No. You look great.

Fantastic. l.. . l'm going to change.

l'm going to change,

and l'm going to take a shower.

-We don't wanna miss the movie.

-How about no movie?

How about

l am taking you to dinner in the city?

-We don't have to do that.

-Yes, we do. Come on.

l'll be down in 10 minutes.

l'm going to take you to that

new seafood place that you read about.

Claw? lt's impossible to get in.

And the city's so far.

No, it's not that far.

Don't you tell all your prospective clients

-the city's only 20 minutes away?

-Yeah, l'm lying to them. lt's an hour.

No, no, no. lf we leave in 10 minutes,

we'll be there before 7:00,

get a table no problem.

Yes? Yes.

-Say yes. Yes? Yes!

-Yes!

Yes! Great. We're gonna do it.

We're doing it!

AUTOMATED VOlCE:
ln 1 mile,

make a right onto Route 1 7.

(lN BRlTlSH ACCENT) No way, lady.

Honey, please just do

what the nice British woman says.

No, no, no.

l have got an important dinner to get to.

l'm taking the parkway to 23. Much quicker.

lt's because it's a woman's voice.

lf that thing had John Madden's voice,

you would listen to it.

Mmm-mmm. No. No. Trust me.

(lN DEEP VOlCE)

Take a left at the next thing.

Come on.

l'm all over this.

Captain Phil Foster's shortcut.

l am going to get us there quickly,

efficiently and with great panache.

(CARS HONKlNG)

-This road does need resurfacing.

-Mmm-hmm.

(PHlL SlGHlNG)

Well, it wasn't much of a shortcut.

lt's gonna be great.

Hi. Excuse me, hi.

l'm so sorry to bother you.

This is so embarrassing,

but we just moved here from Wichita.

l'm going to veterinary school

up at Columbia.

And we parked our car on Harrison Street

to take a look around,

and when we came back,

it had been towed.

-Gone.

-Everything we own is in there.

-MAN:
Everything.

-Wallets, ATM cards, all of it.

And the tow company

won't release our property

unless we pay them a $15 processing fee.

And there it is.

Yeah, we maybe from New Jersey,

but we're not rubes.

-Excuse me?

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